Matthew McConaughey is a professor now!! When he gives his students research assignments he instructs them to . . .
All Write!
All Write!
All Write!
My daughter is at a seminar learning to instruct physical conditioning programs to locomotive passengers
It's called train training training training.
My dad gave me standing instructions to not scare him on halloween
Well, it is invalid as I was sitting.
I purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say, "remove cap and push up bottom."
I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely. Credit: https://pun.me/pages/dad-jokes.php
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
I just bought a Monopoly set which has no instructions,
My wife told me to flip off the thermostat before we left the house. I don’t think she appreciated how I followed her instructions.
What colour is an instruction to cry out in pain?
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.
But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”
Following instructions to make mayo
Teacher: -So, add sunflower oil and stir
Me: -Hmm, I didn't quite understand that. I guess I'll ketchup later!
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
My friend found he worked best when instructions were spoken aloud. Then he could perform them.
It was easier said then done.
My dairy farmer uncle died leaving written legal instruction for me to inherit a single gallon of cheese production byproduct. Makes sense, because...
Where there's a will, there's a whey.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling?
On the instructions of my ready meal it says "Rest for 5 minutes once cooked".
But I'm not tired at all.
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.
The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.
The guy obliges.
In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"
Just following instructions
Assembly instructions not included.
I once got an origami set without instructions
I didn’t know what to make of it
What do you call the set of instructions that makes the internet work?
As a pharmacist who usually writes instruction labels for oral medications...
Most of what I say to patients is ingest.
Even though Math is a median of instruction, teachers can be really mean. Sometimes they enjoy students going into range mode.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
I gave the art restoration people very simple instructions
If it ain't baroque, don't fix it
A complete set of instructions for riding an escalator:
I was shopping for some deodorant this afternoon. I noticed the instructions said “remove cap and twist up bottom”
It hurts to walk now but my farts smell great!
Despite my excellent instructions, my student keeps sinking instead of swimming.
I recently gave a lecture instructing people how to give directions by violently thrusting their arm towards the intended destination.
It was a PowerPoint presentation.
What’s Captain Picard’s first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises?
“Make queso, number one.”
My wife got an instruction during warm-ups from her at-home workout program to switch feet.
Me: I didn't realize you had more than one pair.
I was making furniture with Braille instructions
It was really hands on work.
Christopher Nolan was giving his composer cooking instructions.
If you pick up a road traveler with an instruction manual for his Samsung phone...
...isn't that book the hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy?
Don’t try to tell jokes about IKEA
They’re impossible to put together if you don’t have the instructions.
After the TV-show-taping we were instructed to leave our seat only when the Page called us...
I told him: "you're alright in my book!"
The TSA detained a passenger in possession of a slide rule, compass and calculator...
They said he was carrying weapons of math instruction, and was a member of the Alge-bra movement.
I refuse to write instruction booklets at work.
What did the instructive dad say to help the little boy struggling learning how to tie his shoes?
Cooking Instructions
Decided to cook myself a steak for dinner so I text my dad "how do you season steak." My phone autocorrected "steak" to "streak" without me noticing. My dad responds with "You wait until the summer when it is warmer." It took me far too long to realise what he was talking about.
I bought some dandruff treatment, but it did not come with instructions.
It left me scratching my head.
I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk but my farts smell lovely.
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame
But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”
I'm never using stick deodorant again...
The instructions said " remove cap and push up bottom"
I can hardly walk.
Got a new deodorant stick today. Instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"
I can barely walk, but every time I fart the room smells great!
I just bought a Monopoly set, but there aren't any instructions...
...I mean, what are the chances?!
What’s Captain Picard’s first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises?
“Make queso, number one.”
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