If you give a man named Rick a pat on the back

Then you’re Patrick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MintySack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Our cat didn't approve of my pats...

They weren't up to scratch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/psychswot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Me to my daughter in regards to the gyms closing: "Guess I won't be flattening this curve." (As I pat my belly)

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Batchet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I bet my son $10 I could predict the score of the Pats-Rams game tonight before it starts, and he said you’re on.

I said, β€œit’ll be 0-0.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Did you hear about Pat Sajaks emergency surgery?

I guess he had to buy a bowel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AGBalazs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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The folks at Jack Links really have their beef jerky making processes down pat...

It's cut and dry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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What's postman's Pats name when he retires?

Pat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bunneylovin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
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Why does Pat Sajak look so content?

He achieves near-Vanna on a daily basis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoburLC
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
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What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?

Pat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fingerofblame
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
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Pat Sajak Loves Christmas

On almost any episode of Wheel Of Fortune you might hear Pat Sajak say, "No 'L'. No 'L'."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunboySlim
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
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My dad just hit me with this one during the Panthers Pats game

Dad - "Boy, I bet that stadium gets really hot after the game is over"

Me - "why?"

Dad "Because all the fans are gone"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leejoness
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Did you see that article where the FBI director related Hilary and Russia with his hate for the NE pats?

Should have been titled, "FBI director declares himself unpatriotic!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pozpills
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
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Pat Sajak just dadjoked a contestant

Contestant was unable to solve the last puzzle:

_ _ T I C I _ _ (Occupation)

As the answer is revealed, Pat says:

OPTICIAN... You didn't see that coming, huh?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idrinkwisky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
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I was sitting on the couch patting my baby on the butt

I said to my wife: "Look, I'm patting her on the butt.

My wife says: "You're like General Patton!"

Me: "Or Patton Oswald!"

Wife: "I was going to say Patton Oswald, but..."

Me: "You were looking for a more General term?"

Wife: "You're really dumb."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadSmash4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
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Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.

Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.

"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"

"Why's that Dad?"

"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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What do get if you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ur-main-man-gabe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

My dad told me this one this morning.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Christmas-Pickle
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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How do you calm down a grammar Nazi?

Give them a gentle pat on the back and say, "Their, There, They're."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Me: Finished my workout, has 50 burpees

Dad: have your roommate pat you on the back to get rid of them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Going Shopping

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Just saw my son crying because he doesn't know what a homophone is.

To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, "They're, their, there..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jskoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2017
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"Mr. President" could be a great name for a dog...

You could tell him to get off the couch by saying "Get down, Mr. President!"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Walter_Bishop_PhD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
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Been a dad for two years, finally posting something on here.

Something

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goose314
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
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Dave and Joe are browsing a Jerusalem dating site.

Dave sees the girl of his dreams and asks Joe, β€œI can’t believe my eyes, is this girl real?”

Joe pats his buddy Dave on the back, β€œYea bud, she Isreal.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abram_SF
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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A Hat Trick of Patricks

A while ago a friend was telling me how they named their bike Patrick and that their previous bike was the same color and also named Patrick. I replied "Cool. So if you get one more you'll have a Pat Trick."

(β€’_,β€’)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gravi-tea
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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England doesn't have a kidney bank but it has a Liverpool
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eternalrocket
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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My Dad. Every Morning. To Everyone.

Dad: How'd you sleep??

Everyone: Good, and you?

Dad: I slept with my eyes closed.

Dad: http://imgur.com/M3jPjIA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kauto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2014
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I saw this described as a "visual dad joke"
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenCristina
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Going to be a dad officially in a month... I think the change is happening.

Went to visit the in-laws, and as soon as we walk in the door

Mother-in-law: So, JustAPaddy, what are you upto?

Me: Oh, about 6'1"

My father-in-law laughed hard and pats me on the shoulder, we are the only two that laughed... my wife and MIL groaned

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustAPaddy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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Your bad at grammar?

*Pats you on the back* There, Their, They're.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuubuspoobus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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I find sliced butter very comforting

It's like: pat, pat... pat, pat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxAvery
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Found out last night that my 7 year old son is a dad

On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.

>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.

Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.

I have never been so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jessesc123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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So, my youngest son was pestering me for candy at Party City one Halloween...

I gently told him "No" at least 6 times, and finally we were at the register. My wife was checking us out, and he asks again.

Me: "Son, if you ask for one more piece of candy, I'm going to go back in time and take away the candy you had yesterday."

He stopped asking.

My oldest son looks at me defiantly and says, "Okay, do it to me!"

{ thinks for a second }

Me: "Fine. Do you remember that Snickers bar you had yesterday?"

Oldest looks confused and says, "What?? I didn't have a Snickers bar yesterday!"

Me: "Exactly."

I pat him on the back as he processes, and we exit the store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denzien
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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Hit the hight of my comedic career last night.

I was at a party and a few friends and I were sitting around talking, when the subjected of anesthesiology came up. A high school senior was talking about how he wanted to become an anesthesiologist, when someone else says "I hear it's an incredibly boring job."

Without missing a beat I come back with, "Yeah, I mean it literally puts people to sleep."

In my head I imagined the whole room bursting out in laughter, but instead no one heard me, apart from my girlfriend who patted me on the head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/logancook44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
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Just a standard conversation with my dad...

http://i.imgur.com/Xp8DaVY.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eggerslolol
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2015
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I've got that sinking feeling

Pats and taps are the same thing until you try to faucet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WorldAroundEwe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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I took my dog to the vet because he was losing hair on his head.

Apparently he's got male patting baldness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewargingned
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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Post man pat

What did they call post man pat when he retired

Pat

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rapping_Tomatoe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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What do you get if you walk under a cow?

A pat on the head.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElZoof
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A. A pat on the head.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maryfountain
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

You pat them on the back and say their, there, they’re.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xBad_Wolfx
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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