My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. “Ouch!” I yelled
“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief.
“ME-ow”
“Oh my God!”, my wife said, smiling, “our boy is...kicking.”
I said, “I know. I think that’s how soccer works.”
I was racing with my younger brother on the track, and then he got mad that I didn’t draw a finish line marker on the sand. We kept racing but he kept losing, and at one point he got so mad he threw a tantrum and started hitting and punching and kicking me furiously
.....and that’s when I drew the line.
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen...
But now it’s just water under the fridge...
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
What did grandpa say before kicking the bucket?
Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'
He said, "Working from home"
I told my son to quit kicking anthills
My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV News anchor.
More on that after the break.
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up...
...but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
Why are vegans so good at kicking?
Because they know the art of to-fu!
What’s a good pun about kicking/fighting
My husband, new dad of 8 months, is kicking off his dad joke game strong.
We had a cleaning service come to the house today, called Two Maids and a Mop. Well, three maids showed up and my dumb husband goes, “which one of you is the mop?”
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. Then told me I was terrible with directions. And then she added that I should stop cross dressing in her clothes. She also didn't like the female neighbor sun bathing nude in her backyard.
I nearly shit her pants, even though the ice-incident was water under the fridge! I was on the fence about the neighbor sun-bathing nude, but I packed her things and right anyway.
Wanna know your granddad's last words were before kicking the bucket
I wonder how far I can kick this bucket
What do you experience when you lose a kicking contest?
A chat about kicking my nuts when... sorry not sorry
A Rabbi paid a visit to the village of "Trid," where they were being relentlessly kicked by an angry troll. The troll completely avoided the Rabbi, kicking only the locals. He finally approached the troll, and asked why.
The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
What is last ingredient in kicking ass?
My friend Gus asked where his kid was. She was with all the other kids kicking mushrooms.
I said, "Among the fun, Gus."
Her: Why on earth are you kicking the ice cubes under the refrigerator?
You: No worries. It’ll soon be water under the fridge.
[help] Christmas-related pun for spreading cheer and kicking ass.
My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.
Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.
Any ideas?
I wanted to have a kicking contest against a donkey.
But I couldn't find one that I trusted. They were all real asses.
What should everyone do before kicking the bucket to make it as painless as possible?
Put on some steel toe boots!
^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry
Wife (In reference to our unborn child): She's been kicking all day. She won't let me sleep!
Me: I guess you can say... she gets a kick out of it!
YEAHHHHHH!! (I didn't actually do this part, but it played in my head.)
Wife: groans go to sleep.
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on that after the break.
“Oh my God,” my wife said, smiling through her tears, “I think our son is....kicking.”
I said, “Isn’t that how soccer is supposed to work?”
What did uncle terry say before kicking the bucket
How far do you think I can I can kick this bucket
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator...
But now it’s just water under the fridge...
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