A cheetah!
But I’ve seen Stranger Things
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
They don’t have any organs.
It's Gsus
Because they can’t make any mooooooooove
..so we stopped and went home.
She's a keeper.
I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
They don't have any skin in the game.
Now I’m outside banging and hollering ‘Oh PUN the door!!!’ ‘Oh PUN the door!!!’
Duck duck moose.
Let's just say The Dolphins had a perfect season
It takes a lot of balls.
You have probably never heard us
Cause it was a real rock concert
Thanks for every ting.
A cue stick guitar.
Hugh probably know him by Jackman
A real magic Ian.
The ICU
Fucking attention horns.
The mother says, "Hey everyone, look at that. Isn't that amazing?" The father, unimpressed, replies, "It's just an algorithm".
An impasta
At the leper colony.
I always need to console myself.
Louisville Slugger
Me: Sure, what are you playing?
Whenever you go passed a field with a hay bale point to it and say “Hay kids!”
When they look and say “what?”
Calmly say “Hay.”
Serious groans every time...
But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”
Beertrix potter
But strangely, he kept a dictionary as the only other player. I asked him what he was doing.
He said, “Son, in this game of life, you just need to play with words to make a good dad-joke!”
I don’t know what to make of it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
...would be preposterous
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars.'
I’m finding it hard to deal with this.
Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"
Her: "Its me."
Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"
Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"
My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!
luckily he caught a Tuna
I just stand at the back and ting
Endless Love
Because she is a Fe Male
as long as it doesn’t get out of hand.
It's instrumental to my comprehension.
Because he’s always spotted.
He had ten-tackles!
uno the rules,its time to die
Gluten Tag
He's always up for a knock knock joke no matter what
He instantly replied, “but mom said I couldn’t play Fort Night”
(He’s gonna be a great dad some day)
Her friend: I-1
My kid: No, you didn't.
(This just happened)
Good friends are hard to find.
I am playing in the cup tommorow.
Finnish Him!
He’s Jack in the box.
She Mrs. the net!
Oh, put a sock in it!
It left them in pieces.
You can say that I am medley in love with it.
Life Goals:
Have a daughter
Name her 'Dearly'
Train her to be an accountant
Employ her at my business
Wrap up every transaction with: Now you'll pay Dearly for this.
EDIT: Spelling
Rookie mistake
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
He loves Tibet.
Proctor & Gamble
But I don't like talking about my checkered past.
I told her she's mixing apples and oranges.
Because i got hots for you
The guitartar
Mount Rushmore
The I C U
(Heard this from my dad 5 minutes ago)
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
I'm not sure, but the awnser must be blood-curling.
When I saw her kill a butterfly, so to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don’t get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said "Nice try".
I didn't really want to be a neigh sayer.
Mount Rushmore!
