My election has lasted more than three days.
Do I need to see my doctor?
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
Yemen. I'm China figure out why this thread lasted so long
My friend and I both started taxi companies at the same time, but mine lasted longer.
I guess I drove him out of business...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...
That’s inflation for you!
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.
I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
Last night I ate a clock
It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.
From my 7 yr just now: Dad, last night I dreamed I was swimming in orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But don’t worry...it will be ok. 👌🏻
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Last week, someone went into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Like seriously, how low can you go?
I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie
It scared my wife pretty bad.
I assured her he’s all right.
We really should have expected last year's pandemic.
But then, hindsight is 2020.
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
I went to the liquor store last night...
And the owner asked me if I needed any help.
"Yes" I responded, "But I'll have a bottle of whiskey instead".
I failed my medical school entrance exam last week, thanks to nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
My wife and I watched 3 movies back to back last night.
Luckily I was the one facing the screen.
Last night I was dreaming I was swing in a ocean of Fanta...
but turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...
whats the difference between lst and last?
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said “oh, you want the Snyder Cut”.
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week
I think they called it Allah carte
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.
What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?
“I guess I’m the sole survivor”
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..
.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
I gave the cat a bath last week..
I still can't taste anything
I lost my job at the salvation army soup kitchen last night.
All I said was hurry up some of us have homes to go to...
Why did Alexander Hamilton finish last in the decathlon?
He wouldn’t throw away his shot.
I robbed a kitchen utensils shop last night...
To make it big, you gotta take some whisks.
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
Thought of this one while I was cooking last night
My left hand is clean, but, on the other hand, I did touch meat.
What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?
py-rex
I'll get my coat...
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
I found this beauty last year in the random crap aisle of a store.
Someone threw a piece of a brick through my window last night
The police aren’t helping because there isn’t enough concrete evidence.
I accidentally butt dialed my ex last night.
I swear it’s the only booty call I’ve ever made.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
Sometimes, I stop and reflect on last year.
As they say, hindsight is 2020.
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