A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I'd positioned my car correctly.
It said "Parking fine". So that was nice.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
A former astronaut applied for a position at my company. They hired him on the spot because of his resume.
Did you know that charged particles on a feline are always positive?
The pitcher's position in baseball is crucial.
But the catcher's really takes balls.
Today my coworker told me he likes to play multiple positions in baseball.
I told him I’m glad he’s covering all bases.
How do you place and position a lot of silverware?
I wonder how equestrians manage to stay so positive
I mean they're constantly hanging around a bunch of neigh-sayers.
If you get officially tested positive for THC, not only are you high on pot but also high on paper.
My boss called me in to offer me a new position.
Turns out he just didn't like my posture.
My son has been eating electrical cords. What do I do?
Ground him until he conducts himself properly.
What position did Bruce Wayne play in baseball?
So my dad just died because he needed blood and we didn’t know his blood type.
He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths. He kept whispering to us to Be Positive.
What lets you see in the dark but gives away your position?
Two jumper cables walk into a bar…
The bar tender says: “I’ll serve you but don’t start anything”
How do you get a cowgirl to like you?
originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
I was positive she would get it...
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but imaginary.
The KY Derby winner tested positive for PEDs…
I blame the horse. He could have said neigh.
I finally found a genie in a bottle! So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish...
He replied, "oui shall sí."
I got into a fight with my brother on the way to church today because he was positive that Jesus was an Intel processor guy....
When anybody with half a brain clearly knows he has a Ryzen
What do you call a canteloupe with a positive attitude?
I recently got fired from a bank teller position when asked to check a client’s balance.
Why was the train operator so happy after getting hit by lightning?
He was a positive conductor
What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position?
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
What's the most positive thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
What sex position makes the ugliest babies?
I Think that body positivity is great.
But I'd rather have antibodies
I started a petition to swap the position of "a" and "n" in the alphabet.
No one took me seriously when I said jk lmao
I once dated a phlebotomist whom, when she tried to draw my blood, said "Be positive."
It was then I realized, she wasn't my type.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
What is something that is only considered positive during this pandemic?
Being negative and smelling like alcohol.
What did Michael Palin say when Eric Idle messed up his collection of canned meats?
“No-one expects the Spam in this position.”
The cast from Pulp Fiction tested positive with Covid after going camping together:
I tested positive for my corvid-19 test
It really ruffled my feathers
I hate charging batteries.
What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?
U have been tested positive for breathtaking
I told my wife that I must always be positive. She asked “Why must you?”
“It’s in my blood.” I replied.
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...
Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....
Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.
Guess you could say that it was a close shave
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
Did you know Pecans are one of the most positive type of nuts out there...
Else, they’d be called Pecants
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
What’s the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?
The position of the dirtbag
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