Yeah, I work out. I do one sit-up every day.
When I get up in the morning, that’s half. When I lie back down at night, that’s the other half.
I gave up explaining to my Zen master how E-mails work.
He can't just comprehend what attachments are!
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
I just realized they can't ever make a movie about a male scandanavian Transformer who works as a stand-up comedian.
They'd be guilty of vehicle Lars mans laughter.
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
Picking my cousin up from work at Target, asked her if she's in Style this week (fitting room/clothing)
Her dad said "she's never in style, she's always out of style. Her clothes never look good"!
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
Picking up my friend for work...he messaged me sayin he'd be right out, he was fixin' coffee...
So i asked "how'd it break?"
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
I said, "No, not particularly."
What do you tell yourself when you wake up with fever and realize you are late for work?
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”
REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D
A pun I thought up driving to work this morning and sketched for you all!
I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and chips on the way home from work and she hung up.....
She's still angry she let me name the kids
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out
thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms
I really don't like hanging around horses. Every time I come up with an idea, they say it won't work.
They're a bunch of neigh-sayers.
Student (after being absent): I'm back. Do I have any make-up work?
Teacher: Yeah, go home and practice your mascara.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
A friend and I went into business selling chess sets. During Christmas, we have to both work and ring people up at the register...
Was looking up some work rumors, found this gem
Help me come up with a pun for work!!!
So I’m going to be in charge of a team for work and I need a punny team name involving one of the following words/phrases.
I want my team to be dinosaur/Jurassic Park themed and my company is called Caption Call.
I need to use something from the following list:
Caption
Captioner
Callers
CA
CAs
Dictate
For example there’s another team called “Caption America”
The best I’ve come up with is “veloci-captioners” but it’s a reach...
I used to work in a muffler shop, but I had to give it up...
because it was exhausting.
What does a depressed interior designer say when he messed up his work?
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
I'm going to help set up a new network tonight at work.
Tonight we're gonna' party like it's VLAN 99.
I just signed up for my work's 401k
but I don't think I can run that far.
Work for me lately has been mostly busting up concrete and hanging sheetrock
So I spend a lot of time jacking around or screwing off
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60.
Boss: You’re fired.
I just signed up for my work's 401k
I'm not sure I'll be able to run that far.
I randomly place these around my work place. If you’re having a bad day, look up at what I drew for you. No, they’re not my original thoughts, but it makes work a better place.
I have the gift for the gab, but I need to work on wrapping it up
If you break up with your girlfriend over her dental work, dies it mean you are bracist?
Posted this poorly this morning. It may be trash, but I think it is original.
Dad and daughter come into the restaurant I work at. He was crackin me up the whole time.
They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.
Dad: How do you pronounce that one?
Me: Falafel?
Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..
Daughter: (Face palm)
.
EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.
.
and again..
.
Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.
Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.
Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)
Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)
I got sunburned a few days ago, so I didn't show up to work today.
I came home from work and asked my dog if he was sweet like ice cream cause he's gettting scooped up.
Posted this classic to the work corkboard, and my manager followed it up with another good pun underneath it.
imgur.com/OoOpuBD
I picked up that new console my kids've been begging for on my way home from work today.
I put it down before leaving the store, though. Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting.
Couldn't pass up the opportunity for a pun at work tonight.
I'm a manager at a hotel and I got stuck covering the desk for an employee tonight. A 50ish-year-old couple came in with their teenage son and said, "reservation for Knight..."
"Yeah, here we go...A room with 2 queen beds for one night..." I replied, "well...for three knights, I guess..." and I gestured toward them.
The teenager immediately rolled his eyes, the dad BUSTED out laughing and the mom chuckled and said, "normally, he makes those jokes!"
The husband then says, "Yeah I had one all ready to go!"
I was proud that I beat them to the punch. It was a good day.
I work at a shoe store and we were setting up for an event...
My co-worker turned to a veteran employee and said, “ya know, for as long as ugg has been around I’m surprised they haven’t made any uggs for dogs.”
I chuckle to myself for a few seconds and he asks, “What the hell is so funny?”
I respond in the voice of an over enthusiastic sales man, “Hello there miss, I see you’ve brought your dog in today, what size is she....K-9?”
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way home from work. She didn not respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way home from work. But I was met with a stony silence.
I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up cheeseburgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me...
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins...
I texted my wife that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. She didn’t respond.
I think she regrets letting me name our kids.
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