I was playing football with my younger cousin earlier today

Unfortunately, I kicked it too hard and it broke the window. We called the repair guy and, apparently when he came two hours later, the window was still in pane.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wavykevy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
How many footballs can you put in an empty bag?

Only one, because then it is no longer empty.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_L_v_e_S
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pat1122
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
What do you get when playing football as well as when asking a girl out?

A hard pass.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kable1202
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
I was asked why I never throw a football

I can’t throw with my feet (laugh here)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zane3458
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Who is the world's best, but un-tidiest, football player?

Messi

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
Did I tell you about my wife who plays football?

Yeah, she's a keeper

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-starwing-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29
🚨︎ report
gas football

What do you call a gas station named after a footballer?,Antoine Greasemann

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BreadditReddit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
In honor of my grandfather: You should get a football...

... I think you'd get a real kick out of it.

If you don't like that, get an adding machine, because that's what counts.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobertskey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
What insect is bad at football ?

A FumbleBee

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
The funniest guy on the football team

The punter..

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Free-Author
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
How did the octopus do on his first football match?

He got tentacles.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
Why are football stadiums all around the world really hot right now?

All the fans are at home.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iiToaster
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?

Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zortor
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Why is Cinderella bad at football?

Because she’s always running away from the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 260
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
The Belorussian Premier League is the only Football league in Europe still playing matches, despite the COVID-19 pandemic.

I heard the atmosphere in their stadiums is contagious.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sagbon98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession...

I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security

They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/knittingmonster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
Do you know why an octopus is so good at American Football?

It gets ten tackles a play.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/falknorRockman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
A carrot went to a football game.

Wonder who it was rooting for.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
🚨︎ report
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?

It was a ball hogger.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...

They say it's a contact sport.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jxwtf585
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?

Because he was a common-tater.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PetiteJupiter8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?

The lineman.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be obsessed with the idea of playing football with random items of clothing. However, after stealing from a nun's wardrobe to feed my addiction, I soon saw the error of my ways.

It was a difficult habit to kick.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/T-posing_Jesus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
If Pretoria had a football team
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zrussell197
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.

They called me Soccertes.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JackFunk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?

Get all of their ducks in a row.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mistah_Kay615
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Same applies if she stops footballs from going in the goal
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctordoom55
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?

Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abdic8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?

The idea had its pros and cons.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?

Gracias

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spersson84
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I was watching football with my 11 year old son and wearing a short sleeve shirt. He said, "Dad, you have as much hair on your arms as I have on my head." I said,

"even more interesting, you have as much hair on your arms as I have on my head."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Every thanksgiving when my family is watching football my dad waits until the quarterback is sacked and says the following....

β€œThat’s what you call a look-out block, you turn around and say LOOK OUT”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aspestice
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad and I were participating in a fantasy football draft together. After my pick, it was his turn.

Me: "You're up"

Dad: "Asia!"

Me: "What about Asia?"

Dad: "Well you said Europe!"

Thanks to u/adamdidit for being my "father" in this situation

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mavfatha
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of insect is bad at football?

A fumble-bee.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the foot say to the football?

I toed you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jay_1k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a horse that is good at football?

Neighhhhh-mar

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bbe69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts

They have a lot of spirit

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MonotoneYay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched Sunday Night Football

There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StuckinMoran
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Frito_Pie_27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!

Though I’ve never played a game either

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How do owls decide the winner of drawn football matches?

With a penalty hootout.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GuruGarySingh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why’s it always hot after a football game?

All the fans left

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skiiijigz1017
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a really good fantasy football team.

Then, My Luck ran out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tigger3370
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?

Tentacles

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SunnyStryder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?

A messi room.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LateV_28
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football program

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintMeerkat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?

Apple Turnover

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't they let you wear glasses in football?

Because it's a contact sport.

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Astrotech314
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?

AC Milan

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A football player went fishing the other day

But he forgot to bring his tackle

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zebbyd5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
In women's football, if the referee has shown a red card, it means he has
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PacMook_Bro
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to join a football team. They said they had to test a single body part if it was ticklish

It was the testicle.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Extra_Rias
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Courtesy of Transport for Greater Manchester. May require minor football knowledge..
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A knife tried out for Varsity football

He didn't make the cut.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the football player say to his Chinese son

Go Long!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Sub_The_Scrub-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad and I are trying to figure out the new football rules.
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OMGHart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Which joint of the body can play both Football & Baseball?

elBOw Jackson

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night, my husband dreamt I cheated on him with a professional football player & several Frenchmen.

He walked by me as I was scrolling through reddit and said β€œI’d better not see any Frenchmen Oui Oui on your screen.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jillinkla
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s a Movers favorite football team?

The Packers!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FunPieSunPie
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you call football without shoes?

Socker

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PjatorV8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do sperm play football?

In a con-dome...

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lifelonglifter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the football field say to the universe?

Why the long space?

This jokes should be a follow up to "What did the horse say to the elephant? Why the long face?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crocosaw
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the football team go to the bank?

To get their quarter back.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SensitiveStranger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can’t a car play football ?

Because it only has one boot.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oopsmybad0_01
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So I bought tickets to the new football game but my wife is expecting to give birth that evening is anyone interested in being at the birth?
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomstraight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the football coach say to the game developer when they loss?

Ubisoft

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tribulock
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Paddy and Murphy playing football in the gutter.

Paddy fell off the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HazyDayZ420
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I can tell you the score of any football game before it starts.

It's zero to zero !

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyrus_Imperative
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Why can't the skeleton play football?

He didn't have the guts.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parallelelel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a bird play in a Football Championship Game once.

That was one Superb Owl.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/da_one1morelight
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't watch football anymore, it's too triggering

Every play has an offensive line

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/knight_rider_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My football teammate asked me, β€œOn a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”

I gave him a high five.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Jokes are a lot like American football.

If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between football and my dad?

Football’s coming home...

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lcalafiore
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?

A fieldgull.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brianvsshark
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does the guy teaching football always take the train?

Because he is a coach.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dreaded_Engineer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?

Because it always gets touchdowns.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/da_one1morelight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My buddy said he will be known as a great football player or die trying.

I told him he had better start planning the funeral because we live in Minnesota: the best you can ever hope for is, "Not Bad".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benjamindbrooks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Daughter (watching football) - Dad, is Messi in Argentina?

Me : Yes, it’s quite messy there.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chanderjeet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Football legend Gary Lineker must be a dad
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/treapor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily…

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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