According to ancient Japanese lore, your aura takes a particular colour when you die.

Cyan Aura.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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The Covid19 situation has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear social distancing measures will push someone over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 294
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissMoops
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.

But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Though I did find the color palate of this particular film rather surprising
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Why aren't statisticians particularly funny?

Because the median function usually suffices. No need for its complement, the comedian function.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukaseder
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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How can you be sure you want to buy a particular style of stool?

Ask for a stool sample!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovina9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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My farts have a particular smell.

They are dis-stinked!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Thought process for this one was particularly long winded
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jrum7000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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I work in electrical wholesale and this is particularly apt.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey1018
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They're very efficient, and not particularly funny.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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My mate

An old friend of mine decided one day that he would have a go a keeping chickens. So he bought a hen house and his first chicken along with very handsome Cockerell Three weeks later his chicken had laid a clutch of eggs and the old hatched out successfully but one little chick just kept growing and growing. He took it to the vet who assured him that although rare for that particular breed there was nothing to worry about After two years this chicken was five foot nine and weighed in at ten stone three pounds. So my mate had what he thought was a brilliant idea. He hitched the chicken to the front of his car and decided he would train the chicken to pull him in the car. This went on for about a month and my mate had saved a fortune in petrol costs. Then one day as he was travelling to work the hitching rope snapped and the chicken was away up the motorway never to be seen again. My mate was distraught and stuck in the middle lane. The police eventually came out and said "What's the problem Sir?". My mate, by now in floods of tears because of his loss said "My big hens gone!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ocin400
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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Which city are Tibetan monks not particularly fond of?

Budapest

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obsidian_Revenger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Equine problems

2 girls are chatting, one isn't particularly bright and seems very deep in thought, the other asks what she's thinking about, the not so bright one says she has an issue, "I have had a horse for years and my parents have just bought me a new one which is virtually identical to the first and I'm struggling to work out which one is which." The friend suggested she try cutting the mane short on one horse making it easy to identify. The friend is over the moon and rushes away to try the suggestion. A few weeks pass and the friends meet up, The friend and how she got on with the mane cutting trick. "It was fine for the first couple of weeks but the mane grew back so I'm back to square one." The friend thinks for a while and suggests cutting the hair on the tail short making identification simple. Again the girl rushes off to try the suggestion. A few weeks later they meet again with much the same story, this time the friend suggests measuring the horses height to see if one is taller than the other. A few weeks later they meet up, the not so clever one is ecstatic and proceeds to tell her friend how it went. "It was amazing and I hadn't noticed but the black horse was 2 hands taller than the white one".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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My College Internship Almost Ruined My Life

I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.

When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.

The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.

Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.

After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.

Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.

Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!

I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instrumentsβ€”but it sure might be sheep or goat.

Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.

I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.

I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????

So I fucking called the museum

got the guy who interviewed me on the lineβ€”and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?

He said, yes, BUT.......

"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yungcfa
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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A botanist tells a joke to another botanist that he finds particularly funny. The first botanist is laughing so hard he can hardly muster a sentence, but manages to say...

That joke was so funny I nearly wet my plants!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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What do you call the burnout experienced 3/4’s of the way through hand-washing a particularly large load of dishes?

Post-Traumatic Stress Dishorder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colorblindbass
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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My daughter has been particularly moody and lonely recently...

Perhaps it’s because she’s a quaranteen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boots_andcats
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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There was once a scientist doing research on some microscopic organisms. To his surprise he found out that a particular species was completely homosexual.

They're algae.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkDeathDragon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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I've never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls...

They're so full of themselves!

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWormaster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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If your can opener can't open a particular can, it becomes a cannot opener.
πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BenisbacK_1900
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Here are 10 things I dislike in no particular ordee
  1. When my plans are abruptly cut short.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justanothernewbie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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Hey Dad why do you go to that particular place to eat fish and chips?

Just for the Halibut

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phroedrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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I’m looking for punny popsicle names. I’d like them to be a play on actual names like Pop Ross, Mary Pop-pins, Pop Seger, Albert Ice-stein, Freezy F Baby, David Pop-perfield, and Iggy Pop. I’m particularly interested in playing upon the names of historical female figures. Help please and thank you!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/polkadotmcgot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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β€œHey girl, you look particularly radishing today!”
πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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A particularly bad sneeze in a church is blasphlegmy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxlyKei
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
How does the God of Thunder feel after a particularly intense workout?

Thor.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My quantum physics professor was really particular about how we wrote the symbols for our wave functions.

She was a total Psi's queen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Dustin Hoffman gets chosen for a role of playing an much older Joaquin Phoenix.

In one particular scene he’s strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells

Hey I’m Joaquin here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Happy Ending

A guy walks into a bar on Ash Wednesday and orders a beer. "I'm really having a hard time trying to decide what to give up for Lent," he tells the bartender. "Well let me tell you a little cautionary tale about giving things up for Lent," the bartender says. "A particular family in LA has been abstaining from using one letter of the alphabet for Lent each year, since 2001. It started as a joke, giving up "A" in 2001 and "B" in 2002, but developed into a strong family tradition. This year, one of the members has a tough choice to make. Unlike the rest of the Astleys, Rick made a solemn vow... "

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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I am very particular about my pens...

It's either go bic or go home.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AsAP0Verlord
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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My kids just got a new puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, and one in particular. I suggested they name him β€œNature.”

Because nature abhors a vacuum

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nsertnamehere
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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My math teacher was really particular. She loved doing statistics and algebra....

But graphing is where she drew the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/santafesmike
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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What furry creature with big ears brings network connectivity to children on a particular Sunday every April?

The Ether-Bunny!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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I got a donut for lunch, but I had to complain about it...

The manager asked, "did you have a problem with any particular part of the donut?"

I said yes. The hole thing.

(one of my only original jokes I've ever come up with.)

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Veavictis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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I think that girl over there has a particularly two-dimensional donkey.

Kudos if you figured it out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kitty_Dragon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Lizards are particularly responsive to the sedative effects of chamomileon tea
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pnewell
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
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What do you call a vegetable in a particular red white and blue pattern

Onion Jack

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b8410
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2018
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…

...which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Despite the name, these forks aren't particularly entertaining. imgur.com/sRZocf7
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeroTo325
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Human interest for 2021 Lent

A particular family in LA has been abstaining from using one letter of the alphabet for Lent each year, since 2001. It started as a joke, giving up "A" in 2001 and "B" in 2002, but developed into a strong family tradition.

This year, one of the members has a tough choice to make. Unlike the rest of the Astleys, Rick made a solemn vow...

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drzowie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report

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