... Totally in my Element.
They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
The rest, as they say, is History.
I just can't get over it
She had been at her mom's for a week and we were switching over to my place.
I told her "You'll be happy to know I didn't think of a single dad joke last week..."
"Good!"
"...I thought of a whole bunch of them!"
/groan "Dad...."
"Yeah, that wasn't a very good one, I know."
Then I thought about it for a minute, and we were walking up to the house and I said "I still kind of like it though...I mean, it's a dad joke about dad jokes. So it's a meta dad joke." Looked at her, lowered my sunglasses..."And I've never met a dad joke I didn't like"
"Daaaaddddd...."
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
His mom ask's,"Why are you home so early?"
He answered"Because I was the only one who answered a question correctly."
Well, my son the genius.What was the question?"she continued.
"Whose the little shit that laid the tac down on my chair?"
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on?
Her: Paper.
I was so proud.
Mom: Milk day?.... O honey you mean Martin Luther King Day! He was a famous civil rights leader.
Kid: O yea I know him! He said “I have a dream”
Dad: yes, “I have a dream that one day milk and chocolate milk will live in harmony.”
Actual conversation last night
His friend saw and laughed. Then he asked him; "Why do You suppose they call it harsh parental love?"
He replied; "I dunno fam beats me"
After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.
A month passes and the semester is finally over.
He approaches his father and shows him his grades.
The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:
"long time no C".
In it’s lager!
I was allowed on the grass the other day at school- it field me with joy
They made me take a makeup class.
Bison
I said ‘because they are full of knowledge!’
It was really weird but after talking hes a great guy, you guys could learn a thing or two from him
I guess you can say it was Three Days Grace.
"Alright class please stand. Now raise your left leg. Put it back on the ground. Great, everyone may now sit.
Glad we're able to start class on the right foot."
First period
Now there snow days off for winter
Its not my fault I sleep naked.
Shanghai
Some of the kids attending are:
Sally Buckteeth and her family of farmers,
Larry the Lefty and his fam of circus freaks,
And Johnny no-feet and his family of midgets.
They were all excited for their tour of the dairy farm, and the CEO himself stood up to speak: "OK, everyone, a few ground rules: due to the industrial nature of the farm, mandatory steel-toed boots and a minimum height requirement are in effect."
The assistant pipes up- "Sir, one of the kids can't attend the trip!"
CEO- "Oh no, which one?"
The assistant replied, " Little Johnny, the one that lacks toes and taller aunts."
Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)
Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."
Grunts and cringes ensued
... and noticed 3 pieces of meat hanging from the celing upon entering his house. The boy asks his father, "What's this about?" The dad replies, "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you don't have to do any chores for the next month. However, if you miss, you have to do your chores and your brother's chores, along with no video games for a month. Still wanna do it?" The boy replies, "No thanks, I'm good." The dad responds, "I figured you would say that, I did raise the steaks pretty high."
They were trying to earn a Nobel Peace Prize
I refuse to let them receive anything less than a first class education.
My dad pulled this shit on me
Dad: did you hear about the kidnapping at school today?
Me: WHAT just now???
Dad: It's okay...he just woke up!
Followed by me recovering from a little panic attack that ensued and calling him an idiot. He did good though.
"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"
I'm a pre-k teacher, and when I was hanging around during my break at the first grade recess, one of them tripped over a ball a few feet away, and saw me watching her. She said, "I'm okay." with a proud voice.
I walked over slowly, asked her if she needs to go to the hospital. She responded no. I walked her over to the teachers on duty, and told them that she needed to go to the hospital. She kept saying that she didn't.
I told them that she needs to go because she forgot her name. She thinks her name is "okay."
She stared at me and shook her head while the teachers laughed.
Mom's boyfriend: Do you know anything about Jazz? Me: What? Him: Get J'azz back in school.
...and never worry about the Fall
http://i.imgur.com/0ETJIwW.jpg
Me: (looks up) Wow! There's not a single cloud in the sky!
Daughter: (looks up) What are you talking about?
Me: There's not.
Daughter: Dad, there are like... (gets it) Daughter: (scowls)
Me: So today in Acting class I managed to bruise my knee and cut my thigh.
Dad: Acting is dangerous. Perhaps you should do something less dangerous like football.
"Vector fields, huh? It's hard, growing vectors."
Don’t worry, he woke up.
Its ok he woke up
