As my impeccably dressed co-worker has aged, incontinence has set in.
He went from dapper Dan to diaper Dan.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
I had my cornfield all set up to sell in 2 acre units when my realtor suddenly brought me plans for acre units.
He was plotting against me!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 12 2020
I just read in the newspaper: "Painting stolen from art museum found by a set of dustbins."
Those dustbins must be very intelligent.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 17 2020
Right before i was set to speak at my high school graduation ceremony, they suprised me and gave me the βmost illiterate kid in schoolβ award...
I was so upset that I couldnβt even read my speech
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
The tide ebbed as the moon set in the west...
I made a mental note to pick up more detergent next time I'm in town.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote βAntβ in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
Iβve been donating a lot of dining room sets to people in need lately.
I guess Iβm just feeling very chairtable.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 17 2020
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 05 2020
Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two?
Because they wanted to be pair-of-medics
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 14 2020
Why did the woman set her bra in front of a mouse hole?
She was setting a booby trap.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
there's literally three sets of twins in my math class.
guess this year is gonna be their year- its twinny twinny after all.
*twinny twinny sounds like twenty twenty (2020)*
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 30 2019
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jan 10 2019
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 20 2019
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard?
π︎ 34
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
All I do in my statistics class is subtract the average number from data sets.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 03 2019
Kung Fu Panda shouldnβt have been set in China
He really belongs in Poland.
Courtesy: my 10 year old.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 07 2019
Dad always told me, "No matter what you do in life, set the bar high
... otherwise kids can reach the liquor."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 14 2019
I'd like these set in stone, please
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 16 2019
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson?
Principal: Yes, your son.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Mar 02 2019
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 19 2019
it was about a game set in space so it made it extra funney
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 03 2019
You shouldnβt take things for Granite, because nothing is set in stone
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 19 2018
In really cold weather climates, it's always a good idea to have an extra set of gloves on hand
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 28 2019
BREAKING NEWS: Apple and Kia Motors have joined forces to produce a kit set electric car in sweden...
... they are calling it the iKia
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 14 2019
I was the solo support act for minor local rock group, 'Nothing'. My set went terribly. I was out of tune, really nervous, the equipment was failing too. The crowd began to boo and leave in droves.
I said, "you ain't seen Nothing yet!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 02 2019
I wrote my strategy for dealing with a specific set of circumstances in a notebook, but my friend wrapped it in aluminium paper.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 03 2019
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 02 2018
There are two types of people in this world: those that can extrapolate the missing part of a set.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 08 2019
What do you call a rodent drama set in Florida?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 22 2018
Father and son are driving in car when they pass over a set of railroad tracks.
Look son, a train has gone by here recently.
Son,How can you possibly know that dad?
Dad... Look there...you can see it's tracks.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Jul 05 2018
I set up a meeting for men having trouble to perform in bed
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 31 2019
I robbed a jewelry store in a top hat and set fire to a house...
apparently I had committed arson lupin
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 10 2019
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 25 2019
I set a record at my company for 12 straight quarters in tire sales
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 05 2018
I have a spare set of contacts in my office desk drawer
When my boss asked for my emergency contacts, I told him to open my drawer.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 29 2018
The Mafia put a bomb in my friend Tony Tagliaβs TV set. Heβs not happy.
They rigatoni tagliatelle
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 20 2018
Have you seen the new Sylvester Stallone movie set in the middle east?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 12 2018
If they made a new season of Lost but set it on a starcruiser. Would it technically be Lost... in space?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 01 2018
Just finished a Lego set in less than 2 hours, Iβm so proud of myself......
.........the box says 6+ years
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 28 2018
Found this written in a class set text book
π︎ 63
π
︎ Nov 22 2013
A plan for my (really loose) recreation Romeo and Juliet set in colonial Australia.
-
Grace, an Aboriginal woman falls in love with a convict called Ed.
-
Grace's brother, Wilangorga ( commonly known as William) is known for his anger and hate for the English.
-
That does not stop Grace seeing Ed any time possible.
-
One night William is out hunting near the town and sees Ed and Grace together
-
Caught off guard , He tries to scare Ed away so William Shakes Spear.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 13 2016
My 5 year old son went out to the kitchen, gets the step stool, and sets it up in the middle of the living room...
I'm sitting here on the couch watching him run back and forth across the room while he makes race car noises. After a few minutes, I ask him what he's doing.
He replies, "I'm passing stool!"
...What have I created?
π︎ 118
π
︎ Feb 14 2016
The age of consent in England was set around 1890.
In my opinion it's way too high. I don't think anyone's lived that long.
Source: http://qdb.us/143464
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 12 2017
A guy sets a world record for farting in a police car the most amount of times in a row. What else did he set?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 17 2017
Do you know why I invest in incomplete kitchen utensil sets?
For the most part, they're whisk-free.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 29 2014
My friend got stabbed in the spinal cord with a set of keys!
he said his back locked up
π︎ 39
π
︎ Oct 07 2013
My Dad Asked If He Could Set His Phone's Bluetooth In My Car.
I told him "You can't while I'm driving."
He grabbed the steering wheel and said "Okay I'll drive then."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 02 2016
Did you hear about John Green's new book set in the Russian revolution?
It's called 'The Fault in our Tsars'.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 04 2015
Asked if my wife enjoyed the new American Football movie set in England
Far from the Madden Crowd
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 15 2015
I waited hours today in the hopes that this joke would get set up right, and it did!
Yesterday, we had a birthday for my daughter. Her cupcakes had her nickname (Mae, like mine) on three, a letter per cupcake. She ate the A.
Around 10ish this morning I realized only M and E were left. So I knew exactly what I wanted to do..
When my son came home from school, he asked what after school snack was.
Me "I was gonna say cupcakes, but they have my name on them"
Him "...M and E?"
Me "uh, yeah. That's ME."
The cupcakes, I even took a picture when I realized what they said. Top two had candles in them, they are not inverted boobs
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 29 2015
My 4-year-old set up my father-in-law.
4-Year-Old: "I want to be a lifeguard at Atlantic City."
Me: "That's cool."
Father-in-law : "No it's not. That sun gets very hot at the beach."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 29 2014
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw my bedsheets over it.
I think I covered my tracks.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 14 2019
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? No?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 10 2019
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