True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
how much does a roof cost ?
nothing - itβs on the house
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Asked my contractor why he didnβt bill me for my new roof
He said βDonβt worry about it, itβs on the house!β
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︎ Apr 25 2021
Two cats are on a metal roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest ΞΌ
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︎ Apr 28 2021
In these challenging times, I worry about the virus and keeping a roof over my head.
So I went and got the shingles vaccine.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I decided to throw a block of butter off my roof today...
I guess i could say that i saw a butterfly
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Sister: we'll also need to find out about how much a new roof costs.
Me: contractors do that for free.
Sister: really?
Me: yeah, it's on the house.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Saw some cows on the roof playing poker...
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
We need to be very careful about collapsing Wall Street so we donβt get crushed by Roof Street
Posted on shower thoughts first, they told me to bring it here. I should have thought of that first. Anyways here ya go.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
What sound did the piano make when it was thrown off the barracks roof?
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︎ Jan 25 2021
The Russian president was spotted on the roof of a hotel.
At that point, he was truly Putin on the Ritz.
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︎ Jan 20 2021
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
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︎ Dec 05 2020
High but not so high IQ meme
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Tongue, Teeth, Saliva, Roof, Soft Palate, Hard Palate, Uvuula, Taste Buds, Gums...
Wow, that was really a mouthful...
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︎ Dec 07 2020
Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible
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︎ Nov 19 2020
My mate tiled my roof for me.
When I asked him how much I owed him, he said, "Don't worry. It's on the house."
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︎ Oct 26 2020
Wanna hear a roof joke?
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︎ Jul 07 2020
Had dinner with my gf on the roof...
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Roof leaking
I've been having issues with the roof leaking into the storage space below it. It's being very problem attic
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Two antenna met on a roof and eventually got married
The ceremony wasnβt much but the reception was incredible
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Why was the dumb person on the roof of a bar?
Someone told them the drinks were on the house
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︎ Oct 02 2020
What did the dog say to the ceiling?
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︎ May 09 2021
Our house got hit with a pretty big storm last night and I lost 25% of my roof.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
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︎ Mar 23 2021
A little moron and a big moron were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?
The big moron. The other one was a little more on.
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︎ Oct 12 2020
Did you hear about those policemen on whom the roof fell?
They are now undercover cops.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
Did you hear about the kindergarten where the roof collapsed?
Thankfully, it only caused minor injuries.
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︎ Jul 31 2020
How much does a chimney cost?
I donβt know, but it must be through the roof.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
What do you call a man on a roof with no way down?
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︎ Aug 27 2020
I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 30 2020
What do you you call a dog that works in roofing
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︎ Oct 08 2020
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
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︎ Feb 06 2020
What should you say if a tornado blows off 25% of your roof?
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︎ Jun 02 2020
A slate came off the roof and sliced a builders ear off.
We all looked for the ear so we could take it to hospital to get it sewn on.
Whats this here. And shows us a bloody ear.
The builder said i dont know whos that ear is its not mine.
How can you tell we asked.
Cos mine had a pencil behind it!
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︎ Oct 01 2020
There once was a man who would buy tons of buckets of roofing sealant, change the label then resell them.
Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?
"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I told the salesman I was looking for something cheap, manufactured by Ford, and preferably with a retractable roof...
He directed me to the affordable section
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 06 2020
I'd tell you a joke about a roof...
But it would be over your head.
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︎ Apr 18 2020
I'm putting an addition on my roof.
It's a little room where I can sit and watch movies like The Godfather and Apocalypse Now.
It's a Francis Ford Cupola.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 02 2020
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing, itβs on the house ;)
π︎ 303
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︎ May 03 2021
How much does a roof cost?
Nothing, it's on the house
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︎ Aug 13 2020
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing, it's on the house.
π︎ 10
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︎ May 10 2021
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
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︎ Aug 20 2020
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
π︎ 17k
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︎ Jul 11 2019
How much does a chimney cost?
It's free. Because it's on the house.
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︎ May 02 2021
A storm blew away 75% of my roof
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︎ Aug 20 2020
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