My girlfriend left me over my obsession with Blink-182.

She said it was all the small things.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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How do the members of Blink-182 like to eat their hummus?

With naan-naan naan-naan naan-naan naan-naan-naan-naan!

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Mommy, my Elsa doll doesn't blink

... because her eyes are Frozen... Maybe

My 5 year old just said this to me

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silke7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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I can make you blink without doing anything. Go!

hang on, wait a few minutes...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huxm_luxl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I found a hardcore Blink-182 fan and punster.
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
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Dad says, "I can speak every language except Greek!"

Child asks him a question in French. Dad replies, "Hmmm. That sounds Greek to me."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roonerspize
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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Blinking with O Bruh
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fictionandfandom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.

I said I didn't have time .

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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I couldn't stop blinking my eyes

so my optometrist put me on stareoids.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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My dad once looked at me and blinked really fast. I said β€œwhat are you doing?” He said β€œI’m iMessaging you.”
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gdanr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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My dad kept insisting Steve Jobs invented a revolutionary way to communicate with people by blinking at them.

In all fairness, he did invent the eye-phone with Jonny Eyeves.

And face-time.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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"Oh, he blinked!!!" -my dad at the wax museum
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaghettificati0n
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
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I was going to challenge my friend to a competition to see who blinked first, but then I fell down a flight of steps.

It wasn't the kind of stairdown I had in mind.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k-smackerel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2015
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I tried blinking more times per second.

But it Hertz my eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kayniaan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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What can you add to one to make it disappear?

G

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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I was winning in a staring contest once...

and it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/richy923
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Granddad dad jokes the whole family

So we were visiting my grandparents, and just sitting down engaging in general conversation. Out of the blue my granddad announces "There's going to be thousands of people in Bristol tonight." My grandmother asks "Why?" He replies "Because they live there."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_knox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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A True Story

So this needs a little backstory.

About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."

Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.

Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.

I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dramboxf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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This Happened Today at Dinner

*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag*

Dad: "hey do you have a whole butt?"

Sister: *blinks* "what?"

Dad: "do you have a whole butt? or do you have a half butt?"

Sister: "uh I am pretty sure a whole butt..."

Dad: *points to trashcan* "then why did you half ass the job?"

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiyawatkins
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days...

One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KubaKomorebi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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A family affair

My youngest was watching Netflix, deciding on a few episodes of Captain Underpants. In one particular episode, the titled character is forced to share a room with a clown. My wife, watching this show, laughs about him having Coulrophobia (Fear of clowns), and repeatedly panicking in subsequent scenes. Finally near the episode, she asks ,"What did that clown ever do to him?"

My response: "Nothing. He's It's Cousin. Pound Foolish"

Wife stares at me. Blinks twice. Goes back to watching the TV that has more comedy than her idiot husband

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coulrophiliac444
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Have you noticed milk trucks are going faster these days?

One blink and they are pasteurize

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reidy91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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What happens when an annoying Star Wars character gets sand in his eye?

Jar Jar Blinks

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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If you see an angel...

...would you say halo for me?

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzy_lizzy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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I got my daughter so good today I stunned her into silence

My daughter comes home from school and plops down in the chair in front of me hands in her hair

Daughter: My Homework is SOO gay

Me: I'm glad to hear that it's LGTBY friendly

She gives me a blank stare with a few blinks for about 10 seconds

Daughter: What!? Dad.. NO! It's not that! I mean it's... Just... no!

Me: Oh! so it's happy then! I'm glad your homework had a great day at school!

My daughter exhales sharply

Daughter: Sure dad, it's Happiest homework ever!

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obievil
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Got a new ISP, so decided to have some fun when people ask 'what's the wifi password?'

'Its for security'

'haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.

'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.

I've had six or seven victims so far, and it's still just as funny as the first time. The only blip was when the wife didn't even blink, and just entered it first time. She knows me too well.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8979323
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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Wife said she was wearing black today because she was in mourning...

Me: What are you wearing in the afternoon?
Wife: :::blinks twice and walks away:::

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
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Me to Dude: Hi, I'm Amy.

Dude to Me: Hi, I'm Hugh. Me: Did you say Hue? That name is so... colorful. ;)

He just blinked at me so I think this probably could also belong in r/thisiswhyimsingle if that's a thing.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imakebadpuns___
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
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I served French Toast for dinner.

I served the kids their dinner and my son said, "I don't have enough!"
Me: Ah, but this is French Toast.
Son: I know. But I don't have enough.
Me: French Toast is made with an egg for every couple slices.
Son: I know.
Me: And what would French Toast call an egg?
Son: I don't know.
Me: Clearly, you have un Ε“uf on your plate.
Son (not even blinking): Daddy. Get me more French Toast and Topping. You are not funny.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alficles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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Dadjoked the girlfriend at breakfast...

I was struggling to open a package of smoked salmon.

Gf - You can't get it open?

Me - not without the key...

Gf - what key?

Me - the key for these lox.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TapTapBam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2015
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There have been way too many blindness jokes on this sub lately.

Blink and you'll miss 'em.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghosttwo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2017
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Road trip

While driving the car, dad complained that his glasses were dirty. Mom did her best, but she had a heck of a time cleaning them, and it took almost 15 minutes before they were presentable. When she finally handed them back to my thoroughly amused dad, he put them on, blinked, lifted his finger to the front window and said, "Hey, look, a road."

I am still ashamed I laughed at that.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaneCraft
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
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Stocking the milk.

So I work at a grocery store. Last night I was refilling the milk case and one of the cute cashiers walks up to me and she said "Hey what are you doing?" in a sly tone. Without even a chance to blink while standing there with a gallon of milk in each hand I replied "Handling a pair of large jugs" She laughed, I laughed, the older lady standing near us looked offended... good times!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Morphik08
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2016
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Dadjoke at my beginner programming skills

My dad asked me how my very first arduino program was going.

Me: "I made an LED blink!!"

Dad: "Wow, I think I would definitely lose a staring contest with an LED."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mobiwobi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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"How do you say 'my birthday is' in Spanish?

I have a fairly strict rule about only speaking in Spanish in my class, especially when asking "ΒΏCΓ³mo se dice?" or "How do you say?" So, when a student asked me in English, "How do you say 'my birthday' in Spanish?" I responded:

"With my lungs, larynx, lips, tongue, and teeth."

The class blinked for two seconds before groaning in unison. She then asked the question, correctly, en espaΓ±ol. But, I think I now understand why cats purr.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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Got my wife

We have a new baby. It was bed time, and he woke up, and she was a little upset about it, he was tired and crabby.

I rubbed his head and kissed him thrice between the eyes, forcing a blink reflex, from which his eyes didn't open.

"I am the baby kiss-perer!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omrsafetyo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2014
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My Dad made a good one today

My dad was in my car today and saw my USB storage drive in my stereo. The drive has a little blue light that blinks rapidly whenever there's data transferring, so it's constantly blinking if I'm playing music from it. My dad asked what it was, and I explained. He said, "I guess that's why it's called a flash drive!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicklikesmilk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
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