Scored Puns

Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.

Nice catch.

I don’t think she’ll be too pleased when she finds out I’m a butcher

Jerry Hat-Trick

Kid 2: I also caught the ball! I win!

Kid 1: What? Why?

Kid 2: I scored 1.2

(From a conversation between my kids, 9 and 6, a few minutes ago.)

Thursday, October 18th to be exact

"We should make Kraft dinner." "Who is Kraft and why can't he make his own dinner?"

You wouldn't expect me to score 300 and lose would you?

So in class the professor says how much he enjoyed visiting Nice, France (pronounced Niece).

I respond with, "Sure Niece is nice, but I hear their ant (aunt) problem is so bad they're about to cry uncle!"

This was followed by polite chuckling from the class, but gut busting laughter from the professor and I.

You should check it out, it’s a really good Martian Scores’easy film

Drinking silly.

ESPN.

(Credit to my husband who just laid this one on our kids and I)

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”

“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL

He took notes

"What? We should only have 37!" I replied.

"I know" he said, "I rounded them up".

All Bs

It would be called Creddit Karma

That’s love.

I said, “it’ll be 0-0.”

Love meant nothing to her.

You must have ESP-N!

( ಠ ͜ʖಠ)

In their 80s with a slight handicap

Me: 4 to 3

Friend: You're up?

Me: No, this is America

A Pirating

It's zero to zero !

I didn't realise we were meant to keep score

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”

After reading her husband's short and quick reply, the woman happily called her husband and said, "Aww, you didn't have to send me the heart symbol as a reply to my question. How sweet of you!"

Her husband then said, "What heart symbol? I meant to say that I rate you as less than three!"

0-0.

Watching march madness reminded me of this gem from the old man.

They didn’t score, but they still made love.

The credit burro.

I swear, you can never count on that guy...