I have a legitimate phobia of elevators

I'm taking steps to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
MY 1st legitimate dad joke.

The rest were illegitimate because I wasn't a father to them.

πŸ‘︎ 213
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alphadelt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
🚨︎ report
This is a movie I would legitimately watch.
πŸ‘︎ 197
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I've legitimately practiced for this one. I'm so glad I was prepared when it happened.

I'm a teacher, and due to recent storms we've had a few short-lived blackouts.

Today in class the electricity was being fixed by the company and they had to shut the lights off for a few minutes.

Secretary (comes in the room): were there any problems with the lights off?

Me (I've got this, I'm ready!): No, we were delighted.

The secretary left, paused outside and then came back in with the worst glare possible. Yes!!!

Thank you guys, I was prepared.

Edit: Front page!!! Awesome! This is the highlight of my day! Keep your puns coming, I love them all (and I'm secretly practicing them for the proper opportunity).

Thank you so much /user/x9x9x9x9x9 for the gold! It made everything that much better.

Keep your puns coming you guys (especially teachers!).

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sal6a
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
This legitimately happened

My neighbor and I have an inside joke about dry ice I saw him and said it’s not as Icey today as I thought he replied it certainly is not a dry Christmas

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Procrafter5000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Poor child.

A child was born in Europe with no eyelids. They used his foreskin from the circumcision to create new eyelids for him. Everything turned out great, he's just a little cockeyed.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cleancut71
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Celt flute
πŸ‘︎ 864
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vandelvan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Damn these australians..
πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saintwithataint
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when a cheese factory explodes?

De-brie

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lordstevenson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do cow farms smell so bad?

It's from the Dairy Air

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Would you like soup or salad?

Ooh tell me more about this super salad.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Optimomanic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad at the hospital

Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor.

>Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano?

>Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days.

>Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/matti4s
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Elon Musk's engineers are helping with the Thai children in the cave.

They have a boring job.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StamosLives
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I don't feel comfortable,

I only feel comforchair.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
A Planetary Conversation:

"Hey Venus, you see that planet over there?" - Earth "Yeah, what about it?" - Venus "Do you think he likes to watch the sun rise and set like us? He's so far away..." - Earth "Well Maybe he needs to Neptune in with the rest of us." - Venus "Did you just make a planet pun...?" - Earth "Don't Saturn this around on me, I'm hot and flustered all the time" - Venus "I guess you could say your Mercury's rising...snickers" - Jupiter

"GOD DAMNIT" - Earth

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2017
🚨︎ report
While playing Minecraft with my wife, I tried to kill a cow behind her, but I accidentally hit her instead.

I swear, it was a miss-steak.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FreeBroccoli
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Today, I can't decide whether to wear a turtle neck or a henway.

What's a henway? | About two or three pounds.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vegtosterone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad... Stop....

I had a great date with my girlfriend, and we're leaving the house right as Dad pulls into the driveway. We just got a new puppy, and I was explaining to him that the puppy wasn't even shy around her. His response?

"Hey, neither were you, eh?"

She thought it was cute. I almost died.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchonRush
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
🚨︎ report
After the US election I am thinking of moving my family to Switzerland

If nothing else, their flag is a big plus!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vrek86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
"What was that noise?"

Me: I didn't hear anything. Dad: Must have been a pigment of my imagination then. Me: What? Dad: I have a colorful mind.

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rhiehn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Driving down the road...

We pass a farm and my dad says:

Dad: hey did you know the FDA is banning those round bails of hey!

Me: No! What? Why? (I was legitimately concerned)

Dad: Yeah! Apparently cows weren't getting a square meal....

Me: ...sighs

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsYaBoi97
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
🚨︎ report
[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
🚨︎ report
Sukkot is the most thrilling of Jewish holidays...

It's in tents!

(technically tents would not make a legitimate Sukkah, but they do make decent puns)

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jabonko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joke Business

We'll give you a hand...if you give us your tows.

  • honest to God, that is a legitimate business slogan of the local tow truck company.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanaka_Sensei
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Coffee inspired Dad Joke

screenshot

She was legitimately upset at her husband (Sorry, I'm new to linking / embedding images)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Our house heating system broke down -

It was 50 degrees in the house this morning (10, if you're into metric). The HVAC guy made an emergency visit and fixed it up. It's well below freezing outside, so it was a legitimate emergency.

I told my wife, "I think you pay too much for school. We just got twenty degrees for seven hundred dollars!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScribbleJ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
🚨︎ report
/u/Juiceman17 on canoeing

http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2d7304/our_canoes_got_stuck_and_this_guy_comes_to_help/cjmua87

>/u/juinjing: Can't you canoe faster than you can swim? Legitimate question. I am not an aquatic man.

>/u/Juiceman17: A canoe is certainly faster than a cannot

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RiKSh4w
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Musical Dad-Joke

I used to play in a community jazz band in my hometown. The instructor was my (at the time) girlfriend's dad, I knew him pretty well. We had just gotten set up on stage to perform in a high school auditorium, and he walks out to give an introduction:

"Thank you all for coming out today, we've got some good classic american jazz for you on the way, but first we're going to start with the ancient Chinese traditional song,

tu - ning."

struggled to keep my shit together in front of about 150 people. legitimately cracked me up.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jesselikesfood
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.