Only works when spoken instead of typed out
My uncle used to work at a factory that recycled worn out whitewalls. One day, he fell into one of the processing machines...
I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
I thought about being a comedian instead of a mailman, but it didn't work out
My delivery was terrible.
I saw an interview with an out of work contortionist the other day
He’s struggling to make ends meet
I tried to make jokes about the millions unemployed and out of work.
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
I tried to make a belt out of Italian herbs, but it didn’t work
It was just a waist of thyme
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes.
My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.
But then during babysitting.
Being a plumber and out of work because of the lockdown I've started my own vegetable patch.
It's going really well and I've just noticed my first leek!
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
Out of work?
I hear the detective agency is looking for people.
They kicked me out of art school when my sculpture didn't work out as planned.
I reached my statue of limitations.
I'm really proud of this work. Branching out into a new field here.
Do you think that Terry Pegula's kids ever get tired of him saying, as he's headed out the door to work ...
"Time to go pay the Bills."?
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."
I asked "Which one are you then?"
I just found out people work on top of Burj Khalifa.
I can't believe the heights some people would go to just to earn some money.
My boss yelled at me for cutting articles out of a magazine at work.
He said to do it on my own Time.
Before I had weights, I used to work out by lifting cases of Coke.
I had to stop, because it was soda pressing.
Girlfriend couldn't quite work out why I kept spinning in front of the oven
https://imgur.com/gallery/KLwqu
Brendon Urie just flipped out because none of his electronics have been able to work
He had a panic at the Cisco
[At dinner] Her: I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: Ok. And for the main course?
I beat the shit out of my phone everyday to make it work
Talking to my GF " so I got this from a chick at work today" (hand her a piece of paper) daughter freaks out in the background, "a chick?!? I wanna see I wanna see can I hold it?" Lmao
😔Mom: "I know your brother is overly anxious, but I think the best way out of this is to get busy... Where does he work again ?"
For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.
I seem to have fallen on hard Times.
I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle.
Sorry for the Saab story.
Deodorant irritates my skin, so I got one of those deodorizing crystals. I tried to figure out how it works
It just doesn't make scents.
The other day, I was really worn out from work, but I have my family very well-trained in the ways of the Dad Joke
So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.
At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"
I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"
The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.
The cooler broke at work yesterday, and we had to throw out about $4,000 with of milk...
In the process, a lot of it ended up spilling on the floor. One of the older guys that I work with walked in and said, "Wow, this place is an UDDER disaster."
During the filming of a episode of friends Jennifer aniston could never work out how to work a boat
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
My sister got her wisdom teeth out and I took care of her while my parents were at work.
Felt like a dad when she asked for a milkshake and I walked in with a gallon of milk and said "how shaken do you want it?"
This got me thrown out of the Cafateria at work
Co-worker: I saw a bald eagle in my backyard this morning. It was large but so pretty.
Me: You should consider adding some rogaine to your bird feed.
Co-worker: Why would I add rogaine?
Me: Well you said it was a BALD eagle...
All coworkers: Groan Get Out...Just leave!
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
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