Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
9 times out of 10 a carnivore will choose a small space rock over human flesh...
Because the rock is a little meteor.
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
My friend opened a tea store. He told me that every time he stocks the bottled tea products, they sell out within hours...
Business has been Brisk, baby!
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.
I recently watched "Nosferatu" for the first time. Interesting. Now, I'm checking out "Nosfera 2: New Berlin-ings".
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
Best time to break out the backup cheese?
Crows are very intelligent birds, they even go out for drinks from time to time.
If Time is Running Out for a Chinese App
Every time my dad goes to the eye doctor, they ask him to read the smallest text on the chart out loud.
He says, "Printed in China."
This is a true story lol.
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...
If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.
All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
I just found out spiders are dizzy all the time.
All they do is spin around.
I just gave some little onions a time-out.
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
For a long time, I though I had a dog named Yule. When he died, I found out he was just a wrench.
He was a good copper spanner, Yule
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
The umbrella was angry it rained every time he went out....
....so he stormed out and winded up leaving
My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.
He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
By the time my brother got out of the 4th grade, we all knew what he was gonna be when he left high school
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
My friend wanted to ask a girl out, but every time he'd get her on the phone he'd freak out and abruptly disconnect..
He had too many hang-ups.
That’s what exactly happened every time I tried to reach out for love
Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.
Ok guys. Time to rally together to help a fellow new dad out. I’m MCing a wedding and need the worst of the worst wedding themed dad jokes you have to offer.
Sorry I’m advance if this isn’t allowed.
Why did the shoelace have to go to time out?
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
DadProTip: When you back out of a parking space, be sure to say "Thiiiis takes me back" every time your kids are in the car.
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
It’s called the Redundant-Sea.
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
Song pops in my head every time, thought I'd make a meme out of it.
I was cooking when suddenly I realized I was out of Time...
So I turned off the burner and renewed my subscription.
Great, just got kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times.
Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of attempted Loggins.
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.
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