Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

πŸ‘︎ 334
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_22_14_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.

I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Just saw that joke about eating a clock for the umpteenth time. Finally decided to try eating a clock myself, but now I'm freaking out.

I think I picked up a nervous tic.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redirishlad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...

Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PocketCornbread
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.

Happy Hanukkah dadjokes!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaspm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend opened a tea store. He told me that every time he stocks the bottled tea products, they sell out within hours...

Business has been Brisk, baby!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently watched "Nosferatu" for the first time. Interesting. Now, I'm checking out "Nosfera 2: New Berlin-ings".
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stumpjungle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.

So is the piano shop owner next door.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthVarn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -

It's the traditional changing of the gourd.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"

I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Crows are very intelligent birds, they even go out for drinks from time to time.

It's called the crowbar

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashnakag3019
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Best time to break out the backup cheese?

In queso emergency.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KGAS-12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If Time is Running Out for a Chinese App

Is the clock TikToking?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gr8ums
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time my dad goes to the eye doctor, they ask him to read the smallest text on the chart out loud.

He says, "Printed in China."

This is a true story lol.

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BasementGrowNerd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...

shoulder this bird, hun.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.

All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.

He really whiffed hard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yawyaw42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out spiders are dizzy all the time.

All they do is spin around.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amenotekijara
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.

She did not hold Up well.

πŸ‘︎ 299
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
For a long time, I though I had a dog named Yule. When he died, I found out he was just a wrench.

He was a good copper spanner, Yule

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I just gave some little onions a time-out.

Those damn rapscallions

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pythag0ras2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense

I always knew we would wipe ourselves out

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The umbrella was angry it rained every time he went out....

....so he stormed out and winded up leaving

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rant-rant-rant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MPT1313
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing β€œDanger Zone” nine times in a row.

Too many Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 456
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Great, just got kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times.

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of attempted Loggins.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
By the time my brother got out of the 4th grade, we all knew what he was gonna be when he left high school

32

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrChiggs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend wanted to ask a girl out, but every time he'd get her on the phone he'd freak out and abruptly disconnect..

He had too many hang-ups.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.

Then it clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kawaii_PotatoUwU
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
That’s what exactly happened every time I tried to reach out for love
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aki-Lui
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the shoelace have to go to time out?

Because it was knotty.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Ok guys. Time to rally together to help a fellow new dad out. I’m MCing a wedding and need the worst of the worst wedding themed dad jokes you have to offer.

Sorry I’m advance if this isn’t allowed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derkus19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.

It's old butt gold.

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/byebyebyecycle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...

...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
🚨︎ report
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.

It’s called the Redundant-Sea.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pockets-sandy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, β€œOh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”

I told him, β€œTurn right at the next corner.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I was cooking when suddenly I realized I was out of Time...

So I turned off the burner and renewed my subscription.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
DadProTip: When you back out of a parking space, be sure to say "Thiiiis takes me back" every time your kids are in the car.
πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimmyTesticles
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Song pops in my head every time, thought I'd make a meme out of it.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/limelight022
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When’s a robbers favorite time to go out?

When it’s muggy...

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yms29
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to cook chicken for dinner, but I forgot to take it out of the freezer ahead of time.

It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing β€œDanger Zone” 7 times in a row.

He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report

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