Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
You call USPSpspspspspspsps.
I think my delivery may be off.
It will be bursting with flavor!
You could say I completely wiped out.
Inflation
A 3rd ant joined, and beat them both, and started gloating about it.
The two ants said, "that wasn't a race. We were just following instructions."
The 3rd ant asked, "what instructions?"
The two ants said, "see right here, it says 'tear across dotted line.'"
My girlfriend and I opened a new pack of pre-sliced cheese. As we’re munching, I hold my mouth in pain and say “Ow!” She asked what was wrong and I said, “Well no wonder my mouth hurts, the package says this is extra sharp cheddar.” She was not amused
Sphinx wrapped
Because he was very good at orienting objects.
(Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
Fed Ex.
In a blister pack.
It was an Amazon Crime
A FedEx
They can’t include vacation packages that don’t include themselves.
Why did the thief steal the planner?
So they can participate in organized crime...
That should ring a bell.
Because it was delivered.
After the trainer vowed she would leave no Stern untoned.
I guess you'd call him a post-man now.
He told the mailman, “ Ah... just what the doctor ordered.”
Hey look, this beef was fed vegetarians!
Let that sink in.
Happy Father's Day!
amazon primates
Don’t worry, I’ve been around the block a few times in my day.
Make America grate again.
It was a his and hearse package.
Because it's not Stroganoff
Gershwin's rapped CD's in blue.
They both play with dollies all day!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
He wants to Make America Grate Again
A cantina.
Guess he made a missed steak.
My friend was very annoyed about the extra he had to pay for the "syn-tax".
"Somewhere, a snowman is singing soprano..."
My three month old daughter was in the background so I asked her if the baby added a lot for shipping.
She said no, but it took a long time to arrive because it shipped from vachina.
I opened up the front door to check if a package had been delivered and walked away disappointed, "Darnit! I was expecting my deoderant to arrive."
Wife, in the most "whatever" tone she could muster: "Oh no! What are you going to do?"
Me: "I'm going to throw my hands in the air and say, 'This stinks!'"
Edit: Fixed phone keyboard nonsense.
http://www.logodesignlove.com/images/contentious/ups-logo.jpg
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄
Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲
Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.
Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓
Me: Oooof
Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there
Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?
Him: I wooden know about that
So I asked him what to do with the introverted ones.
Me: "Check it out, man... ground beef!"
When the package arrived it was empty. They also charged me twice.....lesson learned.
Because I have a package with your name on it
We received a care package full of snacks, and I explained to her it was from "my friend in Canada." Without missing a beat, she asked with a smirk,"Your friend's name is 'Incanada'?!"
I didn't like the celery package
Dad: "Hey I heard UPS and UFC were going to make a deal and let some UPS workers fight soon."
Me: "Uhhh... what? That makes no sense."
Dad: "No it does. I mean... the UPS guys are already professional boxers. It's only logical."
So last night, i proposed to my girlfriend of 7 years. We went to go watch Boyz ii Men out here in Las Vegas. I had purchased the meet and greet package to which the entire show staff and Boyz ii Men were completely aware about what I was about to do.
After I had popped the question, there was silence, Wanya turns over to my girlfriend, and says, "You can say, he's On Bended Knee." I heard my girlfriend silently groan under her breath, before she said YES!
I'm notorious for puns in our relationship, so after he came through with that punchline, she knew that they were in on it too. What an honorable night for a dadjoke!
Photos of the moment here!
http://imgur.com/a/pIO0h
My family ate out in celebration of my sister graduating. On the way out, my mom grabbed a mint and tried to open it, but the package ripped and it went flying. She looked at the ground, sighed, and said, "well, I guess it wasn't mint to be."
At the grocery store with my wife and we walk past the meat counter.....
Me: Oh these ribs must be the extras!
My Wife: Huh? What are you talking about?
Me: The package says they are Spare Ribs.
My Wife: Oh geez, you really need to stop.
Having roast pork for Sunday dinner, which needed to be scored to make crackling:
Mum: The meat needs to be scored.
Dad: 5 out of 10.
