My offspring came out as transgender last night
As far as I’m concerned, I have no son
Edit: Looks like I’m getting downvoted. Pretty sure that’s a good thing on this sub. Some people just can’t think straight
How I finally figured out I'd gotten old: Was watching TV and saw John Lithgow saying, "You know what? The last time I went to the movies I bought my ticket at that little window... and I paid cash!"
And I'm thinking. "So... what's your point."
(took me a while to work it out but eventually funnier than sad on balance.)
Last night, my wife and I were getting ready to go out for an anniversary dinner. After finishing getting ready, my wife asked my 9 year old, "how do I look?"
My daughter deadpanned response: "with your eyes."
I couldn't have asked for a better anniversary gift. #prouddadmoment.
Went out last night and had a pelican curry,
the food was all right, but the bill was huge!
The last time I had to worry about Roe V Wade, it was because my dad was threatening to throw me out of a canoe!
Last week I tried out 10 different puns to see if that would make people laugh.
Chance the Rapper said he was going to donate pizza parties to local schools, but backed out last minute...
All we are saying, is give pizza Chance!
Found out my wife was cheating on me while she was out last night.
She said I’ll be home 10-15 mins, Max.
My name is Luke.
Last night my wife told me it's over and walked out,
I always wait until the end of the credits before I leave the theater.
Completed my last pun today. I’m bowing out on top.
I took the family out to the San Diego zoo last weekend. They only had one dog.
I got kicked out of the Casino last night
Slight misunderstanding about the Craps table!
Out of all the inventions over the last 100 years,
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.
My wife went out last night. She told me to do the dishes and mop the floor before she gets home. I said, NO…
I’ll mop the floor and then do the dishes! I don’t have to do what you say!
My Wife and I finally had it out last night
but we just looked at it.
Guys, I was up distraught last night. I just couldn’t figure it out. I was looking all over for the Sun. Where had it gone?
But then it dawned on me.
My mom came out as trans last night and now I can’t see her anymore…
Last night, my wife screamed and yelled at me to take the spider out…
We went out for beers. Great talk! He wants to be a web developer one day.
When I was young my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She wouldn't tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
I decided to drop out of school last night, and today I got an email that there was active shooter situation near my classroom
...I guess I really dodged a bullet there.
(believe it or not this post is based on real-life events 😬)
Who was that ladle you were out with last night?
That was no ladle that was my knife!
- complements of my late father.
Went out last night and scored with this girl really easily
Guess she just wasn’t a keeper
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years...
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"
Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
This morning my wife said "I think the power went out last night."
I said "should we ground it?"
A psychic dwarf broke out of prison last night
Authorities are looking for a small medium at large.
Had a dream last night that I was drowning in a orange soda sea...Took me awhile to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
Our electricity went out last night.
We were powerless to stop it.
Dad went out last night, "Guess who I saw last night?", he asks
My parents went out last night, came home like at 2 am
Got talking to a very cool old man. After finding out he was from England, a World War Two vet and has spent the last thirty two years in the states I had to ask..
Me: so what brought you to the states?
Him: An airplane.
There was this really advanced and expensive cologne that came out last week.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years…
the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years, I’d say the dry erase board is the best.
Out of all the inventions made in the last 100 years . . .
The Dry-Erase Board has been the most Remarkable!
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the best one.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years...
...the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years...
The dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
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