An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says

Wait, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 669
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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Looks like the Patriots did the ramming tonight *wink*
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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In a hairy situation with your car? Maybe a sticky situation with your truck? Service with a wink and twinkle in their eye (xpost from r/funny)
πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omgitsblol
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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Boss: How's that new glue?

Me: πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Proud dad moment

We got our daughter a craft table for her 11th Birthday this past weekend. She also got the sewing machine too.

With gratitude, she smiles and says with a wink, β€œThat is sew cool”.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saitama254
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kindlegarten
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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I kept winking at the girl in the other car...

She was ignoring the signs

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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Hello, 911.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieGombie
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?

You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)

Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.

For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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People with eye twitches always look so well rested...

It must be because they're always getting twenty winks

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My dad comes in from mowing the lawn

DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink

He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Only_Abe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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I looked up from my computer and asked my son, "Have you heard of the blind cyclops brothers?" Puzzled, he replied, "Uh, no." I responded...

"Neither have eye."

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Dad passes daughter a fruit tray

dad: Pear with fig make a great pair *wink wink*

daughter: go figure

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinkererJim
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATGaming_YT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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I'm pretty proud of this one

A female friend of mine was talking about her new haircut and complaining that her stylist cut it too short for her liking.

Without so much as thinking out popped "Don't worry it will grow on you"....Nudge nudge wink

She decided that she's done talking to me for the day.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oconnorda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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Why was the person with insomnia taken into custody?

They were resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 741
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Famoustitles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2016
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I'm closing one eye, down this water slide...

Winking in a water wonderland!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard

Last night I couldn't sleep a wink

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waq_will
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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There was a draw for $2000 worth of free tires at the fair today

As I was filling out the entry form, I said to the girl: "If I win this, I can re-tire!"

She didn't even acknowledge the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 256
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scamperly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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Do you want to hear a joke about a ghost?

That's the spirit!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSwicknessIst
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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middle-aged guy next to me in the pub yesterday asked the barman if they have a lighter ....

but they only had matches!

so he took them and said

"they'll do just fine. thank you very ...

match"

and yes, he paused, did the finger gun and winked.

surely he was a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2014
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Sleep? It's all about preparation.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

πŸ‘︎ 736
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smegmagma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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Watching the news with my parents when this happened:

Newscaster: ...and in health news, a study showed that frequent orgasms help support immunity....

Mom: Honey, that must be why you’re never sick (winks)

Dad: Yeah, that’s because I’m self-medicated!

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatDoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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Back and forth with my 9 year old.

Me- Archer, did you have a cookie? A- no Me- grab a cookie and name it yours. A- I take this cookie and name it Yours. (A couple seconds go by. ) A- papa? Me- yeah bud. A- I gave my cookie a name. I can’t eat it... can I have another? (Failed winking)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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Dadjoked by a sweet old lady!

So I delivered 3 orders of garlic knots to a little old lady tonight. I repeated the order and the total, as I always do, and the old lady tells me she was feeling a bit naughty, with a wink.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Homer_Goes_Crazy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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My mom accidentally kneed my step-dad in his thigh.

She apologized when he told her she got him hard enough to leave a bruise and she, jokingly, asked if he would leave her over it.

He replied, "No. Because you kneed me..." and winked.

-_-

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
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Corny dad in training...

My brother's best friend isn't a dad yet, but he sure will be up there as a corny dad when he is... Years ago we went to Applebee's to celebrate my brother's 21st birthday. My brother's friend wasn't 21 yet. While they were standing at the bar, my brother orders a beer. Then his friend proceeds to do this:

Bartender- "What are you having?"

Brother's friend- "I'll have a beer....that'll be a root beer." ::winks at bartender and shoots his finger::

Bartender- ::SILENCE::

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/becmurr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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My dad said this just now while driving...

We're at a red light and the truck in front of us is pulling a trailer with two horses in it. We are just looking at the back of the horses.

My Dad: "What an horses ass that guy is"

My Dad: Looks at me

My Dad: Winks.

I'm 26.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/d3vourm3nt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
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Audience

So we were having cake because it's my dads birthday and this is a conversation he had with my brother.

