Ones Puns

I was texting a girl last night, and ended up quoting lord of the rings. She said she wasn't sure she recognized the line, but "it rings a bell".

To which I replied "Lord of the rings a bell?"

The flirting promptly ended after that.

She's told me that like 10 Erso times.

You add "g" and it's GONE

You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"

They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.

Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.

..they make me feel even number.

SO here I go again on my own

G : what type of apples grow on trees ?

my dumbass : idk red and green ?

G : all of them do

wheezes

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

Because they don't have pockets.

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

He wanted to grow a power plant

So I bought her a candle.

It was a shitzu

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

And he said “food usually”.

I said "So it's a well gnome garden".

I laughed harder than he did.

That’s just unpresidented

He’s never gonna give you Up

I now pronounce you man and wifi.

I just see it rising up.

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

... But Quasimodo had a hunch.

Cool ranch.

"Do you smell fish?"

I know I will never hear the end of it!!

But I mist

The one with the lowest μ

Theres this Jewish man who has a son who leaves home and decides to convert to Christianity. He confides in his friend who goes “dude you’re not gonna believe this, my son did the same thing he left home, came back and was all of a sudden Christian.” They decided this problem was getting out of hand so they go see their Rabbi and ask him what to do. The Rabbi goes “you’re not gonna believe this my son also left home and converted to Christianity. This is getting out of hand we have to talk to God”. So they go to God and tell him their stories about how Christianity is running rampant through their community and ask for his guidance. God says “Guys you’re not gonna believe this.”

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

..this isn't for me.

The other replies ‘mooo’

He never laughs at them

Doctor said I was ‘stable’

You Dont Know How It Peels

I should have known they'd dyne and dash.

Because it’s a Noble Gas!

You add a G and it's gone