I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)

I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, β€œHey, don’t try to start anything in here”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
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For anyone that's not 'overall' the details for school
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WankieTankie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
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Teacher: Give me a sentence using the words defense, defeat and detail.

Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/c8choruta
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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I’m writing a novel about a detail-oriented British pea farmer.

It’s called Mind Your Peas and Queues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ May 22
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Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rinteln
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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"Dad, I need details"

"Sorry kiddo, I don't have any. Ask the dog he has got one."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rawSingularity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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I got an email that said "You have won Β£36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details."

"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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My friend wants me to read the details on this website from the Kevin Fiege AMA session...

He doesn't realise I've Reddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncoded_decimal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Ordered Spam online. Oddly, the shipping details email showed up in my regular inbox.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LetsTalkPoliticks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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Help ! I am running out of bomb puns ! Details inside.

So, me and my group of friends recently started a gag going on one of our friends. She rolls with it, so it's okay.

So we just mess around with puns like "You're the bomb", "You've got an explosive personality", any bomb or explosion reference/pun we can make when talking with her or about her basically.

However, we are running out of puns.

Anyone got suggestions ?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarbasPT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2016
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The wife asked me to detail the car this weekend...

I told her I was more of a big picture kind of guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mlnkoly111
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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I told my dad I needed to run to the Art Store to get a detail brush.

"Detail?! I thought that was what you grab a cat by"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingvitaman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2013
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My brother happened to be in Himalayas and captured the most detailed photo of the Abominable Snowman...

Experts say it is the best yeti!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
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People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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I didn't think my friend's MacGyver-ed flashlight contraption would work until he provided a detailed description.

It was very illuminating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tracto

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
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I could tell you how this car was refurbished...

But I don’t like to go into detail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
🚨︎ report
My cat, "description", lost her tail recently. I had to give the vet a detailed description.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucavon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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What do doctors ask for detailed reports?

Because they need it to be a-cure-rate

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thymear
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Whenever I tell my friends that I got my incredibly detailed tattoos in Barcelona, they seem surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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Why did the doctors demand a detailed report on a disease?

Because they needed it to be a-cure-rate

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thymear
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it’s true.

I watched it all unfold.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hearing. After hours of trial and testimony, E emerged, innocent in the eyes of the court. He was absolved of all charges.

Everyone wondered how he managed to pull it off.

There is a reason he is called Mr E.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain... reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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The priest always skims through the bible on surface

Because the devil is in the details

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book called "The History of Lubricants".

It's non-friction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shoopdebop
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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Is an insanely detailed blueprint a

Psycho's Schematic?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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I tried to tell me wife about a dream I had where I was weaving the hair of the Philadelphia Flyer's mascot into intricate braids...

She was disgusted, and told me she didn't want the Knit-ty Gritty details.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
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I'm considering getting into the steel and mining business

.. just need to iron out the details.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmh4321
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
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Did you hear about that Russian space station that was de-orbited in March 2001?

Details are Mir-ky

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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This sub summed up in a photo.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Briggs2326
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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Did you hear about the truckload of pickles that overturned on the highway...

I dunno what the dill is... details are sketchy. I relish any comments with more info about this incident.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his te

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in 5 years?

It's not like I have 2020 vision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kleintrpt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2015
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I took a class on lockpicking.

It's really opened a lot of doors for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/friedchocolate
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
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Former US Vice President Al Gore is known for having invented the internet ...

Not many people know that he's also a pioneer in Artificial Intelligence and music. In fact, he's just published a new paper detailing a theory that combines his research in both fields.

He calls his theory the "Al-Gore-rhythm".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toe-haver
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating

The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BleakPenguin35
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
American literature is very detailed

It's so detailed, that you can say it's Thoreau.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickcooper1991
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., m

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I tried too hard.

An art critic was judging paintings at an event.

The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.

The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.

The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.

The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, β€œWow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PorpoleyPolarBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason...

...details are sketchy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chooboto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Call all pun creators

My sister is in the emergency room with second degree burns on her foot from cooking oil, I need puns to make fun of her at thanksgiving.

Be merciless.

Edit: it was great, you're puns were big hits. After each pun I said your username without context, but at the end of dinner someone asked me if I was going insane and I said "no, those are the pun credits" so, in some of your cases it was pretty funny to say out of context.

Thank you all for your entries, they were great!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrimsonCultist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2016
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Got my wife with a few in a row while my daughter was at her dance class..

So, my wife was telling about how disappointed she was at our kindergartener's "Spring Fling" party this year. She described this one "activity" Where the kids throw a roll of toilet paper and try to ring a toilet.

I remarked "Wow.. that -is- pretty shitty!" And she scolded me for using foul language. "Yea.. sorry for the potty mouth... I'll water it down next time.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
🚨︎ report
A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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I got Dad joked for Father’s Day.

To start, I’m a pretty big dude and sweat easily. At home, I have a big tower fan aimed at me 24/7. My wife hates the fan and it’s often a topic of β€œdiscussion”.

This morning, my wife gave me the heads up that my 7 yo son’s card was all his idea.

The card he made had a very detailed drawing of my tower fan on the front. I looked at it confusedly and opened it up to read:

β€œDad, you are FANtastic!”

Best Father’s Day ever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthRusty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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I quit my job working in HR at a coal company.

I got sick of all the miner details.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was in work the other week.....

We were put onto maintenance detail whilst the line was down, so I’m given a set of overalls to wear. After I threw β€˜em on I was asked β€œhow are they for you mate?” I paused and saw my opportunity to prove my β€˜dadness’ and replied β€œoverall they’re pretty good!” Cue all the groans from the 15 lads! Yes, nailed it!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenko_85
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Keys To Success:

– Attension to detail

– Finishing what you

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to work in HR in the coal industry, but I quit.

