What unit of measure do pirates use?
How do you measure a king’s foot?
How do potatoes measure their speed?
The spudometer, of course.
My dad always told me to "Measure twice, cut once"...
One day he measured once but cut twice and lost his job as a Rabbi.
How do you measure the heaviness of a 2.4 million Scoville chilli pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Why can't electronics hobbyists measure voltage?
How do you measure the power of love?
In jewels
It's an engineering joke
What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?
How do communist measure time?
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with
How do elves measure their height?
How do farmers measure land?
My tape measure fell asleep
I found it very inch-resting
How do you measure Firefox's output?
Driving the neighborhood, I told my son we would use the odometer to measure out our Turkey Trot 5k
> Son: It's gonna take a lot of yard sticks.
How did the ghost measure all its Halloween activities?
As a covid detection measure, the eyeglass place took my temperature before I could see the eye doctor.
Does anyone know how I can get it back?
How do you measure the speed of joy?...
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.
He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?
They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!
I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
Why should you always measure a snake in inches?
Because they have no feet!
(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)
Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.
He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..
How do you measure a social media influencer’s popularity?
What does a ninja use to measure someone's pulse
My next door neighbour told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before.
I think he is slowly losing the plot...
How do Americans measure images?
What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?
How do you measure millennials?
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
Why do guys keep a tape measure under their bed?
To measure how long they sleep!
Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.
One shows the other a prototype thermometer.
"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."
The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.
"OK, what temperature is it?"
"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.
"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"
"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"
Why is it hard to measure power usage with differential equations?
Because Watt and Euler don't mix.
I’m having an affair with a tape measure.
It’s amazing the lengths it will go to please me.
What do you call someone who measures how long you're on your front wheels?
An Endocrinologist (Endo-Chronologist)
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
If your country has not started corona measures early enough...
Does it mean hindsight is 2020?
How do you measure shoes?
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now...
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you measure a snake?
In inches they don’t have feet!
How do you measure a snake?
In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
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