When a thief is caught today, it’s not like the olden days. Now, you get a mugshot and housed in a jail cell. Then, they were just drawn and quartered.
He said: No, we haven't even got any leads.
And don't forget constitution.
& hence I don't care 'bout anything.
Sofa sew good.
I wasn't sure I was ready for that, so I asked her if I could start with amateur-gressive lenses first.
How much more jogging my memory must I do?
A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.
He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.
((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))
The student responded: 'thank you for asking, i'm doing excellent.'
A plague-al cadence
Progressive Metal
Viscosity, because they’re resistant to Flo
It's Flo Rida
That's Snow Joke
Authorities are saying it's race-related.
Because it's 4/4.
They weren't big fans of arrrbitration.
What, it's still going on?
Isn't Wimble-done yet??
I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.
I'm passive progressive
Guess it was Progressive.
They did Nazi that coming.
(do I really need to spell this one out?)
Present progressive: It is nothing Present simple: It noth
And that's a huge ass connection.
We were better than The Cure
In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:
-
Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.
-
Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.
-
Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.
Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.
In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.
The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.
When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."
Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"
Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"
Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...
To hide in a cherry tree!
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Works, don't it
I have a good punch line but haven't been able to design a satisfying lead in for it:
Do you know why the string family decided to break up?
...
Apparently not (A parent-ly knot)
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat.
Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
is progress the opposite of congress?
Congress.
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress”
(Dads can be woke too)
