All I can say is one pun man.
I would’ve continued but with that one pun I was already in checkmate
The one pun to rule them all
I was texting a girl last night, and ended up quoting lord of the rings. She said she wasn't sure she recognized the line, but "it rings a bell".
To which I replied "Lord of the rings a bell?"
The flirting promptly ended after that.
My friend keeps telling me to stop making Rogue One puns.
She's told me that like 10 Erso times.
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
One impeachment is bad, but two impeachments
That’s just unpresidented
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation
I really have to make it count
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
As English my second language, pretty proud of this one.
My 5 year old got me with this one:
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
Gonna milk this one for all its worth
Can’t believe someone rubbed one off, in elevator
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
I've invented a sandal for one legged people...
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
Did you know I used to be a Lumber Jack? It was only during one summer, though.
I just couldn't, hack it.
Because I didn't have the, chops.
So they, gave me the axe.
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
I got tired trying to think of a good posting title for this one.
Is buttcheeks one word
Or should I split them apart?
I sent 10 puns to a pun contest, hoping one would win
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
Why do the French only eat one egg at breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I dream to be this commenter one day.
A darker one my 10 year old dropped on me... (possibly triggering)
She could see I was stressed out with work and she and I have a very dark sense of humour.
Hey Dad, you ok?
Yeah li'l beat just over worker and tired and stressed about the holidays.
"hey dad, lots of men struggle with mental health don't worry about it too much, Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain daughters turned out just fine."
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
“We gotta start getting some support around here or people are gonna think we’re nuts”
One time, I got stuck in a tire swing.
...and that's my in-tire story.
He's gonna reach there one way or an otter
What did one spice say as the others were leaving?
No-one laughs when I respond to "How was the gym?" with
"Heavy."
It's like my jokes carry no weight.
You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
What do you call an Italian moose with one leg shorter than the others?
I'm trying to think of puns for one of my designs, Planet Erf. So far I have 'You Deser-ERF it' and 'I luv-ERF you' Any suggestions would be welcomed. Possibly ones that could go on a greeting card.
v.redd.it/hri3com63sc61
I was at a hotel and asked the front desk to switch my pillow out with one filled with feathers...
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.
I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.
One hat says to the other,
"You wait here, I’ll go on a head."
I can't tell you all Japanese history in one joke...
MY GIRLFRIENDS DOG DIED SO I GOT HER AN IDENTICAL ONE
SHE WAS LIVID AND SCREAMED WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH TWO DEAD DOGS !
Current status.. single
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.
Every one reading this is on the same page.
Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
Just got this one from my 90 year old grandma: when does a joke become a dad joke?
... when it is full groan!
(Glad she still has her sense of humor at her age; gives me hope for my future!)
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
....and the second one Duplikate.
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