grins in purr
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My son looked at me with a silly grin and asked, "What do you and an antique door have in common?" I shrugged and replied, "I haven't a clue, what?" He explained...

"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Just got a delayed grin from my son on the way back to our hunting spot.

Son: Wow that stream is really rush'en.

Me: oh good that is so much better than German.

I just had to pick a country real quick not trying to make any statement....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheepery
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Every year my town has a 4th of July track meet during the day, and any age can compete. My geologist dad, heavy set and not ready to compete, entered the mile and obviously did poorly, but he crossed the finish line, gave me a shit-eating grin and said:

"......gneiss guys finish last."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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Some of my dad's think-and-grins

Driving the family car with a whining engine when the brakes squeek obnoxiously

"Looks like this van has more than one squeal"

"Yeah, including the nut behind the wheel!"

Need to ask sister a question

"Have you seen my sister?"

"No, but I read the book."

Looking at laptops when we see the chromebook we have at home

"Hey look, it's that thing that struggles with the concept of Ctrl-P"

"Well, that is why they made diapers"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unuoctium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2017
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True story, just happened. My 10 year daughter, with an evil grin, just informed me "I can spell a bad word using the letters from "this."

And I was like "No shit?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlightlyStable
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TylerDurdenSEA
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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I was naturally excited to have stumbled upon this sub, the goldmine of dadjokes. Couldn’t wait to use one of it...so one day while I was browsing, my son asked what was I reading? I took a deep breath of absolute euphoria and satisfaction, grinned widely and said, β€œThey r/dadjokes.”

The son said, β€œWhat’s slash dad jokes?” Kids, right!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I was lecturing on the criminal law concept of hot pursuit, and I asked there were any questions.

A student asked "what if you're ugly?'

As an old dad, I was befuddled for a moment before asking "did you just tell a dad joke?" She grinned, and I commissioned her as a dad on the spot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M4sterofD1saster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Dad joke with props.

For Christmas my dad gave me and my siblings a stocking full of coal. Also in the stocking was stock certificates for coal companies. He wore a well deserved shit eating grin all day.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PossiblyDumb66
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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[Xpost from askreddit] 1 shovel 1 grinning dad

So someone suggested that I posted this here, not sure if it fits since it happend .but here it is

So I was 10 years old and it was winter ,my mom made me go shovel the snow, 10 minutes later I was finished and walked back inside then my mom went to look and asked me to come back out and actually shovel the snow. Confused I walk out and see that all the snow is still there, so I had to shovel again and before I went inn I asked my mom to come look , she said OK and when I went inside I found my dad with a shit eating grin and a shovel in his hand

I didn't speak with him for an hour

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kenzato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
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I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling β€œOk Boomer!”

It was a millennial falcon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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What do you call a funny snake?

Hissterical

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sxgarxngel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?

I went to ask my daughter:

Where do you park when you visit the moon?

(Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!)

But straight faced she replies:

Anywhere you can find space.

Then she grinned... (she knew what she was doing)... space dad. get it? in space....

Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Why don't developers carry guns?

They have troubleshooting.

Edit: Wow! This really took off! I'm happy to have inspired so many grins, cringes, and chuckles!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PickleFart69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said: β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 846
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or even hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScruffyAF
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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I couldn't believe I got to use this

Wife-Can you be serious for a minute?

Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley

Wife-I'm serious!

Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious

This actually happened. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damos1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, β€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, β€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. β€œWell, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

β€œNo, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

β€œWell, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. β€œHer name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

β€œBatteries?” cried the wife.

β€œYes,” he replied. β€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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A drunk man eating chips wanders into a monastery

While wandering around he bumps into a old man in robes cooking.

With a grin the drunk man asks β€œAre you the fish friar?”

β€œNo brother” he replied β€œI’m the chip monk”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exhious
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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While passing a "Lots for Sale" sign...

My dad asks "They have lots of what for sale?" with a shit-eating grin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShallNot_Pass
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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My Toddler's Favourite Food

Me: so what's your favourite food? Carrots? Chocolate? Custard?

2 year old: nose

Me: out of all the food you'd pick your nose?

Toddler: grins

Me: groans

It was so bad I knew I had to post it here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Dad joked at a barbecue

We had just finished barbecuing, and my sister accidentally dropped her hot dog on the floor. My parent's dog instantly pounced on it and scarfed it down in one bite.

My grandpa then turned to me with the biggest shit-eating grin:

"It's a dog-eat-dog world."

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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterShotBear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Very fishy

Reporter goes to a brand new fish farm. The owner is showing her around. "These are our salmon, our trout are over there..." As the owner is speaking, reporter trips & her billfold falls into the nearest tank. It floats away, carried by the artificial current.

Reporter asks if the owner has a pool skimmer or something. Owner proudly says "No need, just watch - these fish are smart!"

Reporter watches as her billfold pops above the surface on the nose of a fish. The wallet is then tossed up, and another catches it.

This goes on until the last fish tosses the lost leather case into the reporter's hands. "That's amazing," she says.

Owner grins & says "Yep! We're proud of our carp-to-carp walleting!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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I work at Google...

Ran into my dad when I was out and about with a friend. We sat down for a drink and conversation somehow turned to our respective work places. My friend says "I work at Google and there...". My dad interrupts him and legit goes "Really?! You work at Google? I Google at work!" with this stupid grin on his face.

I could hear loudly my friend's silent groan :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bustcratch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2017
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Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.

She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over"

Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over"

Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilkCanMatt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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My 3yr old daughter got my wife sooo good

while holding a block of cheddar like a camera

Hey mom! Say cheese!

She then flashed her silly grin

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YodaLeiaHoo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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The waitress asked my dad if he was paying credit.

He responded with a grin, "Did you just assume my tender?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/305-til-i-786
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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I won today.

After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit... I quit being your son."

Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning.

It was glorious.

*Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk

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πŸ‘€︎ u/never_grow_up
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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My fiance is a woman... But apparently a dad...

Fiance: You just got snew all over the place.

Me: ...

Me: ... What the hell is "snew"?

Fiance: grinning like an idiot Nothing. What snew with you??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/novemberain212
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal...

Me: A what?

Him: A repeater.

Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin

Him: Oh my god.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misscharl0tte
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
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Got dad joked by my 22 month old daughter

My daughter was having some trouble eating pasta with her fork tonight, so I said to her that it was okay to eat with her fingers. "No," she said with a cheeky grin. "Eat with mouth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlecrab
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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I'm still in awe by my fathers' genius.

I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,

"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"

To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"

He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."

And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.

She still won't talk to him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the β€œbrilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.

To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.

On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.

β€œDaaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears.

Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said β€œWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkHonnor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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One of my dad's few true "dad jokes"

My dad doesn't have a traditional "dad joke" sense of humor, but this one was great. My family was driving to church one day and my sister noticed an empty jar under one of the seats. My sister asked why it was there, but she phrased it as, "what's this?" My dad replied, with a mischievous grin, "it's sailboat fuel."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamTMartian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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Two generation dad joke

I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a shit eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone :(

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bzsteele
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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My mom falls for this every time I come home

ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

ME: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

ME: No, it was with a knife...

My mom stares at me confused and then gets angry, while my dad grins from ear to ear, with a single tear of pride.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy_Riggins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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My niece was talking mussels from her father's bowl and left none for him.

Me: Did you just take all of your dad's mussels?

Her, grinning: Yup!

Me: Isn't that a little shellfish?

(Explosion of laughs from the children and eye rolls from the adults)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, β€œAnd you will dialogue!"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut a tree...

Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted "Wait! I'm a magical tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue".

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManOfTheInBetween
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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