My wife said she wanted to have another baby after seeing my brother’s newborn.

I told her she’s ovaryacting.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said I can swaddle our newborn..

Not sure why, I clearly can't wrap it up.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gawdmode69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that newborns have weak necks and need to have their heads supported?

Just a heads up.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswitt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Here is your newborn baby but we are sorry that your wife didn’t make it

Me: Please bring me the one my wife made

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sorry4ThisBut
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.

I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessieface13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?

Heavy Infantry

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sandyatk445
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I wouldn't let my newborn work on my Ferrari's engine

He doesn't have fine motor skills

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjo_kes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a newborn sheep?

A Baaaaahby...

I'll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N3ss3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Sister in law was holding my baby but was talking about her onesie. β€œIs this a newborn”?

Of course it is, Kayleigh. She was born two days ago!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KINGWeeeWeeee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Right after being born, my newborn daughter wouldn't "latch" for her first feeding. So after 27-plus hours of labor and four hours of pushing, I looked at my poor, exhausted wife and said, "Looks like she's... resisting abreast."

My first official dad joke.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Mr. Bigger held his newborn son.

Who was taller?

The baby was a little Bigger.

Mr. Bigger went to the hydroelectric plant.

Now he's Bigger by a dam site.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newbosterone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What will newborn babies become if the Goverment use them in a secret military project?

They wil be some fine ass Infantry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomaima1010
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Our newborn wouldn’t stop crying this morning...

My wife is trying to soothe the little fella, not sure what’s wrong.

There’s a short checklist we go through, feed, hot/cold or pooping. He has a bit of trouble when he’s trying to poop.

β€œWhat’s hurting? What do you want? Is it mouth or butt that you want?”

Me from the kitchen:

β€œHow come I never get this question?”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Order-for-Wiiince
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm getting my newborn son circumcised and the pediatrician said it was going to cost $167.

I told them "I hope that includes the tip."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/engineeringguy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 808
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyCenter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I convinced my wife to name our newborn daughter Ella-May O.

LMAO

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheElDoon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when a sea horse newborn can’t get out? reddit.com/r/TIHI/comment…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrankTheTank107
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What song does Pepper Potts sing to her newborn?

Ba-by Stark doot doo doot doo doot doo....

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alaska_Engineer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My newborn twin are patriots

Ameri and Erica.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StephMujan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a doe feeding her cute newborn fawn...

I quickly became endeered.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
There's these 2 newborns in the nursery and

1 baby looks over at the other and says, "I'm a little boy, how about you?" The other baby says, "A boy? How do you know?" The first baby whips back his blankey, points down, and says, "See! Blue booties!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blscamacho15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Being a dad to a newborn is very hard

Being a dad to a newborn is very hard. It’s a lot like learning to play the piano: at first it seems impossible and you can’t believe millions of people have done it. But you keep at it and after a while you either become good at it or you sell it on the internet.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dielawn13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
On the way home from the hospital today with our newborn daughter

My wife said "it feels like forever since we've been home"...

To which I replied, "Yeah, it's been a lifetime".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maloach
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Google Just launched an application for infants and newborns, it's called

Google-dada

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Udjasen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I picked up my newborn daughter to stop her crying. Mother-in-law commented- "Wow, she really settled for you quickly!"

"Just like her mother."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gravityrider
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Midwife, handing over the newborn baby: Make sure you support his head.

Dad: Sure. What a great head you got there. Well done!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't a newborn be fooled?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_MrPits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
When you send a picture of a newborn and your messages app says β€œdelivered”
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Bedtime for newborn

My wife was changing our 7-week-old’s clothes before bed and she picked up a footless sleeper onesie.

Wife: β€œWho bought this for us? I don’t even know why they make them like this.” Me: β€œYeah, and I can’t believe they could even find one in the stores. That’s no small feet!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kangaroo_Quart
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Everyone keeps telling us that our newborn is β€œsooo tiny!”

We were worried a first but her doctor says she should grow out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyccfan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My sister introduced me to her newborn daughter yesterday.

"Niece to meet you.", I said.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain-Useless
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the first thing a newborn tastes?

Umami

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papa-heph
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
This YouTube video title for a newborn.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/burrito47108
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My newborn just got her Hep-B shot

The nurse said she barely made a peep. She's such a relaxed baby she'll trick us into having another.

It'll take more than that to outsmart me, baby. Only one of us was born yesterday

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doubleyuhtee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the calculus professor name his newborn son?

Mathew

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirJackDaniels
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My newborn passed out face down in his crib. He has a drinking problem

Breastfeeding usually leaves him sheetfaced

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparxican
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if a newborn is into black metal?

If you can't cut the unbiblical chord

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The greatest newborn baby boy name ever.... Justin, because... wait for it.... he's "JUST IN"
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fyren92694
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy

He asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any cepacol lozenges? I'm a little hoarse"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salty904
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm giving away all of my childhood toys to my newborn son...

...passing on the lego-cy.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/risingkirin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Manual for newborn fathers

In Poland we celebrate Father's Day today. Together with several friendly fathers, we have created a manual for the newborn fathers. Have fun :)

LINK: newther.com

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klonePL
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My newborn LOVES puns! youtu.be/8CljG9A0Tvo
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamReggie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the drill sergeant do with his newborn when the babysitter cancelled?

Took him to the infant-ry

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chandler404
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2017
🚨︎ report
"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SailorJaywah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife handed me our newborn baby.

She said, "Can you change her for me?"

I said, "No, we're keeping this one."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report

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