Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread

D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raoul24601
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid asked me what's my favorite month and I answered, "July".

She asked again: Why July?

I said: I didn't lie.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/detharos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Does England have a 4th of July?

Of coarse they do, it doesn’t jump from July 3rd to July 5th.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisprater6986
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.

But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeaOrna
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
There is no month that accuses someone of speaking a falsehood!

July.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Computant2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The United States is a cancer.

Its birthday is July 4th.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a sign outside the gym that said "OPEN 24/7"

I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."

πŸ‘︎ 373
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Since my kids last birthday in July no one has asked me...

... how old my kids are.

This is going to be a missed opportunity as their next birthday is creeping up fast (this coming July obviously).

Their ages? 7 and 11. πŸ˜”

I just want to be able to say 7-11.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my Spanish girlfriend that it was still the middle of June

She said: "Baby... why are July-ing?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/limt__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My new boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7...

but I don't really mind as the 24th of July is ages away

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomt94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
🚨︎ report
πŸ˜ƒ J!

Happy 1/4 of July, guys!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RancidLemons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why aren’t there any knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings!

Happy 4th of July!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boom223
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just asked me when I was going to cut my hair...

I told her tomorrow, so I can be "Shorn on the 4th of July".

Bonus points - my 14YO daughter sprained both her eyes from rolling them backwards too quickly...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxVobiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
While driving my wife says to me: there is a problem with my check in July.

Me: check in July?

Wife: yes, it is on

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
When we first met you said you liked month puns and now you're telling me you never did...

Why July in the first place?

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AreebKhan619
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
[Request] Tubas and Classic Rock

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled β€œTubaChristmas in July,” which had β€œHallelujah” by Pentatonix, β€œCarol of the Bells,” β€œYou’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and β€œHave Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have β€œBohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, β€œPaint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, β€œLivin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, β€œDon’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Leo_1110
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are there in a year?
  1. January 2nd, Feburary 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd & December 2nd.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDDankUs420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why aren't there any Independence Day knock knock jokes?

Cuz freedom rings!!

Happy Fourth of July guys!

πŸ‘︎ 476
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peanucle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife got me. Her power is growing.

TV: Julie's driver side door was ajar. Wife whispers under her breath: looks like a door to me.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RexUniversi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A conversation about women

I was hanging out with my dad at a 4th of July barbeque. One of the guys there said, "women should be seen and not heard." The guy next to him smirked and said, "women should be felt and not seen." My dad said, "women should be polyester, not felt."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kudokara
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Me: Who wants a cup of tea?

Brother: I thought it would of already been made

Dad: It's only July.

Me: I'll go and put the kettle on then.

Dad: Go on then but I don't think it will suit you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samix13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my husband yesterday that I hate June Bugs.

He told me not to worry because they'll all disappear in July.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Wait. June's over?

Julying.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm smoking a boston butt today

It's the Pork of July!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckrockuhtree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
🚨︎ report
I think this is a dad joke

I'm a dad and I like telling it, so I guess that's qualification enough. I heard this joke about 26 years ago, and I still laugh at it. Slightly long, so don't hate me.

A guy that lives alone decided that he wanted to get a pet. He went to a pet store in his city to see what was available. The man tells the associate at the store that he wants a pet, but he doesn't want an "ordinary" pet like a cat or dog, he wants something unique. The associate asks the man if he by chance has a swimming pool at his house, and the man replies that he indeed does have a pool. The associate says, "Great! I've got just the pet for you. Actually it is two pets -- two beautiful porpoises. And these aren't ordinary porpoises, either. They will never die, but there is one small catch. To keep them alive, once a year at noon on July 1, you have to feed each one of them an immature sea gull, before the birds have learned to fly." The associate tells the man that he shouldn't worry about the annual feeding, though, because the associate will always make sure he has two birds available for the man every year on July 1.

The man buys the pets, fills his swimming pool with salt water, and really enjoys the companionship of the porpoises throughout the year. On June 30, the man calls the pet store to make sure the two birds are available, and sure enough they are. The next day, he goes to the pet store at 10 a.m. to purchase the birds, and while he is inside the store he hears a lot of commotion coming from just outside the store. He goes to the front of the store to see what's going on outside, and he finds that there is a huge, ferocious lion trying to get into the store through the front door. Luckily, the door swings outward from the store, so the lion can't get it open. The police call the store associate to tell him what has happened. The main attraction (the lion) from the state zoo just up the road from the store had escaped, and the lion could sense all the small animals that were inside the pet store, so he was trying to get into the store to eat them. The police are waiting for the zoo's lion tamer to show up and get the animal back into captivity.

Meanwhile, the man who was at the store to buy the birds to feed to his pets was getting really anxious. He was trapped inside the store, there was no other exit, and the time was quickly approaching noon. The associate reminded the man that he absolutely had to feed his pets at precisely noon, otherwise th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phallivore
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Went on a boat tour today

I was asked how my 4th of July weekend was. I responded, "It was great! How aboat yours?"

All I got was an awkward laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Smugglers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
You said everything would be back to normal by the end of June...

July-ed!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredwardofox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you believe June is already over!

Julying!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dhg_Jokez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
You said everything would be back to normal after June...

JULYED!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July....

But not fire....fire works on the 4th of July

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LogOffPleez
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you mean June is over?

Julying...

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CulturedGrass
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My watch said today was June 31st...

I said July!

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boredtxan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Everyone has the 4th of July off except fire

Fireworks on the 4th of July

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was fire sad on July 4th?

Because fire works on July 4th

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vshesha
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
June is over?

Julying.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, except for fire

Fire works on the 4th of July

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paoerfuuul
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Is today really August?

Or are Julying to me?

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What is your favorite month?

No it's not. July!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/agangofoldwomen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My lady asked if i could remove the June Bug from our house

... looks like a July Bug to me

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/missing_eyeball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
🚨︎ report
June's over?

Julying.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LyndsayFTW
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
🚨︎ report
June's over already?

Julying.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lefinale
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2015
🚨︎ report

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