Noth Puns

Nothing punT Cake.

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Noble gases have no reaction.

They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.

Except maybe Beytwice.

A hippopotamus's shadow.

The bitch took all the other box sets.

No problem!

I just bought a TV that said “Built in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is!

A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.

^#HomeLess

It’s hard trying to be the bigger person!

except for a hand gun.

a plain pizza.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

Go ahead, prove me wrong

I stand corrected

I was dad on arrival.

Nothing, it's on the house.

Fucking attention horns.

Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery

We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.

I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.

Anyway, I couldn’t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,

“What are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?”

I didn’t know my son had two dads but I know now

Edit: typos

......Absolutely Nothing!!

And suddenly I’m the idiot....

I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I told you there's nothing to see here?

Noble gases have no reaction.

Change my mind.