My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else....
my birthday would be 24/7
My kid asked me what's my favorite month and I answered, "July".
She asked again: Why July?
I said: I didn't lie.
I asked my kids when they wanted to go on vacation. I asked “Would July to August be okay?”
My son replied, “Why would I lie to August? That’s not nice.”
I got dad-schooled.
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.
Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.
Both my ex and I were born in July
She said I was a crab.
I said she was cancer.
Does England have a 4th of July?
Of coarse they do, it doesn’t jump from July 3rd to July 5th.
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.
But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.
I was just chillin by the pool on the 4th of July with my 11 yr old. I told him I got a little Sun...
And then you had a growth spurt.
It took him a few minutes...
Every year on July 4th a group of ants get together inside a pen and have a dancing party.
It's "In the Pen Dance Day"!
My sister and I were making a pie for the 4th of July
After making it, we opened the fridge to cool it. After being unable to find space for it, I suggested we move the steaks that my mom is saving for dinner. As we put them on a higher shelf, I looked at her and said “The steaks have been raised”
Why are there no knock knock jokes about the Fourth of July?
Not everyone has Happy 4th of July.
My boss said that an outdoor concert was fine this fourth of July celebration despite the forecast f rain...
Just so I cover all the bassists.
The USA turns 241 years old this July 4th...
... which means that it will go back to being indivisible
Everywhere else it’s July 24 except the UK
where it’s the end of May.
National Orgasm day is coming (July 31)
You should really try to get off that day if you can.
Selling fireworks around the 4th of July must be a booming industry
What do you call a duck on the Fourth of July?
No offense to anyone born in late june to early july but...
'Fire works' sign on the 4th of July at the Fanny Bay trail (Osceola forest, FL)
Everyone has the 4th of July off except fire
Fireworks on the 4th of July
Why was fire sad on July 4th?
Because fire works on July 4th
Since my kids last birthday in July no one has asked me...
... how old my kids are.
This is going to be a missed opportunity as their next birthday is creeping up fast (this coming July obviously).
Their ages? 7 and 11. 😔
I just want to be able to say 7-11.
My girlfriend and I broke up on July 4th.
I guess that’s why they call it Independence Day
Selling fireworks around the 4th of July must be a really...
While driving my wife says to me: there is a problem with my check in July.
Me: check in July?
Wife: yes, it is on
What do you eat on the 5th of July
Independence day old pizza
A 4th of July riddle:
What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
One has his face on a bill and the other has a bill on his face.
Be safe this holiday and have a great weekend !!!
Some people have off on July 4th. Fire does not. Fire works on the Fourth of July
Happy Fourth of July!!!
But have you wondered where the other 75% is?
I have a friend who was born on July 5th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence post. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 5/7 wood post again.
Every year my town has a 4th of July track meet during the day, and any age can compete. My geologist dad, heavy set and not ready to compete, entered the mile and obviously did poorly, but he crossed the finish line, gave me a shit-eating grin and said:
"......gneiss guys finish last."
My dad said that he got divorced on the 4th of July.
He got the paperwork on the 2nd and waited to sign until the 4th because it's "Independence day"
4th of July joke
Did you hear about the firecracker that wouldn't explode?
I opened a can of beer and on the side it said, “Best drunk before July, 2018.”
It feels great to be finally recognized for my achievements.
What do you call a snowman in July?
for the 4th of july, here's a little known america fact: did you know that as the national bird, there’s a whole list of things that you can’t do to an eagle under federal law?
obviously you can't kill one, but you also can't relocate one from where it's living, cause an eagle nest to come to any harm, and the oddest part, as i'm not sure how they'd even track this, is there's even a bit in the law about infecting them with any communicable diseases?
but i suppose there's really no way around that being ill eagle
This July heat really gets to me (guess the pun!)
Me to my wife: What is the best way to start the 4th of July?
My wife just asked me if England had the 4th of July
Confused, I immediately replied, "No, they don't..."
She came back with, "Of course they do. They also have the 5th, and the 6th, and the 7th..."
At our town's 4th of July fireworks show, a vendor was selling pet turtles. My wife, impulsive animal lover that she is, bought one.
After the fireworks, we were gathering up our things to leave. She asked if her new turtle was OK. I picked up its little carrier, peered inside, and said, "It looks a little shell-shocked."
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July....
But not fire....fire works on the 4th of July
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, except for fire
Fire works on the 4th of July