Why can’t an egg speak publicly?

He cracks under pressure

πŸ‘︎ 299
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her Cagey B.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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New York isn't trading any iron publicly...

...but they do have Woodstock.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TakaComics
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Publicly embarrassed the wife and daughter today.

We were pulling up to a coffee shop with a fairly crowded frozen yogurt store named Sweet Frog next door. My daughter upon getting out says "The frogurt store is slammed".

I seized my opportunity replying to her with "Don't you mean the frog-urt store is hoppin?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CBusin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
🚨︎ report
I don’t really publicize the fact that I’m Thor’s brother.

I keep it low-key.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A tractor

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-MEGA-O
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to β€œput the kettle on” I respond β€œI can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked β€œdo you need a bag” I point at her and say β€œit’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the teacher never fart in public?

He was a private tutor.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinBender
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Did you hear about the teddy who got arrested for public indecency?

He was a little bear.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0LL3CT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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The public pool sector must be taking a real dive right now
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruzenu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...

Long time fan, first time poster.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Throwback to when I found this vacant billboard in public
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greengo122
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.

I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iambaney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Public Service Announcement: In order to meet the energy budget for 2020....

the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Thank you and have a nice day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend tried to delay the inevitable by locking himself in a public bathroom...

He stalled for time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't think it worked out
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainyeeet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you use toilet seat liners in public restrooms?

Or do you not give a crap

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/platformjuan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Egyptian Council Leader: the public transport in Cairo is terrible.

Egyptian Transport Secretary: We need a new bus

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I know it's a public health thing ... still getting pretty tired of this Korn teen
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gotyememesplz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
People who go out in public without a mask make me sick.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bacchus213
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is whispering in public a bad idea?

Because it's not aloud.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brother_p
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe the lights in the public bathroom went out

now i can't see Jack shit

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yesterdaddy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call bread that doesn’t want its name out in the public

Anaanymous

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dallasboi1992YT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret β€˜stache.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kfizzle217
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A new disease is sweeping the world. It's a type of nostril infection, very costly to test for

But one man, born with extra sensitive smelling, has been providing free exams to the public to eradicate this new threat. Dr. Theodore Nose of UCH Hospital has a long line of patients waiting every morning, wanting the incredible accuracy of this man.

And as his secretary says...

No one's nose knows noses like Nose's nose knows noses.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRichTookItAll
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fraction that was arrested for drinking whiskey in public?

He pled the fifth.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas.

I'm going to call it IP in Pools

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
People who dislike breadfeeding in public are not haters.

They're just tired of breasts being milked for all its worth.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/latinrprince79
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Farmers notice : Public access to this field and footpath is free.

.. But the Bull charges.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.

So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried to start a conversation in the public restroom...

but everyone was occupied

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Persons1001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey pal, why won’t you cover your face while you’re in public?

I masking for a friend.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tietjen1209
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What was the rap name of the Jewish guy with a fear of public speaking?

Skittish Yiddish!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgjbl216
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I almost got my SO to hit me in public. imgur.com/61IB7wz
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pete_the_rawdog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend asked why I never used the public restrooms

Because I'm not a party pooper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terkoon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The missus just told me airlines are selling their ready meals to the public.

Dad: They'll never take off.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigedd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
llamenting every public breath I take
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/formidable-fox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I just passed gas in public and everyone heard it.

They really caught wind of the situation

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SandStorm61
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noblegreed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
People! The public bathrooms are for peeing only!

Either you're in, or you're out!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaystibelman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the flash light get arrested?...

.

.

.

.

For public flashing.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elfere
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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