My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. β€œOuch!” I yelled

β€œYOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief. β€œME-ow”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keller_rado
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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β€œOh my God!”, my wife said, smiling, β€œour boy is...kicking.”

I said, β€œI know. I think that’s how soccer works.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I was racing with my younger brother on the track, and then he got mad that I didn’t draw a finish line marker on the sand. We kept racing but he kept losing, and at one point he got so mad he threw a tantrum and started hitting and punching and kicking me furiously

.....and that’s when I drew the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/singh_j
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen...

But now it’s just water under the fridge...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it’s all water under the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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What did grandpa say before kicking the bucket?

Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pickledust465
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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I told my son to quit kicking anthills

He’s such an antagonist

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greymalken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV News anchor.

More on that after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up...

...but this morning it’s just water under the fridge

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aswaim2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Why are vegans so good at kicking?

Because they know the art of to-fu!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieeeeck
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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What’s a good pun about kicking/fighting
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicht-deutsch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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My husband, new dad of 8 months, is kicking off his dad joke game strong.

We had a cleaning service come to the house today, called Two Maids and a Mop. Well, three maids showed up and my dumb husband goes, β€œwhich one of you is the mop?”

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. Then told me I was terrible with directions. And then she added that I should stop cross dressing in her clothes. She also didn't like the female neighbor sun bathing nude in her backyard.

I nearly shit her pants, even though the ice-incident was water under the fridge! I was on the fence about the neighbor sun-bathing nude, but I packed her things and right anyway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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Wanna know your granddad's last words were before kicking the bucket

I wonder how far I can kick this bucket

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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What do you experience when you lose a kicking contest?

Defeat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alejo06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
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A chat about kicking my nuts when... sorry not sorry
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeraOnion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2018
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A Rabbi paid a visit to the village of "Trid," where they were being relentlessly kicked by an angry troll. The troll completely avoided the Rabbi, kicking only the locals. He finally approached the troll, and asked why.

The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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What is last ingredient in kicking ass?

Cacao!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sommerspjs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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My friend Gus asked where his kid was. She was with all the other kids kicking mushrooms.

I said, "Among the fun, Gus."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PostAbouts
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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Her: Why on earth are you kicking the ice cubes under the refrigerator?

You: No worries. It’ll soon be water under the fridge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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[help] Christmas-related pun for spreading cheer and kicking ass.

My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.

Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.

Any ideas?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allthedoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
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I wanted to have a kicking contest against a donkey.

But I couldn't find one that I trusted. They were all real asses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/termiAurthur
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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Kicking her when she's down imgur.com/wl3daSG
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πŸ‘€︎ u/srilankanmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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What should everyone do before kicking the bucket to make it as painless as possible?

Put on some steel toe boots!

^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpanda9390
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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Wife (In reference to our unborn child): She's been kicking all day. She won't let me sleep!

Me: I guess you can say... she gets a kick out of it!

YEAHHHHHH!! (I didn't actually do this part, but it played in my head.)

Wife: groans go to sleep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lance713
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
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My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,

but now it's just water under the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on that after the break.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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β€œOh my God,” my wife said, smiling through her tears, β€œI think our son is....kicking.”

I said, β€œIsn’t that how soccer is supposed to work?”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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What did uncle terry say before kicking the bucket

How far do you think I can I can kick this bucket

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turtlegamer22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator...

But now it’s just water under the fridge...

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
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