Grade School Puns

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

High C's

32

Let's just say I lost a few inches

Because otherwise you could pass the class with ease.

Because they are the class of 2020

But then I figured that my grades could take a dive.

That is nothing under C level.

Because, they're afraid that if they ran out, they'd be in grad school.

Good morning good morning good morning! Everytime the song would restart the complaining from me and my brothers would be drowned out by the laughter of my Dad.

When suddenly I said, "oh no, the teacher sent a note home from school!" and held up her music class homework.

but when I lose one of my three kids, everyone freaks out like I did something horrible. 😒

Dad: did you shampoo it first?

Me: what?

Dad: the air.

Me: ....

I'm currently teaching at a summer program for kids going into 1st grade through 6th grade. I've been using the opportunity to relentlessly torment the kids with dadjokes and puns, naturally.

This morning, one of my 6 year olds was having breakfast. She looked down at the oatmeal and said "Oooh, this is hot, and I'm cold."

She then instantly looked up at me and insisted "Don't call me cold, don't call me cold, don't call me cold!"

I'm so proud.

Crawdads, doodads, hodads, your mom, the babysitter, your second-grade primary school teacher ...

Hey all! Sorry if this is against the rules somehow, but I am looking for some pun assistance. I'm a teacher and am setting my room up with a jungle theme. I want to decorate the door to my classroom to say "Welcome to the Third Grade Jungle..."We've got ...." with some kind of academic spin on "fun and games." Either fun or games can stay in the pun, but I figured I couldn't just straight up quote G&R without making it school related too. I'm usually pretty good at puns (post title nonwithstanding) but am coming up empty. Thanks so much!

When my son got up this morning he said he wasn't feeling well and might not be able to go to school (he's in 1st grade). When I got to work I texted my wife and asked how he was doing.

Wife: He's fine. He just had to poop.

Me: So what you're saying is... he was full of shit?

I think I showed at least 15 people at work that text exchange before I left for the day.

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

So, it's service week at my school and I decided to serve locally at a nearby elementary school. I was assigned to a 3rd grade class. On the second day, the whole class was setting up Google Classroom, and after completing it, one of the little buggers looked at me said with a huge smile

"I'm done!"

Being a man of culture, I naturally responded with

"Hi Done! I'm [Dakkadence]."

The little girl looked at me, groaned, and facepalmed. She whined

"That's my dad's joke!"

With kids getting such an upbringing, I'm slowly regaining my faith for the next generation.

Edit: A word.

Last night I had to go to my son's 6th grade band concert. He plays the trumpet. Most of the band, like my son, only started playing their instruments this year so the quality was far less than professional.

We walked out of the school together and he had a hop to his step feeling really proud. It was a shame to tell him that I could barely see him let alone hear him by the squeaks and honks him and his classmates created.

I rubbed his hear and asked, "You play the trumpet, right son?"

He gave me a strange look. "You know I do, dad."

"So, you got to toot your own horn tonight, huh?'

His eye roll was worth it.

The nice part was being able to retell it to my older step daughter who giggled at my joke. A two for one!

My cousin decided that after high school he was going to join the Navy instead of going to college because no matter how hard he tried to get better grades, he always remained a sea student.

In honor of Fathers Day, I'll share my father's two favorite jokes.

As a kid, whenever I would do something good in school, as in pass a test or get a good grade, my father would say "Wow, you're so bright, I should call you sun"

Whenever somebody would be leaving our house, whether it be friends or other family (nobody was safe) his closing line would be "well if I don't see you in the future, I guess I'll see you in the pasture!"

When I was in grade school, we had a field day and I was told to bring some pylons to a teacher I didn't know.

I went up to a male teacher and asked him if he was Mr. Knott and he responded with, "I am Knott".

I was confused by the response for far too long.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

Context: My mom (a 5th-grade teacher) was grading papers one evening. Dad was helping. I'm a college student, had visited for a bit, and was on my way back to school.

Mom said, jokingly, "You know you want to stay and sort papers!"

"Yeah!" dad said. "It'll be like we're all part of a conSORTium!"

...

It took me a second, but I cringed.

Dad laughed to himself for the rest of the evening.

I work at an elementary school and a 5th grader has been calling me Mr. Tall since 1st grade. I'm only 6 feet 3. He got me with this one today.

He said as I randomly walked down the hall, "hey Mr. Tall, you must have to use the Toll Free Lane on the highway."

When my mom and aunt were in high school my aunt brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. She gave him a big list of things he couldn't ask him, "don't ask him about his family, his grades, his hobbies, his job..." So it was a pretty big list. Her boyfriend shows up and my grandpa looks at him and goes "So, have you ever been in prison?"

My sister's in grade 9 and she stayed home for a week of school because she was sick. After school on Monday, she told me what she had missed and how things went. Sister: I caught up in all of my classes, but it turns out I was ahead in French. Me: Oh nice, and where was your body?

So my mom is known for being a hard ass when it comes to grades, but this morning she tells us that in 5th grade she actually had straight C's on a report card. As she was describing how much she hates the school work back then, I couldn't help but stop her and say "so was it just too elementary for you?"

When I was in 1st grade I had to get glasses and left school early with my mom and dad to pick them up. The place on that particular day was open half a day and we got there just before they closed. As we entered my dad saw that the receptionist was a dwarf and turned to my mom and said "No wonder they have a half day today."

A group of fifth graders are visiting our school he asks the kids "Hey did Mr. O(5th grade music teacher) ever tell you we went to college. It was me him and Abraham Lincoln in class"

One of his favorites "What side of the dog has the most fur?" "The Outside"

Whenever a kid asks "Can I go to the bathroom?" He always answers with "Only a Dr. Can tell you that." He does is so much that when A child says may I go to the bathroom he still does it without thinking. Most students stopped asking to go to the bathroom or ask me.

Its been a great few months of these, I'll add more to the comments as I think of them.

When I was in high school, I babysat 2 boys (who at the time of this story, were aged 7 and 10) for some extra cash. One day I was eating dinner with the family when the younger brother said that he couldn't wait to be in the fourth grade like his older brother.

"It's not that great," said the older one. "Once you're in the fourth grade, you have to read a bunch of books for a summer reading log and write a report on one." (In my county, there are mandatory summer assignments, the most common ones are English assignments.)

Their dad said, "Summer projects are good! They help stimulate your brain over the summer! If you don't brush up on your education for those three months, you could lose all of your smartness and never get it back!"

Older brother: "Yeah right. And how did you find that out?"

Me: "Well, they do say that firsthand experience is the best way to learn."

First grade, I'm in the school play because, well, every one was. I can sing, always have been pretty good at it, so they gave me the job of playing Sebastian in our Little Mermaid rendition. We're singing "Under the Sea" and I look out to the audience to see my dad, in the front row, making the biggest, puffiest fish face his head will physically allow. I haven't done much acting since then.

I unknowingly dadjoked a store worker years ago when I didn't know English well. I asked her to help me find some pants and she asked if I was a junior, to which I said "no actually I'm a sophomore" (referring to my grade level in high school). She looked at me puzzled.

I said “no, grade school.”