What does the postman say after he loses a package?
I’m quitting my job as a drug mule after losing yet another package during a smuggling run.
I just don't have it in me.
Does anyone want a package of dead batteries?
Bad packaging
I recently spied a bag of gummy worms which said “No Artificial Flavors”.
Which got me to wondering: who is buying gummy worms hoping they’ll tast like real worms?
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
How did the detective describe the mysterious package he received?
He said it was an open and shut case.
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
I just opened a package from my dad which contained canned ham.
He told me it was his first attempt at spam mail.
Why did the hermit crab become a hacker?
He was really into shellcode
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
Why did the Amazon package wake up in a bathtub full of ice?
Because it was de-livered.
I bought a package of trail mix and it only had cashews, almonds, and pistachios.
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
The Dad Tax
This is a gag that I've been doing to my kids for a few years - ever since they've started needing help with opening food packages or beverages: I grab a piece, grab a fry from their bag, or I'll take a sip from their drink. They usually laughingly say, " DADDY!". I'll respond with, "Hey, its Dad Tax". They'll growl at me about it.
This morning, I realized a new name for this: Dad Valorem Tax. I told this to my kids and wife this morning. The kids didn't really understand the joke but I got a big groan about it from my wife. So, that at least made my day.
I let my out of town girlfriend know her vegetable service delivered a package today and I had some bad news.
She asked what had happened to it,
I told her the box had a leek in it.
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
My wife returned a package of pantyhose that she bought online, but they only refunded 90% of the purchase price...
...they claimed the 10% was a re-stocking fee.
The U.S. needs to stop selling pre-packaged shredded cheese!
Make America Grate Again!
My fiancé just said this one. Me: A package came for our cat today.
Fiancé: Oh, I didn't realise she was ordering packages.
Me: She must've gone to the bank to get herself a debit card.
Fiancé: Nah, she just went to the neighbours tree.
Me: Huh?
Fiancé: The local branch.
Here’s your package
🙋♀️Thanks mailman
🙋♂️You’re welcome female woman
What do you call a former FBI agent who now works delivering packages?
Lipton probably saw many different pitchers of its brewed beverages before settling for the one on its iconic package...
They auditioned many before choosing the best model tea.
Why do balloons filled with helium cost more than balloons sold in packages?
I jokingly asked my mailman if they test all packages for coronavirus, but he didn't laugh, and now I'm not receiving any letters.
I think my delivery may be off.
How do you get a cat to deliver a package?
You call USPSpspspspspspsps.
My mail carrier got a sex change, so now she's really a post-man ...
guess she had the wrong package.
How do you package French bread?
Microwaving a TV dinner without opening the package to allow steam to escape is the best way to cook it!
It will be bursting with flavor!
Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?
Because he was very good at orienting objects.
(Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
I was running down the aisle to grab the last package of toilet paper, but I slipped and fell before someone else grabbed it.
You could say I completely wiped out.
Found a nice self-contained, already packaged one for y'all!
Two ants seemed to be having a race on a package.
A 3rd ant joined, and beat them both, and started gloating about it.
The two ants said, "that wasn't a race. We were just following instructions."
The 3rd ant asked, "what instructions?"
The two ants said, "see right here, it says 'tear across dotted line.'"
What’s the new FedEx and UPS merger going to be called?
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
My ex is going through a hard time so I decided to send a food-focused care package.
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