Did you hear why melons have big elaborate weddings?

They cantaloupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gc3c
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Elaborate, what's your favorite dog breed ?

Elaborador

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nadimazar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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My greatest weakness is being vague. Could I elaborate?

Yeah

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dottree
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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On my last vacation to the Dakota's, I spent WAY too much at a Native American store known for their elaborate cabinetry facades..

I just had to have a Sioux veneer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotty_gzus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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If people had really elaborate signatures, they wouldn't be so quick to sign things.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/totallyshould
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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One of those puns you need to say out loud to get
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluer1e
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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I quit my job as a mailman when they gave me first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, β€œThis isn’t for me.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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So Donald Trump (or "the Don" as some call him) has realized that illegal immigrants must be deported at night so that no one will see them leaving and complain...

The problem, however, is that there isn't enough light for the immigrants to find their way back to Mexico. Because of this, the Don institutes his "Early Light" plan in order to give the immigrants a way to see. One immigrant, Jose, is partially blind, so they are wondering if the "Early Light" program will still allow him to see. The ask him: Jose can you see by the Don's "Early Light."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoahTheProtozoa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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A cat walks into a veterinarian’s office.

The vet says, β€œWhat seems to be the problem?”

The cat says, β€œMeow.”

The vet says, β€œOkay, where?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mine_Menace
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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Say the opposite of each of these words in order:
  1. Always
  2. Coming
  3. From
  4. Take
  5. Me
  6. Down
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaShivdawg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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Idk if it's been posted before but...

I had to quit my job at the recycling plant last month. I'm really bummed. Why you ask? It was soda-pressing! Lmfao my friends groan every time they hear it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phoenixjade93
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. Then told me I was terrible with directions. And then she added that I should stop cross dressing in her clothes. She also didn't like the female neighbor sun bathing nude in her backyard.

I nearly shit her pants, even though the ice-incident was water under the fridge! I was on the fence about the neighbor sun-bathing nude, but I packed her things and right anyway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes"

He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sb95500
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2016
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After hearing how popular bucket lists were, I thought I would write my own.

Bucket

Pail

Pot

Kettle

Can

Scuttle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealSquiggy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
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3,000 dads just made the same joke at the Purdue-Iowa game

A bunch of ROTC kids were getting sworn in at halftime and the lady says, "I, state your name." And I swear to you, half the dads in the stadium go, "I state your name" followed by stifled chuckles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pufan321
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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A man gets to the hospital just as his child is being born...

He was pronounced Dad on Arrival.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dylex31
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
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When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups... (Long Pun)

When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups. There was a brand identity project for a new company, and I was in charge of typography, but those two disagreed with my choice of font.

The first one was this stony-looking Peruvian-American man named Esteban Ferrero, but since that's Spanish for Steven Smith, and our company had a rule that everyone has to call each other using nicknames instead of last names, everyone, including himself, just called him Steve. The second one was a Dutch woman with a sharp glare named Evelien van der Berg. She was famous for giving designers a hard time convincing her that their design choices work better than hers. In accordance with the company rules, we called her Eve.

Anyway, I showed Steve my first draft, and he wasn't convinced that I chose LinoLetter as the main font, and told me that I should use a sans-serif font. But I stood by my position that serifs add legibility to printed and digital material, that it fits the company's identity as an organic store, and that it is hard to stand out with a sans-serif. It took a lot of debate, but in the end, Steve was convinced that LinoLetter was acceptable.

A few days later, I showed Eve a more elaborated version, as for the sizes and styles of the font, and the pairing of LinoLetter with Century as the headline font. She insisted that I should have used a sans-serif font for the headline. I expressed my view that LinoLetter is a font with composed and legible shape, and Century, while it is also legible, has flair at larger sizes. She kept disagreeing with me, saying I should use something bolder and more contrasting, like Tungsten. It felt like hours had passed before the conversation went anywhere, so I had to give up and look for a sans-serif font that goes with LinoLetter.

So it goes to show that the one who gave me a hard time was adamant Eve, not adamant Steve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday

Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"

Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"

Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrgreencannabis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
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I told my son today, "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it."

He replied, "I don't believe you, but would you care to elaborate?"

I answered, "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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