But every time I try, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers
Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?
I only eat greasy food on Fryday
Too many crabs.
I just got out of jail for shoplifting.
I think I’ll call it the dark side of the spoon.
I asked my dad what he and my mom did for Valentines day and he said they had multiple dates. I asked him how they went and he the dates were very healthy and I should eat dates too..He was talking about eating the dry fruit!
A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.
Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.
Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.
Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.
Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.
Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.
But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.
Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.
The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:
"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."
Because seven ate nine
But why did seven eat nine?
Because they say you need three healthy, squared meals a day
But it kinda sucks though how the Spanish magician, stole all of your three meals and disappeared without a tres
...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."
The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.
"How was it?" the doctor asked.
Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"
Me: "Lol, in University I make a ham and cheese sandwich for like every meal"
Mom: "Don't you wanna eat something more healthy?"
Me: "No mom, it's so good and so easy to make"
Mom: "But also so unhealthy to eat it all the time"
Dad: "Hah, so why don't you just make a cheese and ham sandwich instead of a ham and cheese sandwich? Must be way healthier! HAHAHAHA lmfao...."
-silence-
Wife: That's something I really want, a food processor!
Me: No. We already agreed to eat healthy in the new year.
Wife: What are you talking about? You can make some really healthy foods in a food processor.
Me: I refuse to continue to eat processed food.
I was texting my mom during dinner.
Me: "I had a plate of carrots, string beans, and cucumber and broccoli as part of dinner."
"I also got a plate of french fries so I don't eat too healthy."
Mom: "lol. It may send your body into shock."
Me: "are you saying it will put me into a vegetative state?"
Me: Well, that seem unethical.
Wife: Because it's healthy?
Me: I don't see why it's healthy or ethical to eat asian babies.
Wife: ...I meant Asian food for babies.
Me: Oh! Well that makes more sense.
...a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
