Wait, wrong sub.
Told him to use both and heβd probably find him a lot quicker.
We got our daughter a craft table for her 11th Birthday this past weekend. She also got the sewing machine too.
With gratitude, she smiles and says with a wink, βThat is sew coolβ.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
She was ignoring the signs
It must be because they're always getting twenty winks
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I donβt use Facebook so I said Iβd share it here. Heβs practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. Heβs got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.
For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.
DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink
He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke
"Neither have eye."
dad: Pear with fig make a great pair *wink wink*
daughter: go figure
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
A female friend of mine was talking about her new haircut and complaining that her stylist cut it too short for her liking.
Without so much as thinking out popped "Don't worry it will grow on you"....Nudge nudge wink
She decided that she's done talking to me for the day.
They were resisting a rest.
Winking in a water wonderland!
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
As I was filling out the entry form, I said to the girl: "If I win this, I can re-tire!"
She didn't even acknowledge the joke.
That's the spirit!
but they only had matches!
so he took them and said
"they'll do just fine. thank you very ...
match"
and yes, he paused, did the finger gun and winked.
surely he was a dad.
Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."
Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"
He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.
Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,
"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.
He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.
..............β¦
I was confused.
................
He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".
Yeah... Nice one dad........
Newscaster: ...and in health news, a study showed that frequent orgasms help support immunity....
Mom: Honey, that must be why youβre never sick (winks)
Dad: Yeah, thatβs because Iβm self-medicated!
Me- Archer, did you have a cookie? A- no Me- grab a cookie and name it yours. A- I take this cookie and name it Yours. (A couple seconds go by. ) A- papa? Me- yeah bud. A- I gave my cookie a name. I canβt eat it... can I have another? (Failed winking)
So I delivered 3 orders of garlic knots to a little old lady tonight. I repeated the order and the total, as I always do, and the old lady tells me she was feeling a bit naughty, with a wink.
She apologized when he told her she got him hard enough to leave a bruise and she, jokingly, asked if he would leave her over it.
He replied, "No. Because you kneed me..." and winked.
-_-
My brother's best friend isn't a dad yet, but he sure will be up there as a corny dad when he is... Years ago we went to Applebee's to celebrate my brother's 21st birthday. My brother's friend wasn't 21 yet. While they were standing at the bar, my brother orders a beer. Then his friend proceeds to do this:
Bartender- "What are you having?"
Brother's friend- "I'll have a beer....that'll be a root beer." ::winks at bartender and shoots his finger::
Bartender- ::SILENCE::
We're at a red light and the truck in front of us is pulling a trailer with two horses in it. We are just looking at the back of the horses.
My Dad: "What an horses ass that guy is"
My Dad: Looks at me
My Dad: Winks.
I'm 26.
So we were having cake because it's my dads birthday and this is a conversation he had with my brother.
20 year old brother to dad: can you cut me another peice of cake?
Dad: you can do it yourself
Brother (jokingly): then what do I have you for?
Dad: so I have an audience winking at me
After receiving the bill at a restaurant, my grandpa would put his BC Care Card face down so that all you could see was the magnetic stripe.
After trying to run it through a few times, the server would flip the card over and realize his "mistake".
The server would return to the table, embarrassed for this senile old man, and explain that he gave her his Care Card by mistake.
My grandpa would then wink and say "I just wanted to show you I Care."
Fishmonger: "they're all good, pick your poison"
Me: "Don't you mean, Pick your poisson?"
Fishmonger: <wink> "Good one"
I mean, it could be real but maybe thatβs just fishful winking.
I was at work yesterday and there was a man cleaning the windows. He commented that all the customers had disappeared so I told him that it would be busy again in about an hour. He looks at me and says 'I guess this is my window of opportunity then' and winks.
With a knowing nod, I went to his room.
"Son," I said, "I was your age once and know what it's like, just use something else, eh?"
He seemed relieved as I winked and walked out.
I remember making puppets out of socks and having hours of fun talking to them too.
"Stop winking at me with both eyes. I know I'm cute."
We have a 10 minute safety/health segment before each meeting, and one of the suggestions in the presentation was to reduce alcohol intake.
My boss, about a colleague who loves his drink but recently had liver issues -
"Yeah, Dave doesn't drink anymore...he just doesn't drink any less." WINK
I don't know what all the fuss is about Mel atonin', because I didn't get a wink of sleep.
Approach a car waiting at the pump. The man rolls the window down, and hands me two $5 bills. "I'd like ten bucks"
I promptly hand the bills back, with a wink, smile and a dad-tear, "here you are!"
Me to my dad: "I like cleaning glass. It ends up satisfyingly clean when your done"
my dad: "It's always nice to have clear objectives"
When I asked if he folded the possible reference to objective lenses into the joke on purpose, he just winked.
Me: Would you like anything else on your sandwich? Cute girl: No thank you, that's all. Cute girls dad: Oh, how about you put 2 whopping pounds of jalapeΓ±os on there. winks at me winks at daughter winks back at me leaves store without daughter
Grandson: I've never had a rib eye steak before. What's the difference?
Grandpa: This one winks at ya!
Background: I have the names and birth dates of each of my two daughters on my calves. 12 year old on the right, 8 year old in the left.
Today, my eldest was looking at my tats and said to the babysitter, "Well, I guess I'm 'all right' with dad!".
The baby sitter said something to the effect of, "That's silly."
So I looked at my daughter, winked and said to the babysitter, "Well, she is right."
7+ years ago my sister and I were spending time with the makeshift hammock we had just built. She was spending more time than I was in it which led to argument.
Me: "Get out of the hammock or I will throw this Pretzel at your face."
Sister: "Go ahead and throw it at my face! I will just charge you with a salt!"
She laughed and winked as she shouted it.
Another time when she was around 8 or 9 she shouted something from the bathroom as she bathed.
Sister: "Everyone! what does a pirate say when his bath is too cold?"
Family: "What?"
Sister: "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!"
These aren't even the best moments she has had. I just remember them most vividly.
