I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy shooting paper towel rolls in the wild?

He was a Bounty hunter.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"

My response: "144? That's a gross"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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I put the last roll of toilet paper on the dispenser today.

Shits just got real.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobMV03
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_19s
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?

They're always getting ripped off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSharkIsBae
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life

Life would be pretty shitty without it

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alidinani
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedEyedGrassMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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What do the starship enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMephistoX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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We're currently investigating a roll of paper towels for murder of a mysterious red liquid.

I guess we should put a BOUNTY on it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
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How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?

Multiply

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S3rgeus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
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I asked my dad if I could have a roll of toilet paper for my apartment.

He said, "[Son]... You need to get your shit together."

He gave me the roll.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
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Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HaruArashi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
The first joke my 3yo self ever made

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SweetSideOfFries
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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For Easter I plan on smoking a ham.

Anyone know where I can find rolling papers big enough to fit one?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What's 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy.

An empty toilet paper roll.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derbucher
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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Talk with my son...

Had this conversation with my son last night, he's been on a dad joke kick for the last six months, most of the time they fail miserably.

Son: Dad, do you know what a good noun is?

Me(rolling eyes, knowing where this is going): No, what?

Son: a Pronoun.

Me (with all seriousness): Bud, that was terrible.

Son: You know what else is terrible?

Me (wishing this was over): Ugg, What?

Son: Paper.

Dear Son, you ever read this I couldn't have been more proud. You had me giggling the rest of the night.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/comiccaper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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6yr old FTW

twice today he impressed me.

first were out for lunch and hes kicking me under the table. me: "stop dude, that hurts!" him: "not to me."

then were at a store where they were they currently have a reading incentive program "...read at least 8 of the following titles and receive a free book" him: "so, can i get my free book now?" me: "what? no." him: "but i read all the titles..."

i bought him a book for his efforts.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neophytegod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Cashier at the grocery store got me...

So I was checking out at the store with my girlfriend. All I bought was toilet paper and bacon. The cashier scans my two items and says with a straight face: "it's no wonder you have a girlfriend. You're rolling in the paper AND bringing home the bacon."

Definitely made me laugh, and he just went about his business like he never made the joke at all.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ccccccccccooooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my wife with a few in a row while my daughter was at her dance class..

So, my wife was telling about how disappointed she was at our kindergartener's "Spring Fling" party this year. She described this one "activity" Where the kids throw a roll of toilet paper and try to ring a toilet.

I remarked "Wow.. that -is- pretty shitty!" And she scolded me for using foul language. "Yea.. sorry for the potty mouth... I'll water it down next time.."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Wife: "No. That's where I draw the line."

Wife says she's going to go finish cutting the grass (I am still recovering from shoulder surgery) and I told her "don't forget outside the fence."

To which she responded "nope. That's where I draw the line...."

So, of course, I responded "oh yeah? Well do ya know where I draw the line??"

"Hmm..."

"On paper!"

At which point she rolled her eyes and walked out to the garage...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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My wife was upset that she couldn't find a hole punch...

I grabbed the paper from her, held it in front of my waist and said "say something sexy!" She did her best to cover her grin with an enormous eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2016
🚨︎ report
So, my girlfriend got a nosebleed...

She rolled up some toilet paper and put it in her nose. Me: Is it that time of the month already? Her:...? Me: Because of the tampon. Her: (rolls eyes) Me: Guess that's nose sex for a weak, eh? Her: Oh shut up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SLOBaron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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[Meta] Can anyone think of a good dad joke gift idea?

I wanted to make my Dad a chainsaw for Christmas, but I'm not sure if we have the saw and I don't want to ruin a perfectly good chain for it.

Can anyone think of another dad joke gift, like a quarter pounder with cheese?

EDIT: I did the quarter-pounder with cheese. I used little rubber bands, (The kind kids make bracelets from) popsicle sticks and a rolled-up piece of sturdy paper. If anybody wants to make it, let me know and I'll go into more detail.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2015
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So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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Toilet Paper

Girlfriend: "How are we almost out of paper towels?"

Me: "You use way too many of them. It'd take me a month to use a roll by myself."

Girlfriend: "That's gross. I bet you think toilet paper would last that long too."

Me: "Of course."

Girlfriend: "You're so full of shit."

Me: "You're right I'd still go through a lot of toilet paper. You know why?"

Girlfriend: "Why?"

Me: "Because I'm full of shit!"

Girlfriend: Groan and eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tee142002
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my broke-ass friend pretty good today

A friend and I were lamenting how we're both broke at the end of this month. She, a girl with many allergies, ran out of Kleenex (tissue paper) and began using her last toilet paper roll to blow her nose.

"Now, the game begins," she said.

I replied, "Is it perhaps... a race to the bottom?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bachrock37
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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Getting down the Christmas Decorations..

So my Pops asks if I could help him get the Christmas "stuff" down from the loft with him. We have a loft above the garage where we store seasonal decorations.

He'll go up in the loft and I'll stand on the middle of the ladder, where he hands me the plastic containers, which I'll place on the floor.

As soon as he gets up there I see that the most accessible and logical box to take down first is the one with the wrapping paper. I reach for it and he shoos me away coming up with an excuse to leave it up there for the time being.

Right then and there I knew exactly what he was doing and I couldn't stop it.

We get the absurd amount of containers down until there's only the one left. He hands it too me and says, "Whelp.. that about wraps it up. Haha."

It's not even that good and I knew it was coming for the whole half-hour, but never the less I rolled my eyes and gave him his moment of glory. He deserves it.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wh33zi3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad proudly dad joked me this evening

We were out of paper towels in the kitchen and we keep the extra rolls in our linen closet. He was walking by so I asked him to grab a new roll. As he walked into the kitchen he announced that the paper towels were out of the closet and he supported their right to marry.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yagrandmum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad hit me with a pretty good one last night.

My parents were coming over for dinner, and about thirty beforehand I realize I am out of toilet paper.

So I texted my dad...

ME: Hey pops, can I borrow a roll of toilet paper? I forgot to grab some after work yesterday.

DAD: You can have have a roll. I don't really want it back.

I don't know how he does it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shinynewbike
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My sister had to do a survey about the waste of paper.

-Hey dad, how much paper you use each day?

Around 3 rolls a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pils123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
🚨︎ report
My husband dropped this one on my son today

My husband walks in the living room, holding a roll of toilet paper. He is staring at it intently, turning it over and over. Finally my son bites and says, "what are you doing?" My husband responds with, "I was just thinking, toilet paper, that's gotta be a shitty job." Then he smoothly walks out of the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoonSpellsPink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mesir
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

It needed to get to the bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepattato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/willworkforjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

It wanted to get to the bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pedantichrist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/at112112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
🚨︎ report

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