20 year old brother to dad: can you cut me another peice of cake?

Dad: you can do it yourself

Brother (jokingly): then what do I have you for?

Dad: so I have an audience winking at me

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomaHawk21
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
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Grandad joke: paying at a restaurant

After receiving the bill at a restaurant, my grandpa would put his BC Care Card face down so that all you could see was the magnetic stripe.

After trying to run it through a few times, the server would flip the card over and realize his "mistake".

The server would return to the table, embarrassed for this senile old man, and explain that he gave her his Care Card by mistake.

My grandpa would then wink and say "I just wanted to show you I Care."

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calikka
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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When choosing fish at the fishmonger's

Fishmonger: "they're all good, pick your poison"

Me: "Don't you mean, Pick your poisson?"

Fishmonger: <wink> "Good one"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neowie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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The fishmonger’s apprentice was flirting with me, but I have a hunch she just wants to make better commission.

I mean, it could be real but maybe that’s just fishful winking.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slavaa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2015
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The window cleaner at work got me...

I was at work yesterday and there was a man cleaning the windows. He commented that all the customers had disappeared so I told him that it would be busy again in about an hour. He looks at me and says 'I guess this is my window of opportunity then' and winks.

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flisis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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My wife said I should have a word with our son, as she can never find any of his socks to wash...

With a knowing nod, I went to his room.

"Son," I said, "I was your age once and know what it's like, just use something else, eh?"

He seemed relieved as I winked and walked out.

I remember making puppets out of socks and having hours of fun talking to them too.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
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Dad to mom

"Stop winking at me with both eyes. I know I'm cute."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mudapuka
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2017
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My boss dropped this one at our team meeting.

We have a 10 minute safety/health segment before each meeting, and one of the suggestions in the presentation was to reduce alcohol intake.

My boss, about a colleague who loves his drink but recently had liver issues -

"Yeah, Dave doesn't drink anymore...he just doesn't drink any less." WINK

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haskens
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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Couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up watching videos of Mel Gibson giving support to Jewish communities.

I don't know what all the fuss is about Mel atonin', because I didn't get a wink of sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLameSauce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
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I was cleaning my houses storm windows last weekend

Me to my dad: "I like cleaning glass. It ends up satisfyingly clean when your done"

my dad: "It's always nice to have clear objectives"

When I asked if he folded the possible reference to objective lenses into the joke on purpose, he just winked.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uesarnem
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
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Working at a Gas Station..

Approach a car waiting at the pump. The man rolls the window down, and hands me two $5 bills. "I'd like ten bucks"

I promptly hand the bills back, with a wink, smile and a dad-tear, "here you are!"

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jman4647
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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I work at Subway

Me: Would you like anything else on your sandwich? Cute girl: No thank you, that's all. Cute girls dad: Oh, how about you put 2 whopping pounds of jalapeΓ±os on there. winks at me winks at daughter winks back at me leaves store without daughter

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohlongjohnson1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
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Grandpa showing us all how it's done

Grandson: I've never had a rib eye steak before. What's the difference?

Grandpa: This one winks at ya!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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My 12 year old daughter started a dad joke chain, and I finished it.

Background: I have the names and birth dates of each of my two daughters on my calves. 12 year old on the right, 8 year old in the left.

Today, my eldest was looking at my tats and said to the babysitter, "Well, I guess I'm 'all right' with dad!".

The baby sitter said something to the effect of, "That's silly."

So I looked at my daughter, winked and said to the babysitter, "Well, she is right."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fitzlurker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
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A couple jokes my sister has said over the years that I loved.

7+ years ago my sister and I were spending time with the makeshift hammock we had just built. She was spending more time than I was in it which led to argument.

Me: "Get out of the hammock or I will throw this Pretzel at your face."

Sister: "Go ahead and throw it at my face! I will just charge you with a salt!"

She laughed and winked as she shouted it.

Another time when she was around 8 or 9 she shouted something from the bathroom as she bathed.

Sister: "Everyone! what does a pirate say when his bath is too cold?"

Family: "What?"

Sister: "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!"

These aren't even the best moments she has had. I just remember them most vividly.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Braggle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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