My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....

Sofa sew good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/writenroll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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A very progressive pun thread reddit.com/r/technology/c…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gdshephe88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2009
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My optometrist told me I needed progressive lenses.

I wasn't sure I was ready for that, so I asked her if I could start with amateur-gressive lenses first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soothsayer___
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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I can't believe my FitBit still shows no progress...

How much more jogging my memory must I do?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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What’s COVID-19’s favorite chord progression?

A plague-al cadence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smolprincess928
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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The teacher asked the student about the progress on the Microsoft Office course.

The student responded: 'thank you for asking, i'm doing excellent.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/burt_tts
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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It really sucks getting a PhD

Because every singe meeting becomes a doctors appointment.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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What do you call someone who hates the Progressive spokeswoman?

Viscosity, because they’re resistant to Flo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bellicose_buddha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I'm pretty far on the left politically but I'm not involved in any activism

I'm passive progressive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sycliantableigit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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If pro is the opposite of con,

is progress the opposite of congress?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadeauxmarie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Did you hear that lady in the Progressive Insurance ads has been dating a rapper?

It's Flo Rida

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wuellig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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I saw an insurance commercial with a gay couple in it.

Guess it was Progressive.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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What did the Progressive ad say about the winter weather?

That's Snow Joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2piix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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If the opposite of pros are cons, then the opposite of progress is...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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Breaking news: There's a riot in progress at the Kentucky Derby.

Authorities are saying it's race-related.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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TIL that sea-faring pirates were quite progressive in their labor practices, reserving a portion of their loot into an early sort of worker's comp, paying for peg-legs and hooks.

They weren't big fans of arrrbitration.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Progressive rock fans probably hate today.

Because it's 4/4.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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Not sure if that's a pun or a play on words

Present progressive: It is nothing Present simple: It noth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Symon_Pude
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Best name for a progressive coffee shop?

Stay Woke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/merphy90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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Murder in progress
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Martynzer0star
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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In Canada, we are so progressive and accepting that even our highway is Trans.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/satanicbuttstuff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2017
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Tennis tournament in progress

  What, it's still going on?
  Isn't Wimble-done yet??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqgibtngo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has lately fallen out of popularity with the public. He looks set to be suceeded by the progressive Benjamin Netangoogle.
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
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The Germans didn’t think the Allies would make so much progress in WWII.

They did Nazi that coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/planemanx15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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If Pro is the opposite of Con, what's the opposite of Progress?

(do I really need to spell this one out?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mystikmike
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes...

And that's a huge ass connection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lumikue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Just ate a coin

It was kind of minty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SherpaBoye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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I used to be the drummer in a progressive 80s rock band called 'prevention'

We were better than The Cure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gross04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
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"Progressives" are just apologists for Playstation 2 loading screens.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klingers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in a cherry tree!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

Works, don't it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrustyNugs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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So tearable

Trainer-Why aren't you progressing with your muscle building? Me- I don't take protein Its 'whey' out of my budget.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beltwithoutpajama
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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A group of photographers went out to dinner..

As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat.

Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconBoyReddit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
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So I was monitoring our progress on Google Maps and calling out the distance to the next turn as it changed...

Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"

Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"

Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineerBill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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Flushing in Progress (my dad got an iphone and loves taking pictures)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dannyboyfl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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One of the most popular searches on pornhub is Minecraft porn

I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMorlonelycat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2016
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Dad joke makers I seek your wisdom: String family joke work in progress

I have a good punch line but haven't been able to design a satisfying lead in for it:

Do you know why the string family decided to break up?

...

Apparently not (A parent-ly knot)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/picturepack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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Dad joked my Dad to avoid discussing essay progress

Me: I need to go and finish my essay, it's due soon

Dad: Are you far away?

Me: Far away from my essay, or from finishing it?

Dad: From the essay?

Me: No it's just upstairs. Bye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ECoco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2014
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What did the drummer name her twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two...

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piscotikus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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A yeti questions the masculinity of an explosive cow

Because a bomb in a bull's no man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2016
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What kind of music does Bernie Sanders listen to?

Progressive Rock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scorchedgoat
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Been sick lately, went to the doc yesterday. Got my wife good later.

I picked up a head cold from my toddler and was worried about it progressing to something worse. Texted my doc, and he said to come in ASAP. That afternoon, he prescribed for me some cough meds, and a nasal steroid to help with the blockage.

I get home, and after putting the still-snotty kiddo to bed, my wife and I retreated to the boudoir to talk and relax. She wanted to know what Doc prescribed. She gave me the perfect setup for a dad joke.

