Patting Puns

My wife said, “I’ve about had enough of the butt puns.” I replied, “Would you say I’m being a pun in the butt?”

I said to my wife: "Look, I'm patting her on the butt.

My wife says: "You're like General Patton!"

Me: "Or Patton Oswald!"

Wife: "I was going to say Patton Oswald, but..."

Me: "You were looking for a more General term?"

Wife: "You're really dumb."

Pat Methane-y

Postman.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

That has always been my Achilles' elbow.

I'd like to buy an owl.

He's definitely more someone who could be described as a consonant professional

Try-kovsky

(I was ridiculously pleased with myself for this one 😂)

Then you’re Patrick

A pat on the head

Pat.

so I clarified it for her.

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, “Hey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, “go away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said “We will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. “Hey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, “Wow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, “Say that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, “Well I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, “Charlie! It’s a talking dog!”

I said, “it’ll be 0-0.”

A St. Pat-trick! Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone!

They weren't up to scratch.

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

I thought it was weird. Shouldn’t the farmers be giving them a living wage?

You get them VERY ANGRY

You get patted on the head.

I guess he had to buy a bowel.

She replied, "Only marginally".

He achieves near-Vanna on a daily basis.

It's cut and dry.

Pat

Pat.

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

My dad told me this one this morning.

On almost any episode of Wheel Of Fortune you might hear Pat Sajak say, "No 'L'. No 'L'."

Dad - "Boy, I bet that stadium gets really hot after the game is over"

Me - "why?"

Dad "Because all the fans are gone"

Should have been titled, "FBI director declares himself unpatriotic!"

I really don’t know where to post this, it’s kind of a dad joke, I suppose, but it’s a story I that had just come to mind.

I was in a head-on collision several years ago and suffered a broken left tibia, which had to be pinned. I had been visiting the doctor, a week or so after surgery, so they could get a look at everything. I was in a wheelchair in the lobby where there were several elderly patients from a local assisted living facility. I was wearing one sneaker and one bedroom shoe, because my left foot was swollen still.

An older gentleman in a wheelchair, wearing a hospital gown, asked me: “Son, did you lose a shoe?”

I said, “No, Sir. I found one!”

He had a good laugh and patted me on my good leg as they wheeled him out to the facility’s van.

It made me feel really good to see him laugh like that at my goofy little joke.

Contestant was unable to solve the last puzzle:

_ _ T I C I _ _ (Occupation)

As the answer is revealed, Pat says:

OPTICIAN... You didn't see that coming, huh?

Whenever he was good, his dad gave him 10p and a pat on the head. By the time he was sixteen, he had £786 and a flat head.

To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, "They're, their, there..."

Have you been pat tested?

Something

You could tell him to get off the couch by saying "Get down, Mr. President!"

A pat on the head

What did they call post man pat when he retired

Pat

A pat on the head