Who's on the phone dad?
His jokes are a somewhat rare occasion, but the other day he just knew he had a good one.
"Hey son, what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?" "No idea dad, what do you get? "
I'd say, "Dad, I'm gonna go take a shower!" His response, "Why? Is one missing?"
My dad taught me early on that the phrase je t'adore in French translates to I love you. He also mentioned that je t'adore sounds (a little bit) like shut the door if you said it kinda quickly. So anytime someone tells my dad to "shut the door" he'd respond with, "I love you too!"
Not technically my dad, but still a dad. Every time my grandpa came to town when I was a kid after not seeing me for a little while, without fail, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Look at you, you gruesome child! You know, you grew some, child." I think the fact that he explained it every time was what really irked me.
Last time my dad knocked over his soda and it spilled all over his lap he immediately looked up at me grinning, "Well I guess drinks are on me tonight!"
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said “that’s a nice car huh?” And he replies “what car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.
Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.
"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.
Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."
So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.
Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"
Me: "Yes mom."
Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"
Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."
Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
"You"... followed by a smirk.
Not the response I was expecting but I laughed
I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!”
Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!”
Proud moment right there folks!
I went to my dentist yesterday, and after about a half an hour of cleaning and filling I finally could go home. Before I left he stopped me and said,
"Hey man, you better lay off the sweets, you'll get cavities."
I scoffed and replied, "I'll be fine doc."
Today I took a bite into my third chocolate bar and suddenly a jolt of pain shot from my tooth,
I went to the dentist again, running inside. He turned to me and smirked,
"The tooth hurts, doesn't it?"
“Oi! Where’d me Glasgow?”
"Yes, it is really nice." She said cheerfully
"Oh no, I don't agree with Dates, too many bad experiences for me" I said with a smirk ear to ear.
"Oh, really? Why is that?" She asked.
Calmly I said, "They all end badly."
Them: what’s a madder baby?
Me: Nothing sugar, what’s a matter with you? 😏
Sorry if this might be a repost, I didn’t make it up but it’s one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. It’s really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like “what the fucks a madder baby?”
E: added the emoji cuz it’s good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person
Brief background: stepdaughter is 20 years old and has always hated when I make puns/dadjokes
So my step daughter just came downstairs heading out for work and just as she's walking out the door I noticed she has only one shoe on.
Me: "Hey! You know you only have one shoe on, right?
Her: "yeah, the other one is in my car"
Me (visibly confused): "uh...ok"
Her: "you might say I'm a step ahead"
The door shuts, my jaw dropped.
I run to the door, open it,
"Was that a pun? did you just make a dad joke?!"
She replies only with a smirk.
I'm so proud.
Me: are you positive? Doctor: no you are
Me with a smirk on my face :hey hungry im son
The tabels have turned
They put them in the hold and, as it was fair weather, didn't strap them down.
However, as they sailed on, they hit a storm, the ship knocked back and forth.
The captain went down to check on the treasure to find it sliding around the deck.
As a crewman asked how bad it was, the captain replied...
"Booty! Booty! Booty! Booty! Rocking everywhere!"
[This is probably my worst joke yet]
I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
She said "say your prayer"
He said "Prayer" then just smirked at her
So proud right now.
I guess I drove him out of business...
My son and I were in Lids picking out a nice hat for a Christmas present. We wanted to see one on the top rack so the employee grabbed her little hook tool to grab it. Well, she dropped it on the floor... I told my son "I think we can get it for dirty percent off!" My son smirked and laughed just barely but started saying no dad, just no. I was pretty proud of myself!
We received a care package full of snacks, and I explained to her it was from "my friend in Canada." Without missing a beat, she asked with a smirk,"Your friend's name is 'Incanada'?!"
I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.
"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.
Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.
"Ya balance looks shit, boy."
He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.
This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.
I was skiing and got onto a chairlift with a father and his son (around 6 years old). The father was asking if his son's fingers were still cold. His son, looking visibly upset said "They were okay, but I had forgot about them and just mentioning my fingers made them start hurting again! Don't say another word about my fingers!"
You could hear the gears turning, and I watched the smirk form on the father's face as he proudly stated "Another word about my fingers". His son burst into tears.
