I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Why did the legally blind guy fall into the well?
Because he didn’t see that well.
I’m not legally allowed to marry my melon...
I’m so upset that we cantaloupe
The U. S. Government legally believes in demons.
After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law.
I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
I just became legally blind.
It was too hard to hide it from the cops.
I’m not legally blind...
...so I hide my cane every time the cops are around.
Apparently if you buy cabbage from coles supermarkets you are legally obligated to buy carrots and mayonnaise
What animal is legally allowed to carry a firearm?
Bears.. they have a right to bear arms
Why was the short mother only paid the smallest amount legally allowed?
Cause she was on mini-mum wage
Breaking news in Wisconsin, farmers are no longer legally allowed to roll bales of hay
Apparently the cows weren't getting a square meal
I've been trying to get my name legally changed to Frieza, but there's so much paperwork!
I'm over 9000 documents in and this isn't even my final form!
Legally Bland
A friend of mine is an environmental lawyer. She has sue-for-natural powers.
Did you know you can legally marry sixteen women?
My dad at a recent family gathering:
"Did you know you can legally marry sixteen women?
Four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer".
Took my legally-blind grandad to the beach to cheer him up
but had to leave early because he kept staring at all the girls' asses. Hindsight's always 20/20, i guess.
"Did you hear that the actress from Legally Blonde killed someone?"
"Reese Witherspoon?!?
"No. With her knife."
My coworker Dave legally changed his name.
So technically we can correctly say Dave's not here, man.
Legally Blind Man Throws in a Dad Joke After Gaining his Sight Back (Video)
"What's it like Mark?"
"Eye Opening"
http://youtu.be/3BtKgD6CeA8?t=48s
My favorite thing about being born on labor day
Labor day I was born a pun and I love it. I'm legally pun
In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.
Can't have shit in Detroit.
What do you call legal attire?
Marine iguana's should be as legal as alcohol!
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
Did you hear about Oregon legalizing meth?
Yeah, they’re calling it their stimulant package!
What is the most common outfit for lawyers to wear ?
The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power
That’s a lot of wasted votes
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.
What do lawyers wear to court?
Where do clothes go to settle their legal issues?
Son: “What crime would I be charged with if I broke into the Capitol and planted a forest?”
Dad: “Well I’m no legal expert, but I suspect there’d be some trees in there.”
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
What’s the saying for when your protein powder gets spilled on your legal documents which divide all of your property after death?
Where there’s a will, there’s a whey.
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.
Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.
Whats the difference between a human and an animal?
You can legally put down one
I made it a goal to become a legal citizen of Finland.
And I am not going to quit until I am Finish!
Most folks avoid the beach for dolphin hunting
I'm in a bit of legal trouble, I guess I should call -
You shouldn’t take a lawyer’s advice over emails
Because that would be
E-legal.
So apparently this is legal in wrestling.
A nagging wife yelling at her husband "I would rather married Satan than marrying you"
Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"
My dairy farmer uncle died leaving written legal instruction for me to inherit a single gallon of cheese production byproduct. Makes sense, because...
Where there's a will, there's a whey.
Which musical instrument is most likely to take legal action against the others?
When maijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair
It would be called Operation Pot Holes
Why did the legally blind man walk into a well
Because he couldn’t see that well
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,
He will be rolling in his grave.
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