Me: Oh, some pearls and codeine for the cough, and a steroid spray for my nose.

Wife: Where is it?

Me: (pointing at nose) It's right here in the middle of my face.

She laughed. Good thing we were far enough away we didn't wake up the kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twilightmoons
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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Got my gf at the gym

My lady and I workout together during the week. Yesterday was chest day and we usually start with incline DB press. She pumps out her second set very well: controlled reps, full range of motion. I was proud to see her progress. She said the weight felt easy, to which I replied, "you could increase the weight... if you were so inclined." She muttered "oh my goodness..." and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hu_lee_oh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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My dad can string this joke out forever. I've seen it go for 20 minutes.

A man gets a new job at the zoo.

On his first day, he still doesn't really understand what exactly he's meant to do, just that it involves the Gorillas. He goes and checks in and the manager sits him down to explain.

"Now look," says the manager, "We've been having some troubles lately with our gorilla. He was acting up, getting really agitated with the environment, so we had to send him away. We told the people that enclosure's being repaired, but we're actually looking for a new gorilla - can you do it for us?"

The man is unsure, but he needs the money, so he agrees, puts on a gorilla suit and goes out there. At first he's a bit mopey, so he sits around a lot.

After a couple of days he begins to warp up and eats a couple of bananas and wanders around a little.

Over the course of the next few weeks he becomes progressively more outgoing, moving around, playing in the jungle gym, hollering around and beating his chest. He's a big hit and everything's going really well for him, until one day he's on his monkey bars and getting really into it, but he slips and flies through the air, over the pit, clears the fence and lands in a pile of bushes in the next enclosure.

He is just beginning to pick himself up, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees something in the foliage.

A pair of eyes lock with his.

It moves closer.

He knows this is it.

He begins to pray.

Suddenly the creature leaps and tackles him - the biggest, ugliest lion he's ever seen!

It leans in close.

He can see every gleaming tooth in it's mouth

He can smell the lion's breath

It opens it's mouth

And from inside the lion he hears a whisper.

"Make this good or we'll both lose our jobs."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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My friend just launched a new human rights initiative. I asked him how it's going.

"It's a work in progress."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zanman28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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Son: Dad, what's the time?

Dad: The time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/confirmedpawnshop
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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Joke chain...

So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.

I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".

As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".

Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."

And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".

It's funny because it all chains together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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New dad here: nailed it at work today

Walking with a coworker talking about my 6 week old son Miles:

Coworker: Seems like Miles is progressing quicker than most at his age. He's got some good genes!

Me: Good khakis, too.

Not my best work, but again: new dad here. You gotta crawl before you can walk!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubstylee43
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
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What insurance covers sex changes???

Progressive!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eekamouse22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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A Dungeons & Dragons Related Dad Joke...

I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".

Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."

Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."

I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:

  • A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
  • A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
  • A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
  • A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/transplantasian
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
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I think my coworkers getting tired of the construction jokes I've been working on…

A group of us were walking by a building expansion that's been under construction for a while when one of my coworkers said, "Look! They're installing the large glass windows on the front!"

I couldn't help but say, "I guess that's a pretty clear indicator they're making progress!"

There may or may not have been a face palm afterwards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
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Why are Republican glasses cheaper than others?

Because they don't believe in Progressive lenses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shockingzelda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
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I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference. On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chewy_64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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Me and my boyfriend haven't had much sex lately

I told him that I was hungry. He replied with "hi hungry, I'm horny.''

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πŸ‘€︎ u/booofedoof
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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This morning I saw a lady scraping the ice off her wind shield with her credit card.

..She's not going to make any progress at that rate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tritty_kutz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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Got my wife with this one last night

[Discussing my plans to progressively steal more & more of my old Lego from my parents place]

Me: So this stuff I took was mostly technic pieces coz my nephew is way to young to understand how it all works

Her: But it's still harsh to be taking it - what about when he does become old enough for it?

Me: This is my plan for the future & the Lego which will go to our own children eventually... Call it... my legocy!!

[Wife makes one of the loudest dad joke groans I've ever heard]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fortalyst
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2016
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My childhood

I'm not sure if this qualifies as a dad joke, but... Whenever I missed school in my childhood or had to have something signed, like a progress report, I would usually have my mom sign it. The few times I forgot where she had already left for work, I would have my dad sign it. I would never look at it and just rush off to the bus. I would get to school and hand it into my teacher and she would look at me like I was an idiot and hand me the paper back:

"To whomever it may concern, Robrak was ill yesterday, please excuse his absence.

