My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Not sure if this board works out.
Picking up my friend for work...he messaged me sayin he'd be right out, he was fixin' coffee...
So i asked "how'd it break?"
My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.
But then during babysitting.
It was early on the 4th of July when we found out if our hard work had paid off. Our patient stood, facing the sky, cutting-edge glasses over his unseeing eyes.
“Jose, can you see? By the dawn’s early light?”
I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
Being a plumber and out of work because of the lockdown I've started my own vegetable patch.
It's going really well and I've just noticed my first leek!
I learned how to draw an isometric the other day, but it didn’t work out.
I tried coming at it from a different angle, but it looked really sketchy
Finally realised these "gym" boards are not going to work out.
How'd they work out the thief was a T-Rex?
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy
- my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
What do you call a place where annelids work out?
Do you think that Terry Pegula's kids ever get tired of him saying, as he's headed out the door to work ...
"Time to go pay the Bills."?
Out of work?
I hear the detective agency is looking for people.
I was at work when i passed by the interviewer's office and saw a small bear walk out depressed, I went in and asked "Whats his deal?"
They said he wasn't Koalafied
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out
thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
What do you call a cow that works out?
My son said that I should work out
"Why? I'm already working in."
They kicked me out of art school when my sculpture didn't work out as planned.
I reached my statue of limitations.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
A girl I’m dating owns a bakery and works long hours. I don’t think it’s going to work out.
I just found out people work on top of Burj Khalifa.
I can't believe the heights some people would go to just to earn some money.
How do you know when a vehicle doesn't work out?
You should check if it has ABS
I asked my skydiving instructor what I should do if my parachute doesn't work. He said when it comes to that, we'll figure it out on the fly.
I really hope my new glasses work out tomorrow.
I’d really like to see 2020
Why did the bike with no wheels work out for so long
If you need some work, you should Sikh them out.
I'm really proud of this work. Branching out into a new field here.
My boss yelled at me for cutting articles out of a magazine at work.
He said to do it on my own Time.
I'm trying to work out a joke about constipation.
But I'm not coming up with crap.
I met a girl on the internet once but it didn’t work out
Got sent an email at work today saying the printer had broken down and so someone may have to come out to it.
I tried, and it was flattered, but it just wasn't interested in humans.
Before I had weights, I used to work out by lifting cases of Coke.
I had to stop, because it was soda pressing.
Filling out a report at work... and finding ways to amuse myself while doing so
Elevators out here doing God's work
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."
I asked "Which one are you then?"
I'm trying to work out a complicated maths equation with a broken calculator
But it’s only adding to the problem
I've been talking to this vegan girl but I don't think we will ever work out...
She keeps refusing to meat up.
Talking to my GF " so I got this from a chick at work today" (hand her a piece of paper) daughter freaks out in the background, "a chick?!? I wanna see I wanna see can I hold it?" Lmao
I was asking my wife for some work out tips, she suggested I try lunges
I thought, that's a big step.
I beat the shit out of my phone everyday to make it work
A professional hole puncher has their work cut out for them.
What works out 8 hours a day but still is sedimentary.
[At dinner] Her: I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: Ok. And for the main course?
What happens after a triceratops works out?
My son keeps borrowing my work out clothes to go to the gym...
..but now he has squatter's rights.
I went on a blind date yesterday, it didn’t work out.
Turns out I'm more into curtains.
I was shocked when I found out an amateur did the electrical work in our house.
Brendon Urie just flipped out because none of his electronics have been able to work
He had a panic at the Cisco
If my current career doesn't work out, I might have a future in stripping.
😔Mom: "I know your brother is overly anxious, but I think the best way out of this is to get busy... Where does he work again ?"
Whipped this one out at work
One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.
"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."
"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"
At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.
What motivates people to work out in Southeast Asia?
I remember my first girlfriend. She was an almond delivery girl. Sadly, it didn't work out.
Exercising in jeans, it just doesn’t work out
Girlfriend couldn't quite work out why I kept spinning in front of the oven
https://imgur.com/gallery/KLwqu
I dated an anesthesiologist once but it didn’t work out
For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.
I seem to have fallen on hard Times.
I was going to receive a promotion at work soon so I bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to help me find out what to expect.
It turns out that the book was not what I expected at all.
Why would you go to the gym to work out when you can go to the Paint Store and get "thinner"
Deodorant irritates my skin, so I got one of those deodorizing crystals. I tried to figure out how it works
It just doesn't make scents.
At work my boss said something that offended me. And when he wouldn't retract it, I walked out and I'm never going back, I'm through with that place. You know what he told me !!!
I couldn't work out why my pet dolphin had stopped communicating
A lasting relationship with someone bright might not work out.
But an on-off relationship would be perfect for them.
Got out-dadjoked at work today
Was getting coffee from the coffee machine when the machine said: "Fill Beans"
So I turned to my coworker and said: "Who is this Fill Beans?"
To which he responded: "I think he's from the Philippines"
How did the constipated mathematician work out his problem?
With a pencil.
Want to know the real kicker?
It was a No. 2 pencil.
I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle.
Sorry for the Saab story.
What did the bird work out at the gym?
I phoned in sick to work for the 5th time this week to tell them I'm flat out on my back.
They told me to stop lying.
Never work out after eating German food.
It'll bring out the wurst in you.
My mouse just would NOT work properly, and I couldn't figure it out
I haven't figured out how my telescope works yet
But I'm going to look into it.
What day should you work out your toe muscles?
When things don't look like they'll work out......
The Egyptian sun god asked me why I go to work each morning. I told him it's primarily to pay off the loan I took out on dried grapes.
"It's my raisin debt, Ra."
The cooler broke at work yesterday, and we had to throw out about $4,000 with of milk...
In the process, a lot of it ended up spilling on the floor. One of the older guys that I work with walked in and said, "Wow, this place is an UDDER disaster."
Ive been trying to work out if the grass really is greener on the other side.
But so far I'm still on the fence.
The other day, I was really worn out from work, but I have my family very well-trained in the ways of the Dad Joke
So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.
At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"
I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"
The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.
During the filming of a episode of friends Jennifer aniston could never work out how to work a boat
I used to work out at Planet Fitness
But i found it's atmosphere to be a bit toxic.
It was really busy at work today and someone jumped in to help me get things done. I told him “Thanks for helping me out. I just couldn’t catch up.”
“I’m glad I mustered the energy, since you couldn’t catch up.
Get it? Mustered.”
After my first blind date with this woman, I knew it wouldn't work out between us and ended it after that.
She didn't see it coming.
Stevie Wonder went on a blind date, it didn't work out he's still not seeing anybody.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Why can't the guy who does inventory for Lipton go out and have a beer after work?
Because he is a tea totaller.
Made a payday joke to my team at work last night while handing out check stubs.
While handing out my teams paycheck stubs at work I told everyone to "Enjoy your checks while they last, you won't be getting paid for the rest of the year!"
Had a blind date with someone from Verizon. It didn't work out. We never connected.
where do astronauts hang out after work
today at work I found out I'm ready to be a dad.
I work at a summer camp where my ongoing joke is instead of doing activities we are going to real, eat vegetables and do math. one kid did not find it funny and asked why:
kid: why do we have to do math? Do you ever use it during summer?
me: sum times.
I repeated it with emphasis on both words for a bout a minute or so until his eyes rolled.
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