so my optometrist put me on stareoids.
In all fairness, he did invent the eye-phone with Jonny Eyeves.
And face-time.
But it Hertz my eyes.
... because her eyes are Frozen... Maybe
My 5 year old just said this to me
hang on, wait a few minutes...
I said I didn't have time .
It wasn't the kind of stairdown I had in mind.
G
and it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.
So this needs a little backstory.
About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."
Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.
Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.
I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"
So we were visiting my grandparents, and just sitting down engaging in general conversation. Out of the blue my granddad announces "There's going to be thousands of people in Bristol tonight." My grandmother asks "Why?" He replies "Because they live there."
*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag*
Dad: "hey do you have a whole butt?"
Sister: *blinks* "what?"
Dad: "do you have a whole butt? or do you have a half butt?"
Sister: "uh I am pretty sure a whole butt..."
Dad: *points to trashcan* "then why did you half ass the job?"
One blink and theyβve gone pasteurise.
My youngest was watching Netflix, deciding on a few episodes of Captain Underpants. In one particular episode, the titled character is forced to share a room with a clown. My wife, watching this show, laughs about him having Coulrophobia (Fear of clowns), and repeatedly panicking in subsequent scenes. Finally near the episode, she asks ,"What did that clown ever do to him?"
My response: "Nothing. He's It's Cousin. Pound Foolish"
Wife stares at me. Blinks twice. Goes back to watching the TV that has more comedy than her idiot husband
One blink and they are pasteurize
Jar Jar Blinks
...would you say halo for me?
I served the kids their dinner and my son said, "I don't have enough!"
Me: Ah, but this is French Toast.
Son: I know. But I don't have enough.
Me: French Toast is made with an egg for every couple slices.
Son: I know.
Me: And what would French Toast call an egg?
Son: I don't know.
Me: Clearly, you have un Εuf on your plate.
Son (not even blinking): Daddy. Get me more French Toast and Topping. You are not funny.
My daughter comes home from school and plops down in the chair in front of me hands in her hair
Daughter: My Homework is SOO gay
Me: I'm glad to hear that it's LGTBY friendly
She gives me a blank stare with a few blinks for about 10 seconds
Daughter: What!? Dad.. NO! It's not that! I mean it's... Just... no!
Me: Oh! so it's happy then! I'm glad your homework had a great day at school!
My daughter exhales sharply
Daughter: Sure dad, it's Happiest homework ever!
Dude to Me: Hi, I'm Hugh. Me: Did you say Hue? That name is so... colorful. ;)
He just blinked at me so I think this probably could also belong in r/thisiswhyimsingle if that's a thing.
'Its for security'
'haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
I've had six or seven victims so far, and it's still just as funny as the first time. The only blip was when the wife didn't even blink, and just entered it first time. She knows me too well.
Me: What are you wearing in the afternoon?
Wife: :::blinks twice and walks away:::
I was struggling to open a package of smoked salmon.
Gf - You can't get it open?
Me - not without the key...
Gf - what key?
Me - the key for these lox.
Blink and you'll miss 'em.
"I don't know if it was the 250 pound shit I just took but the toilet almost overflowed."
me: blink
Boyfriend, "I just plunged the shit out of the toilet."
me: giggling hysterically
Him: looks at me like I've lost my mind.
Me: giggling
Him: lighbulb!
While driving the car, dad complained that his glasses were dirty. Mom did her best, but she had a heck of a time cleaning them, and it took almost 15 minutes before they were presentable. When she finally handed them back to my thoroughly amused dad, he put them on, blinked, lifted his finger to the front window and said, "Hey, look, a road."
I am still ashamed I laughed at that.
My dad was in my car today and saw my USB storage drive in my stereo. The drive has a little blue light that blinks rapidly whenever there's data transferring, so it's constantly blinking if I'm playing music from it. My dad asked what it was, and I explained. He said, "I guess that's why it's called a flash drive!"
So I work at a grocery store. Last night I was refilling the milk case and one of the cute cashiers walks up to me and she said "Hey what are you doing?" in a sly tone. Without even a chance to blink while standing there with a gallon of milk in each hand I replied "Handling a pair of large jugs" She laughed, I laughed, the older lady standing near us looked offended... good times!
My dad asked me how my very first arduino program was going.
Me: "I made an LED blink!!"
Dad: "Wow, I think I would definitely lose a staring contest with an LED."
I have a fairly strict rule about only speaking in Spanish in my class, especially when asking "ΒΏCΓ³mo se dice?" or "How do you say?" So, when a student asked me in English, "How do you say 'my birthday' in Spanish?" I responded:
"With my lungs, larynx, lips, tongue, and teeth."
The class blinked for two seconds before groaning in unison. She then asked the question, correctly, en espaΓ±ol. But, I think I now understand why cats purr.
We have a new baby. It was bed time, and he woke up, and she was a little upset about it, he was tired and crabby.
I rubbed his head and kissed him thrice between the eyes, forcing a blink reflex, from which his eyes didn't open.
"I am the baby kiss-perer!"
