What should everyone do before kicking the bucket to make it as painless as possible?

Put on some steel toe boots!

^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpanda9390
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesn’t just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon. reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KicksandStrings
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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It's days like these I remember what my Grandad said before he kicked the bucket...

He said "Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drsideburns
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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Have you heard about the chicken that got kicked out because it was too big?

It was ostrich sized

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grandadthony
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.

The bitch took all the other box sets.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Soccer coach to newbie: "Basically, you kick this ball down the field and try to get it into that big net at the end."

"That's the goal at least."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A____K
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

But it was his own dumb asphalt...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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How to catch an elephant

Dig a big hole, Fill it with ashes, Sprinkle peas on top, When the elephant goes to take a pea, Kick it in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Advaldinho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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A bad testicles joke may evoke great reactions

It can kick people in the groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZarcoMacro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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A length of rope walks into a bar and orders two shots...

the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, β€œ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, β€œ No, I’m a frayed knot”.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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It was really easy to get kicked out of the Japanese air force

They had a zero Tolerance policy

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BIgbluetootoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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The Hero's Companion was called Roundhouse...

...because it's a Side Kick.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMartin58
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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What does the furniture say when you kick it?

Couch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tombombadil_do
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice Line the hole with peas When the polar bear bends over to take a pea, Ya kick it in the icehole!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeHoncho303
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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What’s the best way to trap a polar bear?

First drill a hole in the ice and line it with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!

(Told to me by my dad at dinner this evening)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megsie72
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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A few days ago I made a comment that if there was a scandal at a fencing company, someone'd start calling it Gategate. Today, someone kicked my gate apart.
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
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A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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It was 9pm and my wife was being kicked by our unborn baby.

I said, "Hey mister, it's past your bedtime. Go to your bed-womb".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soques
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, β€œWhat’s wrong?”. She screamed. β€œThese contractions are going to kill me!!”

β€œI am sorry, honey,” I replied. β€œWhat is wrong?”

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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As a pregnant woman, I find it hard to describe the almost magical feeling of what it's like when the baby kicks.

It's almost like an in the body experience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nech1492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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Shopping for new kicks for my daughter. I asked my wife why there were no flies in the store. She shrugged and I told her it was because of all the shoe.

Kid groaned, wife groaned, but I got a chuckle from the clerk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/designatedjohnny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
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I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore

I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDFighterwing
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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My dad got a huge kick out of this because its a flyrod
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midnightoilbrah
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2013
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How to catch a bear

First, dig a large hole and fill it with ashes.

Next, line the hole with green peas.

Then when the bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shartacuss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.

When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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My 2.5 year old told his first dad joke.

While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s)

Letter β€œI”: W: β€œ I is for..... iguana” S: β€œiguana.... iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) β€œha, ha.”

He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imahntr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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I was playing football with my younger cousin earlier today

Unfortunately, I kicked it too hard and it broke the window. We called the repair guy and, apparently when he came two hours later, the window was still in pane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wavykevy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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In honor of my grandfather: You should get a football...

... I think you'd get a real kick out of it.

If you don't like that, get an adding machine, because that's what counts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobertskey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket, it was...

β€œHey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SouperDumb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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I remember the last thing your grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... it was:

"Hey, how far do you think i can kick this bucket?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JosephA420
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and place a pea at the edge of the hole. Then you hide. When the polar bear stops to take a pea you kick it in the ice hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trusti360
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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How do you catch a polar bear?

First, you drill a hole in the ice then line it with peas. When the bear comes to take a pee, you kick him in the ice hole.

(My daughter's joke actually)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeadpoolOptimus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes. You line up peas around the edge. When an elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CASchryver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 354
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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How Do You Catch A Polar Bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes out to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditonaprayer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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