No. That's the whole joke. I'm just waiting til he receives the package now
My kids got these chocolate covered ants cookies for Christmas. They asked me to open the package and I said be careful with crumbs, I don't want ants in the house.
Nobody but me was amused.
However, there was an issue with getting the preserves into the packaging phase as the manufacturing plant was downstairs and the bottling machinery was upstairs.
After carefully reviewing the process, the group settled on a solution.
They decided to Pump Up The Jam.
And I was informed that the "10lbs" on the diaper package was for the weight of the baby, not the diaper's load capacity... Who knew?
You'd think it'd be gone off by now, but it's in mint condition
My dad pulled one on my brother when he was going to an interview for an internship with UPS (delivery service).
"What does the UPS guy say when he drops a package?"
"What?"
"Oops"
Laughed too hard at first because I thought it was some sort of anti-joke. But nope, just a lame pun. Stay classy, pops.
My dad is asking questions about a barbecue place my sister found.
>Dad: Do they sell barbecue sauce?
>Sis: They have a picture of bottles on the Google page.
>Dad: OK. Are they open?
>Sis: No. They're packaged.
For a silent auction for a non-profit I'm helping with they need rose puns/play on words for the packages. It's a wine event as well. Here are some of the ideas I've figured out as well. Whine and Rows? Rose Colored Glasses Rose and Shone
Sir Vicks
It's the sound they make when they drop your fragile package.
I remember one time walking up his driveway while he was tinkering on his 2001 Buick Lesabre and I jokingly said "Grandpa, when are you going to get a viper?" He quickly replied "Oh I already have two!" Puzzled, I said "what?" he leaned over his hood and picked up two long plastic packages and showed them to me saying, "look! two vindshield vipers!"
Me: Do you know when bread goes bad?
Him: I don't know. Did you check the "Best by" date on the package?
Me: Hmm.. that's weird. There's no "Best by" on here, but there's a Circuit City.
I hear the benefits package includes sock-options...
Received an email that was copied to about half the company notifying everyone of a package that was returned and undeliverable. It was addressed to a Ms. Bargo.
Without even thinking, I replied all asking if her first initial was 'M,' as an 'M. Bargo' would very likely be the reason for a shipping issue.
Went waaaaaay over the sender's head. Heard it being contemplated and explained over on the other side of the office.
I ordered a l dry erase calendar from Amazon, and it arrived today. My wife got the package asked me "Honey, did you order something off of Amazon?" Me "oh yeah, it's my penis enlarger" Her "ha ha. It's a really big box" Me "damnit, they sent the wrong thing"
Our FedEx guy at work comes in to pick up/drop off packages and goes: "This is a pick up! Give me your packages and no one gets hurt!"
Ok so here's what you do.
Go onto Amazon or Ebay or whatever and purchase a small dog cage. Make SURE that is is made of either completely STEEL. Nothing else. Get advanced shipping or whatever gets it to your door as fast as humanly possible. Now wait patiently for your package to arrive. Once the delivery person knocks on your door to get you to sign for your package tell them to wait until you open the box. If they seem leery of you explain that you have had trouble in the past with your parcels and you just want to make sure that your order is correct. Open the box and remove the cage from the box. Inspect it thoroughly. Now LISTEN CAREFULLY! This is the part you can't mess up. Look up from the cage and stare into that poor delivery person's eyes. Like so deep you can see their ancestors. Say these exact words. "I knew it... I can't believe I ordered a nickel less cage."
To preface, I live on a farm, you can see our goats from the driveway. So the UPS man was dropping off a package to me today, and as I am signing for it this exchange happens UPS Guy: "Uh oh." Me: "What!?" UPS Guy: "Things just goat serious." 😑
http://i.imgur.com/9aj1lmg.jpg
Selfish
I think it had just delivered a package or something.
I need insect puns for the the name of a company who makes food out of edible bugs. It's a packaging project for a graphic design class. I think I'm going with trail mix and the three bugs I'm using are a beetle, cicada, and horn worm. If that helps at all. I would be eternally grateful!!