I got tired keeping up with the miner details.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Cartoonist found dead in room

Details are sketchy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AloXii_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard that a famous cartoonist died today. But I don't know for sure...

The details were a little sketchy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneraldonut
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
How long does pepper last in the sack?

I don’t know, I don’t have the thyme to find out those spicy details.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jadekinsjackson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Great list of excellent puns

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crΓͺpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop

any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd

never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians in America first? They

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/benschweiz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
🚨︎ report
I sell a diet plan that is guaranteed to help you lose ten pounds a month

Simply set up a monthly Direct Debit for Β£10 to the following details...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
If I need more information, I go talk to a dog...

They always have details.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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How did the Iranian prisoners escape the capital? Tehran away.

I know what you're thinking, "Oman, that joke was Shiite, can't you joke about Sunni else?" I could, or you Kuwait until I'm finished. Do I have more? Yemen, but Israeli not that many. I write them down though... I store them in Iraq. Or for transport I store them I'm my bag, Dad. (Pretend you're my dad.)

Edit: Minor detail (Quatar you doing, man!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DankOfTheEndless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the story about the lost 20 foot python?

No? Well.. i don't have time to go into details, it's very long.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cartoonist that was killed?

Details are sketchy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Msjann
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
A cartoonist was found dead in the apartment...

The details are sketchy.

Courtsey - Plague Inc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timetokill87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes

A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.

Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didn’t sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymaker’s parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.

SOURCE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missourijake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
So my boss helped a black gentleman with his car troubles the other day...

There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluebugs23
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed becau

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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I'd like to write about stress...

I have a tension to detail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lakonislate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2016
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John started working in a color pigment company...

John started working in a color pigment company which specialises in mixing and editing different color pigments according to their customers's demands. Once the color pigments were done, they would be mailed out to the customers with a detailed note commenting on the properties of the produced color pigments. John was placed in the 'Pink Pigment' department which was incidentally between the 'Red Pigment' and 'White Pigment' departments. He was really good at his job and was constantly praised for the great work he produced.

However after a month or so, John found that a number of his work was being duplicated and mailed to almost all of his customers. Worse of all, instead of a proper note commenting on the color pigment properties, these duplicated products were accompanied with rather bad puns and jokes. One repeating joke which irritated him the most was: 'What do you call a country with only pink cars? A pink car-nation.'

Upset, he went to his manager to complain about the pro

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AesSedai99
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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A Dungeons & Dragons Related Dad Joke...

I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".

Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."

Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."

I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:

  • A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
  • A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
  • A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/transplantasian
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
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An old painter is quickly losing his vision

An old painter is quickly losing his vision, but wants to keep working despite being given many opportunities to retire. His boss wants to give younger painters a chance, but the old painter refuses to quit. One day he is assigned to restore a section of the Great Wall that has detailed ancient Chinese calligraphy painted on it. Because of his vision he ends up painting over much of the details in the art and royally screws up. After his boss finds out, he is given a talking to and is immediately fired.

I guess he just couldn’t see the writing on the wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klausklass
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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I saw a video of a lizard losing its tail

It was very detailed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/essenceofpotato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Boston area recently.

There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts.

The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah!", none could shout "Truck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all t

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilaregenbogen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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I picked my dog up from the groomer, and her tail was missing.

I was impressed. I didn't know they were a detail shop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyquill81
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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Blonde concierge trying to sell us a timeshare...

So, my wife and I were on vacation with a couple (male) friends last week. Part of the deal was sitting through a timeshare pitch. Our concierge needed her supervisor (Amanda) to help explain some of the details.

Concierge: "I need Amanda, please."

Me: "I don't think my wife would appreciate it, but you can have either of them."

About a minute later, after continuing on with her spiel, she busted out laughing and said, "I get it now!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohmbience
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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from the ask reddit thread on lame jokes.
  • I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
  • This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  • I wondered why the ball was getting bigger.
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cffff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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My husband's dad game is getting much better.

Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.

On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.

Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.

Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the d

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmutGoddess
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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I'm gonna go to a gun range tomorrow, wanna go?

Great, I'll shoot you an email with the details.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zillo7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2016
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My dad's favorite story.

My Dad tells this story all the time. He goes into great detail about what we bought at the mall and what the pig looked like, just to make it more believable. It usually takes a good 20 minutes to tell the story, it's nearly impossible to keep a straight face.

Did I ever tell you about the time we hit a pig on the highway? We were driving home from the mall and all of a sudden, BAM, we hit a pig. We didn't know what to do. The car wasn't damaged and we couldn't see what happened to the pig, so we just drove home. That night, we get a phone call and it's the police. "Sir, were you driving on I85 this afternoon", the police officer says. "Yes, I was officer" "Did you know it's against the law to leave the scene after running over a farm animal? That will be a $500 fine", says the officer. "No sir I didn't know it was against the law. But I've got to ask, how did you know it was me that ran over the pig?" The police officer responds, "The pig squealed"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Groccolli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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Got Dad joked after paying my car tax

So I just paid my car tax online, and my dad asked if there was a timer saying "Processing" after I had entered my details. I said, "No, but I used a new beta service that's probably different to the old one." He said, "Oh, is that...beta than the old one?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IntegralExtra
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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I’m writing a novel about a detail-oriented British pea farmer.

It’s called Mind Your Peas and Queues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain...

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain...

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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Cartoonist found dead at home

The details are sketchy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guillemqv
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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Cartoonist found dead.

Details are sketchy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nurse_camper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
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A cartoonist was found dead at home

Details are sketchy...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Homer_Simpson2
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
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Cartoonist found dead at home

Details are sketchy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pidddee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2018
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