I saw a notice from Santa saying he was putting Prancer up for adoption. He can't work anymore because of macular degeneration. I was considering adopting him...
...but my wife said "that's a bad eyed deer."
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
True story, I was at a work function where lunch was served. A co worker came over with a plate and his tie had somehow ended up in the plate.
I thought I was hilarious when I asked “I didn’t know they were serving Thai (tie) food.
Nobody got it, wtf was it that obscure a reference?
Less a dad joke, more a dad observation.... People lament on the first fish evolving to live on land and wish it had just stayed there so we don't have to get up early to go to work.
But then we'd have to go to school every day.
I work in a warehouse and just thought this one up...
Why was the man afraid that the pallet would attack him?
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>
>
>
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Because it was a bare pallet...
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
The aspiring artist would mash-up other artists' work, and call it his own...
They said he was juxta-poser.
Was walking home from work last night, and a guy jumped me from behind a bush and lathered me up with milk, butter and cheese.
To liven things up for the staff, I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to come into work dressed as a different kind of bread product every day.
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
A guy shows up late for work. His boss yells, “You should have been here at 8:30!”
The guy replies, “Why, what happened at 8:30?”
A friendly of mine got fired from the perfume factory for failing to turn up for work.
His boss said keeping him on made no scents.
I got home from work today to find that someone has taken up all my grass from the garden and left it in a pile in the corner.
I thought to myself , that's sod.
Came up with this little one at work.
What do you call a cheese themed car?
A Mazdarella!
I was wondering if I should go to work today, and then I saw some guys putting up a giant rectangle along the highway.
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
The meteorologist didn't turn up for work.
He was under the weather.
Yeah, I work out. I do one sit-up every day.
When I get up in the morning, that’s half. When I lie back down at night, that’s the other half.
My shift at work ends at midnight, but I'm a night owl so I find staying up late easy...
...I could stay up until midnight with my eyes closed.
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
I gave up explaining to my Zen master how E-mails work.
He can't just comprehend what attachments are!
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”
REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
A pun I thought up driving to work this morning and sketched for you all!
Picking up my friend for work...he messaged me sayin he'd be right out, he was fixin' coffee...
So i asked "how'd it break?"
I just realized they can't ever make a movie about a male scandanavian Transformer who works as a stand-up comedian.
They'd be guilty of vehicle Lars mans laughter.
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
Picking my cousin up from work at Target, asked her if she's in Style this week (fitting room/clothing)
Her dad said "she's never in style, she's always out of style. Her clothes never look good"!
What do you tell yourself when you wake up with fever and realize you are late for work?
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
I said, "No, not particularly."
I really don't like hanging around horses. Every time I come up with an idea, they say it won't work.
They're a bunch of neigh-sayers.
Dad and daughter come into the restaurant I work at. He was crackin me up the whole time.
They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.
Dad: How do you pronounce that one?
Me: Falafel?
Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..
Daughter: (Face palm)
.
EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.
.
and again..
.
Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.
Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.
Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)
Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)
I just signed up for my work's 401k
but I don't think I can run that far.
Help me come up with a pun for work!!!
So I’m going to be in charge of a team for work and I need a punny team name involving one of the following words/phrases.
I want my team to be dinosaur/Jurassic Park themed and my company is called Caption Call.
I need to use something from the following list:
Caption
Captioner
Callers
CA
CAs
Dictate
For example there’s another team called “Caption America”
The best I’ve come up with is “veloci-captioners” but it’s a reach...
Was looking up some work rumors, found this gem
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out
thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms
I just signed up for my work's 401k
I'm not sure I'll be able to run that far.
Student (after being absent): I'm back. Do I have any make-up work?
Teacher: Yeah, go home and practice your mascara.
I used to work in a muffler shop, but I had to give it up...
because it was exhausting.
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60.
Boss: You’re fired.
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way home from work. But I was met with a stony silence.
I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.
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