Was at Disney World today and went to meet my favorite disney princess. After an hour wait, we get through the line to see her. I pull out my phone to take a picture with her and after a minute of trying to get my camera to work she asks "is it frozen?" I looked up from my phone to see her smirking face. I groaned despite myself.
Safe to say I fell in love today.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first walks up to the barman, smirks, and says "I'll have a shot of H2O"!
He downs the drink, burps, and says to the other scientist "Your turn".
The other scientist says "I'll have an H2O too!"
The Barman gives him a weird look, but poors the shot anyway.
The second scientist then drinks it and promptly dies.
Me: smirking "Hi leaving I'm dad"
My dad and I were arguing whether we were gonna watch American Sniper or Into the Woods. I wanted to watch the former while he wanted to watch Into the Woods.
Eventually, he started to say how Into the Woods was a better musical than what I wanted to watch. I was kinda confused and then he just said,
"How is it not a musical if it's full of violins? Ahe..he..he"
And he smirked and chuckled to himself and I am so mad right now
That's my jam!
I was a groomsmen at my brothers wedding recently and a couple of us had to go to the bathroom before the ceremony started so we asked if we had time to.
My brother turned to us with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his face and said, "Go now or forever hold your pees".
I was hanging out with my dad at a 4th of July barbeque. One of the guys there said, "women should be seen and not heard." The guy next to him smirked and said, "women should be felt and not seen." My dad said, "women should be polyester, not felt."
... and counted out 3 bills, "1, 2, 3, HA HA HA," just like the Count.
The cashier smirked a little and said, "Have a nice day!"
To which I replied, "Count on it."
Smirk -> Full smile.
Daughter: Hey Daddy, I got this new water bottle and it makes a cool noise
Me: Hey, that's pretty cool, it sounds like a dolphin
Daughter: I know, I'm doing it on porpoise
Daughter smirk giggle guffaw
He just sat in the corner with a smirk on his face.
We were out on a stroll with our dogs when we came up to a railroad crossing:
Me: kneeling down examining the ground "A train must have come through here..."
Wife:"How can you tell?"
Me:smirking "It left its tracks right here!"
Wife:continues walking, leaving me behind
Oh great. More mouths to feed.
(I got a condescending smirk out of my son for that one.)
I was walking by the front desk with a leaf blower and the security guard puts his hands up and says "leaf me alone!"
i smirk at him and quickly come back with "Ahhh, I tree what you did there"
Me: "where is the nearest Argos?" Man.: "i don't know, should be easy to find though just look for the tall ship"
Me: "what? Tall ship?" Man.: "yeah! Well it is a pirates favourite shop!!"
head hits desk
Man.: smirking to himself "why do you need one anyway?" Me: slowly raises head smiling "they're doing a really great sail!"
As we get in her car I ask her "Did I leave my hat in here?"
She replies: "Yes, I've been keeping it cap-tive." Then smirked really hard and looked away.
I was in line for a ride at an amusement park with my family and boyfriend, when my dad saw a sign just like this one http://imgur.com/3dGi1hU.
He takes one look at it, and without speaking directly to anyone in my family he says "Miracles this way? Must be one hell of a ride."
Then he just looked at me with the biggest smirk on his face, like he had just said the funniest thing anyone could ever say. I love that man.
I was sitting with Friends, having fun conversations, listening to nice music and having some drinks. One guy was offerted some good whisky, but declined, because, as he said, if he was gonna drink whisky he would get sick.
With a Grand Smirk on my face, I said "Oh, so you would say it is a... 'whisky' move"
After which four beautiful groans were loudly heard.
I was so proud of my own dad joke, I still remember this 20 years later.
My family was at a food court with lots of options so we all wanted to get different things. My dad opened his wallet and said to me, "Do you think you can eat on $5?"
To which I replied, "I'd prefer a plate, but I guess I could give it a try."
Given that I'd learned to dad joke from my dad, he smirked at me with what I knew to be pride.
I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.
Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.
So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.
C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?
Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.
C: Do it
Fuck, he's one of these guys...
Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.
At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.
C: Do I have to use my real name?
PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY
Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.
C: Oh ok.
I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.
C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?
I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.
Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter
C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.
I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.
Oh that's an easy fix
Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.
C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"
Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.
I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.
**... keep reading on reddit ➡