My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
My grandpa walked in with a blue arrow on his forehead and smiled...
me: "what are you supposed to be?"
grandpa: "Im a boomerang"
My daughter came up to me and gave me a high five, then smiled and walked away
Without giving me a bye five. :(
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advised…
"Well son, just take away their little brooms."
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I was sitting at a stoplight when a gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled down her window. I rolled my window down and smiled at her. She looked at me and said,
“What? Did you fart too?”
My 3 year old smiled... started to laugh, and then said "Not funny"
Going over the alphabet with my 3 year old and he asks "What's after Z?"
"What's after Z? Well, it's Now."
"Now?"
"Now I know my ABCs..."
"Not funny."
My wife groaned, and my 6 year old shook his head.
I found out that I was pregnant because when I went to the OB, the doctor told me to put me feet in the stirrups. My husband blurted “That is the strangest horse I’ve ever seen!” The doctor smiled and congratulated my husband for making his first dad joke. His response “I feel a little Dad inside.”
Dan glanced at the small watch he kept clipped to his belt, and smiled.
"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.
The pun gods smiled upon me today.
My friend got a static shock, and in the span of 5 minutes I rattled off these:
-
Geez, that's shocking news.
-
How are you current-ly feeling?
-
Don't give me that look. I'm just trying to energize you.
-
Looks like I gotta amp up my jokes.
-
I'm gonna hit you with a battery of jokes until you laugh.
-
Don't let your sense of humor be so static.
-
This isn't a crime, you can't charge me with anything.
-
Wire you so upset?
-
Do you want me to plug the stream of jokes?
Nobody smiled out of five people.
I had bought some food and put it away in the cupboards. My girlfriend's friends had come over and wanted to eat stuff.
I didn't want my girlfriend to mention we had a new jar of choc-hazelnut spread to be eaten.
I said "No! You must nutella them!"
Nobody smiled.
At least she smiled when she responded
Got my 9yr old daughter good while driving home from dinner.
Her really excited to tell me something: "Hey dad. I know a pun!"
Me: "Oh yeah? What's his name?"
Her exasperated response: (sigh) "I hate you."
Edited for clarity.
What do you call two birds-of-prey smiling?
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...
"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"
I, fake a smile so he won't swim
Wanna know what makes me smile?
My son went to propose his crush today with a huge smile but came back with a disappointed frown.
Me: "What's wrong, didn't it go well?"
Son:"No it didn't, she flat out rejected me. I did so much to plan this so all of it goes well, I called her to the fancy restaurant near that giant wall that holds the water and brought the best bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates too but she still said that she likes me only as a friend."
Me: "Dam son"
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”
Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling
Just kidding, made you smile :)
I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes.
Then she smiled and hugged me tightly.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling?
What is the longest word?
Smiles. Because there's a mile between the two s.
“Oh my God!”, my wife said, smiling, “our boy is...kicking.”
I said, “I know. I think that’s how soccer works.”
Somewhere in the skies, Otto is smiling…
My mother’s leg was amputated 2 years ago. I wrote this punderful post to make her smile. It was more than successful and also impressed her doctor.
Teacher: why are you smiling? My brain:
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
Why did the lion get his hair cut on his way to the Chinese restaurant?
Because he wanted a Lo Mein
Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
Why was the man smiling after the farmer gave him a chicken?
because he was pheasantly supplied
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile
Turns out they prefer money.
Smile they said, life could be worse.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
By telling it a cheesy joke.
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles. The first and last letters are a mile apart.
So this made me smile today
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I walked in the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered
"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.
"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.
Why didn't the fetus eat the burger?
Just happened a few minutes ago. Whilst wrapping an easel for our daughter my better half said "how am I going to wrap this?" I replied "Easely". Not even a smile :( wasted talent here.
This one does put a smile on my face
I ordered from a community who’s motto is “everything for a smile”
Yet, the delivery guy didn’t seem happy when I payed with a smile and shut the door on him... I wonder what’s wrong...
If you hear something, say something
I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.
This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.
Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.
So I said to the French girl, «quelque chose». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"
I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.
A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. «quelque chose» is the French phrase for "something".
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
You know what makes me smile?
You know what actually makes me smile?
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