I had a legless dog called Cigarette.

Every morning I took him out for a drag.

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Worrubnedia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spinach_Stock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
When God lights a cigarette....

Is it with a match made in Heaven ?

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
How are Cigarettes like Hamsters?

They're harmless until you put one in your mouth and light in on fire

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the cigarette say to the other cigarette?

Nice butt.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iStoleYourBean
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad went out for cigarettes 8 years ago & finally came back.

He said he was in the desert with his camels.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Constant-Mud-7995
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...

Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamNotFonseca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad if cigarettes get stale.

He said: "No, but if you sit on them they go flat."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacob7574
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What does Han Solo put in his cigarettes?

Chewbacco

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JawsWasHere620
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
So I decided I'm going to put cigarette pictures on my Tinder

Because I'm looking for matches

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skyhighjams
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A dog named 'cigarette' ... OP should get more, then they'll have a whole pack ... /r/3amjokes/comments/k6e2…
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inspire_me_please
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!

After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/digeratisensei
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I love Cigarette Shops

They're my favorite Gas stations

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmuroRay0704
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I once went on a date that ended with me and the girl sleeping together. After sex she lit a cigarette and told me me all about her hobby: collecting roadkill and pinning it to her wall. Well, there's no way I could see her after that...

Smoking is such a turn off.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slatersays22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cigarette say to the other cigarette?

I'm lit!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/passwordAlive223
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her I’m just looking for matches.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
If the government banned cigarettes, I would shout slogans and protest

But I'm afraid I wouldn't have the lung capacity

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DearGrocery
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the Pope say when he wants to bless a pack of cigarettes?

Holy smokes!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicguy1982
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who steals e-cigarettes?

A juul thief

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cookiecakes29
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cops mix slabs of sirloin into their suspect's marijuana cigarette?

They were staking out the joint.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boganic-alcoholic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a friend in high school who was a foreign exchange student, and he always took mine and my friend’s e-cigarettes

We called him the international juul thief

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minimikjr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Dr: do you smoke? Dad: yeah dr: cigarettes, Marijuana?

Mostly brisket and pork.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eastern-Medium
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Ted asked me why my brother still smokes cigarettes. I told him that he was addicted.

Ted responds, β€œI know he’s a dick but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re bad for him”

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Control_Zee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss walked in on me smoking a cigarette. β€œNo smoking allowed!” He told me.

Sorry, I’ll try to be quieter next time

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raumerino
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.

I think that would be pretty handy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaggyB
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Where should you throw your cigarette butts?

In the ass-tray.

(Don't litter, kids.)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Servali_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 575
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaidendeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A cigarette lighter.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crinthos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What is similar between a cigarette and a hamster?

They’re both harmless until you stick it in you mouth and set it on fire.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IvoryBeats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
So my dad left for cigarettes and never came back

I guess he had tobacco-out of the relationship

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikkl_rikk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the worst about cigarette companies?

They kill their best customers

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wedgevic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.

Now I don't need the lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AreetPal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
🚨︎ report
An unsatisfied chicken lays in bed smoking a cigarette next to an egg that rolls to its side embarrassed

Chicken: Well I guess we solved that riddle

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Today this guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter…

I said, β€œOf course, give me your pack.”

He handed over his pack of cigarettes and I took one out and gave it him back saying, β€œThere you go.”

β€œWhat’s that?” he said, all confused.

I said, β€œIt’s a cigarette lighter.”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad finally came back from getting his cigarettes after 10 years and immediately started telling me how good I had it

I was like "ok boomerang"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughperman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
On a boat with 4 cigarettes...
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivo20011
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
🚨︎ report
If a jet plane loaded with e-cigarette smokers flies overhead, you'll see the vaper trail.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm OK with cigarettes, alcohol and weed, but cocaine is where I draw the line
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What do cigarettes and squirrels have in common?

They're both perfectly safe until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/areateen
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I guess he was dying to get a cigarette
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tropico16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
4 men were sitting in a boat about to smoke a cigarette, when they realized they didn't have a cigarette lighter.

So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the ashtray say to the cigarette?

"Nice butt"

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Frogstomp420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them

So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HalalPork97
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Cigarettes are like hamsters.

They are perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jo-Sizzle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette... Every morning I take him out for a drag.

Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Worrubnedia
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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