The first animal to be mechanically milked must've been pumped.
I know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.
What do cows smell when they're standing single file waiting to be milked?
A friend and I were trading sponge puns... (Hint: I really milked it)
Did I ever tell you about the guy milking a cow? A fly flew into the cow’s ear, and a few seconds later, him milked out the fly!
But ya know what they say, in one ear, out the udder
When does a cow get milked?
What do you call an epic milk?
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
Its pasteurized before you see it.
Why do cow milking stools have only 3 legs?
Cuz the Cow's got the udder!
My daughter asked what pig milk tastes like. I said it's sower.
I was sitting in a bar when a man walked in and proceeded to throw some milk, yoghurt and cheese at me
What kind of bees produce milk?
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?
Me: No thank you. You can just leave it in the carton.
A guy got his foot stuck in a vat of milk.
ARMSTRONG: I can’t find the milk for my coffee.
ALDRIN: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I'm pretty sure the milk I drank was expired.
"Son, what're you drinking" "Soy milk"
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
Did you know you can milk priests?
[Grocery Store] “Ok. Milk..check. Bread...check. Bacon..check.”
Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says “you must be single” and I respond with “how did you know?”
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
Milking it for it's worth
A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter !
Why is milk measured in quarts instead of in feet?
Which type of bee produces milk?
Should milk be considered a soda/pop?
I mean it is a calf-einated beverage.
What kind of bees make milk?
What mind of milk do you get from a rich cow?
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah
Wife: No, I mean at the store.
Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there...
What kind of milk would you put on your forehead?
It is amazing how a considerable ammount of people think chocolate milk comes from brown cows...
But I am still looking for the pink cows!
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.
I like to keep all my bases covered.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
My health science teacher said to drink milk to neutralize the acid in bleach
I told her she told us a lye
Some guy threw milk at me today.
In the morning I drink my primary milk
later on I drink my secondary
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Did you hear about the corruption scandal in the milk company?
Turns out they were skimming a bit off the top.
The doctor insisted I take a milk bath, so I asked her if it need to be pasteurized...
She said no, just above the knees.
What is a gallon of milk’s weak spot?
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice
They were really sour about it
Milk
Did you hear about the milk that went to the moon?
It was Legen-dairy.
How often does the Japanese supermarket restock their milk supply?
What are you if you inherit a milk farm?
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag...
I told her to please leave it in the jug.
My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D
The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
An udder day ... An udder pound ...
A programmer's wife tells him: "While you're at the store, get some milk".
The platypus and echidna both lay eggs and produce milk
Making them the only animals on the planet capable of whipping their own custard
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk
Grocery Bagger: Do you want the milk in a bag?
Dad: That's okay, just leave it in the carton.
What do you call milk that has moved through your field of vision?
Did you hear that they genetically engineered a milk cow to have no teats?
It was udderly pointless.
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
You have milk on your lip...
I had a friend who lost a toe in an accident.
We aren't friends any more, I'm extremely lack toes intolerant.
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
It's so hot outside that my cow started giving powdered milk
I have a farmer friend who heats his milk products to 212 degrees Fahrenheit using cow chips...
Yep. It's called pasture-ized milk.
The missus asked me if I thought of other women so i threw a glass of milk at her.
That's the last time we are ever playing truth or dairy.
i'll go get milk
i'll be back in 10 minutes
There's a vegan activist in my neighborhood; she's been replacing everyone's dairy milk with alternatives.
How do they milk oats?
So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up.
I asked out loud "how do they milk oats?"
My stepsister responded "they crush them until they cry"
I instinctively said "they do that with grapes too but they only wine"
What is a tea made using breast milk called?
With the onset of age, I'm forgetting really simple things, like the fact that cheese is made from milk.
Previously it would've a curd to me.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What do you call bees that can produce milk?
Did you know the Roman armies sold milk products wherever they went?
People still talk about it today. It was Legion Dairy.
If I ever made an epic company for milk and cheese, I'd call it legend-dairy.
My 4 year old cousin told me that cows make milk. So naturally I told her the brown cows make chocolate milk. And her jaw hit the floor. I then told her that pink cows make strawberry milk and then she caught me in my lie and said...
What kind of milk do you get from footless cows?
Our grocery delivery driver told us one of the milk cartons got damaged and leaked into the bag.
My 15yr old son picked up the first bag, which had a long vegetable sticking out and said "I've found the leek, dad."
Proud dad moment.
Why was the milk so relaxed?
It was chilling in the fridge.
I called my parents and told them not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.
They told me "You're the doctor and this wasn't funny the first time".
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, “I’m having a T party.”
I chortled.
Did you hear the story about a glass of milk that saved the world once?
What insects produce milk?
I've just been attacked by the milkman. He threw milk at me.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Have you ever tried to milk a cow that has been cut in half?
What’s the hardest part about making skimmed milk?
Throwing the cows across a lake.
What kind of Bees produce milk?
What are the only bees that make milk?
Why is milk so fast.
Because its pasteurized before you see it.
What kind of bees make milk?
Astronaut 1: Hey, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space no one can. Here, use cream.
What kind of bees make milk?
One astronaut says to another “I can’t find any milk for my coffee”
The other astronaut replies “In space no one can, here use cream”
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me...
Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?
Me: no, leave it in the jug.
What do you get when you make tea with some breast milk?
What sort of bees make milk?
What’s the fastest liquid in the world?
Milk, it’s pasteurized before you can even see it!
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
What do you call a cow that cannot produce milk?
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