While at work, I frequently go to the public restroom in my building to avoid doing my job...

you could say it's a stalling tactic.

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📅︎ May 03 2019
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Story: Lasting after effect of COVID-19

True story. Happen about 2 hrs ago.

Back trying. My wife and I both work in the medical field. She runs hospital employee health dept, and I’m the dental director for a public health agency.

My wife had Covid-19 in January. We were talking about the long term, later effects of Covid on people’s health.

Wife: I wonder what the residual effects of Covid-19 are. My left ear hasn’t been right since I had Covid.

Me: Well of course not.

Wife: Why? What have you heard?

Me: Well your left ear can’t feel right. It’s your left ear.

Wife: God, why did I marry you 33 years ago?

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📅︎ Mar 30 2021
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I don't think it worked out
👍︎ 5k
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📅︎ Jun 02 2020
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What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor

👍︎ 8k
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📅︎ Jan 03 2020
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Sudden Urge to get Naked

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

👍︎ 1k
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📅︎ May 03 2014
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I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference. On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.

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👤︎ u/Chewy_64
📅︎ Sep 04 2015
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Got a lady on the phone

I work at the public library, doing some phone answering, office work, n stuff.

Anyways this lady calls

"Hello, I am searching for some material, and was wondering do you have two books?"

me "I can guarantee you that we have two books here"

Uncontrollable laughter in the other end for a good while, before she manages to specify what books she's searching for

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👤︎ u/Hitno
📅︎ May 13 2015
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Public transport / transit

If you want to be a dad, replace 'public' with 'pubic' in any verbal conversation.

  • I'll just call him on a pubic telephone.
  • I'm going to ride pubic transport to work today.
  • I have a fear of pubic speaking.
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👤︎ u/xbtdev
📅︎ Mar 25 2014
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Dad-joked my U.S. History Class.

Today in History Class, we were learning about FDR's New Deal, and my teacher brought up the Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA), which was part of FDR's many public works programs, this one being responsible for damming the Tennessee River for hydroelectric power, and the controversies surrounding it.

In response, I rose my hand and said, "Wow, the TVA must have caused alot of dam controversy."

Laughs were had by all, including the teacher.

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📅︎ Mar 05 2014
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