Abraham Lincoln"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robrakk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2013
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My son struck dad joke gold, caught us both by surprise

My son is 14 but he still picks his nose. A lot. He also eats it after. A lot. Grosses me out to the extreme, so I rib him about it hoping he'll stop, even using bribery, but no progress yet.

A couple of nights ago I saw him doing it again out of the corner of my eye, then he suddenly got up and ran into the kitchen for a napkin. Yup, bloody nose, no surprise there.

"Find what you were digging for?" I asked him.

"No," he says. "I was digging for gold but struck oil."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akambe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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My wife dadjoked my son and me

My 2.5-year-old son was singing Old MacDonald in the car and decided to be a little silly by having each verse be a progressive number of mittens on his farm.

When he got to five mittens, I asked him, "Why would he need so many mittens? How many hands does he have?"

While my son was thinking it over, my wife replied, "They are for all of his farmhands."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
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Got my gf to laugh at this one

My girlfriend was having trouble updating the soundcard driver on her computer, and no matter how long she waited the update made no progress.

GF: I'm so frustrated with this driver.

Me: Did he not signal?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pilaco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
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Wife is 12 weeks pregnant, so I'm practicing. . .

My wife has been keeping me updated on her progress and told me, "It's 12 weeks today and my uterus moved!"

I asked, "Did you get the security deposit?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stillcold
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
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I'm a newlywed and I think my wife's trying to encourage me to be a dad.

Me, trailing from a conversion in progress: "... Sounds like the holocaust"(Said Hole-ih-cost in my accent)

Her: "Holy-caust?"

Me: "Holy-cost. How much does being holy cost?"

Her: "Six million Jews."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/V13Axel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2014
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My Dad pulled this one last night.

So we were all walking out of a restaurant last night and this was the exchange between my dad and a complete stranger wearing a Foo Fighters shirt which i didn't realize till after the exchange. Dad "How are the fighters?" Stranger " Huh?" Dad "Well they have been fighting the Foo for years, was just curious if they are making any progress."
I laughed but the guy was blanked faced. It's because i am a dad now and have a taste for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimKatsin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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Pulled this one at brunch today.

A couple friends and I were eating and had been talking about the history of ethnic cleansing in Bosnia.

Friend: Wow, were actually having a real grown-up conversation.

The conversation progressed on and eventually evolved into an inappropriate discussion on our pooping schedules.

Friend: So much for our adult conversation.

Me: Ya it totally went down the toilet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/intelligentleman2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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Took the day off from work and helping my wife cook bread for Turkey Day tomorrow...

I sent her a picture of the progress, she replied that I probably used too much flour, I replied "Sorry, I didn't know how much I kneaded." Groans were heard around the world.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aRVAthrowaway
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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My boyfriend made a political dadjoke yesterday.

He didn't know what to make for lunch. I said, "You have progressive soup in your cabinet." To which he replied, "I knew it was free thinking, but I didn't know it was that liberal!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gallifrey_ginge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
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Dad went mythical on me.

I started running a few weeks ago and since my dad is one of my biggest supporters, I had to tell him about my progress when he called today:

Me: "So, I went for my longest run yet, today. I feel fine now, but I'll probably be mighty sore tomorrow."

Dad: "You'll be a Norse god tomorrow?"

Me: ?????

Dad: "Mighty Thor."

dad laughter ensues

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicEngender
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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I think I made a dadjoke today...

This morning my mom was talking to my girlfriend about our little girl. She was born a bit early, and she was tiny anyway (2lbs 9 oz at birth). She just grew out of her preemie diapers (woohoo!) and they wanted to keep one to document how small she was. My mom's been doing these for some time so she's had this kinda stuff around forever. She's planning on putting something together chronicling my baby's life, and the progression of her size is obviously important.

The following conversation ensued...

>Her: I guess I'll stick one of these [diapers] in my scrapbooking stuff.

>Me: Well, I guess in this case it'd be more like crapbooking stuff.

Small amounts of groans and sarcastic laughter ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1unacy
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EcksMarksDespot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Isn't the opposite of progress.. congress?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i3loke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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What's the opposite of progress?

Congress.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/and69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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Is pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress?

Congress.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JG_melon
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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If the opposite of β€œpro” is β€œcon”,

Then the opposite of β€œprogress” is β€œCongress”

(Dads can be woke too)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatherNigel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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If con is the opposite of pro, then

Is Congress the opposite of progress?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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Since con is the opposite of pro...

it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alysuh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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If pro is the opposite of con...

... what is the opposite of progress?

I know. Mind = Blown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterGot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2013
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